How To Put An End To An Affair

How To End An Affair

How to end an affair with someone you love in a way that is best for you, the lover and your spouse.

of the lovers is in a committed relationship with someone else, such as a spouse or fiancé. Therefore, an affair is illicit because it violates an existing relationship. Ending your existing relationship to be with your lover means betraying the promises and commitments you made to your current partner: Or your lover betraying promises and commitments to their partner.

If others are part of the relationship you end, you change forever the nature of your relationship with them. You may still be a parent, but you will not be a parent in the same way as when you and your spouse both lived together with your children. You may still care about your in-laws, but they will no longer be your relatives. You may enjoy mutual friends, but the ones who feel they should support your abandoned partner rather than you will never be as close again.

In time, you will learn that the new relationship is not as perfect, wonderful, or fulfilling as you had imagined. Every relationship brings its own set of problems and miseries. If you are similar to most, when you finally face all that you lost to have a committed relationship with your lover, the stresses and difficulties that normally attend that relationship will be magnified by your sense of what it cost you emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically.

There is a reason that those who divorce their spouses to marry a lover have a much, much higher rate of divorce. Sadly, each one of them thought they were going to be the exception.

End the Affair
There is great value in living consistently with your beliefs and values. It isn’t always easy—actually, it may at times be quite difficult—but the consequences make it worthwhile.

If you truly believed that your affair is right, and that being with you lover is your best future, you likely would not be reading this article. You probably are reading this because you want peace again. Peace throughout your entire being—heart, mind, and soul. Peace that comes from knowing that you are being who you really are and doing what you know is the right thing to do.

Thinking about staying in your current marriage or relationship may be painful, but most of that has to do with your having rewritten history. Nearly everyone in an affair does. You’ve mentally exacerbated the bad times and faded the good ones. You’ve misplaced the memories of the happiness you’ve had together and enthroned the nastiness. However, your mind is playing tricks on you to make your current actions doable. The spouse or partner you may be vilifying now can be the one you love more than any other, but that can only happen if you choose to end the affair and do the right things.

If you end the affair now, you may well have a chance to save your marriage or current relationship. Actually, not just to save it but to make it better. If it were everything that it should be, you likely would not have entered the affair. However, all that can be overcome and you can build a relationship that will be better than you ever imagined.

How To End the Affair and Save Your Existing Relationship
The first step to ending an affair is to make a firm decision that you ARE ending it. If there is anyone you trust, tell that person what you are doing and that you have decided to end it. Let them become your support, your encourager, and, if necessary, your courage.

The second step is to end the affair NOW. Do not put it off because of a special day coming up, or to find a better situation, or to make it easier on your lover, or any other reason. Hesitation devastates. Act now.

The third step is to tell the lover that it is over. Whether you do it face-to-face or by a handwritten letter, do not go into explanations. Do not talk it over with your lover. Do not express love, loyalty, or longing. Make it quick, to the point, and without discussion. Sound harsh if need be. Any other approach will cause your lover to maintain hope that you will change your mind, and that is the cruelest thing you can do. End it quickly and sharply and then end all contact. THAT is an act of caring and love.

The fourth step is to tell your current partner, if you are in a committed relationship, that you have been unfaithful, that it is over, and that you wish to make your relationship work. There are situations where this is not wise, but most often it is. Use the following three criteria to decide:

1. Confess if your current partner has ever asked about the affair and you lied.
2. Confess if your partner has any possible way of discovering your affair. (As much as it will hurt to hear it from you, it will hurt much worse to hear it from someone else.)
3. Confess if you have emotions that potentially will keep you from developing closeness with your partner. If you feel guilt, shame, regret, fear, anger, resentment, or anything else that negatively affects your relationship with your current partner, they have the right to know what it is and why it exists.

The fifth step is to make sure that you have no further contact with your former lover. Do whatever you need to do to make it impossible for the two of you to communicate. Change cell phone numbers. Remove Facebook friends. Change email addresses. If necessary, change jobs. In extreme situations, change cities. Further contact will very likely lead to more involvement. That hurts everyone. Now that you have made the decision and are doing the right thing, do NOT allow yourself to fall into any situation to hurt anyone again. Not your spouse, partner, children, family, church…or your former lover.

The sixth step is to seek the right help to make your current relationship better. If it were all that it needed to be, you probably would not have had the affair. This is not to blame your spouse/partner, or to blame you. No blame is needed. There is a weakness and that needs to be rectified. Seek a counselor, a mentor couple, or an intense workshop, like mine, that will help both of you:

• Understand how the affair happened.
• Repair your relationship.
• Facilitate forgiveness.
• Develop a great future together.

The seventh step is to help rescue others who are in affairs. When you heal your marriage or relationship, you will be in a unique position to help others struggling to end their affairs. You will not have to seek them out; they will instinctively find you. When they do, guide them through making the right decision and following through with the right steps.

Joe Beam founded LovePath International, an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples. For more information on getting help for your marriage, click here.