Come On Baby, Light My Fire!


Transform your relationship from dysfunctional to loving and lasting.

The proverbial question that keeps popping up is “How can I keep the passion in my relationship?  The answer is simple:  You can't.  Love changes as time moves on, so relax.  That doesn't mean that love has ended.  It only means that it has entered a new phase.  Love can actually grow in other ways that produce the chemical called Oxytocin, instead of that original Dopamine high that took your breath away in the beginning of your relationship.  Oxytocin can provide the warm fuzzies and the feelings of caring that come after the honeymoon stage. This is the stage where “after the lovin’” happens. If understood and appreciated, your relationship can take on new feelings that are very satisfying.

     There's a dip that occurs in all long term relationships because we were tricked by nature.  Nature meant for us to make more of us, so when we no longer need babies, the fire that once prompted that outcome, tends to diminish over time.  So we need to trick ourselves into other ways of keeping the passion. Creating romance by using your imagination, fantasies and communication can foster those old feelings. 

     What we know is that relationships grow and evolve as we do.  Too often people can grow apart.  It’s the second stage of the relationship that becomes the most vulnerable, sometime after the honeymoon is over.  This is the time when the boundaries bounce back up and each person has to learn how to negotiate the differences.  This is the time that most divorces occur.  It’s not too unlike the second stage of development in life: “the terrible twos.” The idea is to grow together, closer and stronger.  You may have many partners, husbands and wives in the same relationship as time moves on; each better and more mature than the one before. Relationships tend to deepen in intimacy as time passes; not too unlike wine. Time can either create richer, more fulfilling, and meaningful relationships if the time spent with one another, nourishes the soul of each other, or it can become fermented and spoiled over time if it is left unattended. It is our responsibility to see that we nurture and tend to our relationship as one would a vineyard or a garden.  We need to learn the language of our partner, see him/her with a new set of warm eyes beneath their survival self.  Underneath each of our survival selves lives the authentic self and when two people are in their essence, time is eternal.  Only then are we able to see the other for who they really are and what they really need and want. 

     So many relationships are unconsciously created as a result of unfinished business with our source relationships; our mothers and fathers.  So, unwittingly we search out partners whom we actually hire for the job to attempt to resolve our unresolved childhood issues.  They are usually the perfect match.  So the patterns learned from childhood get re-enacted with what we think is our “soul mate”, only to discover that the “soul mate” is really a replica of the parent we had the most difficulty with.  Unless we have a professional who understands the theory of recapitulation, (repeating the past) and has tools to help couples work through their “stuck” places, there is little or no hope to move the relationship forward to a mature level of intimacy and healthy relational space.  It’s the relational space that we live in.  It’s the same space that our children play in.  So we have an obligation as partners to help clean up that space to make it safe and once again sacred. When this is accomplished, the dopamine levels rise again, but with a new landscape of pleasure that’s better than before. This is when passion transcends into relational maturity.  It doesn’t get better than this!

     Follow me along with this concept of transforming your relationship from dysfunctional to loving and lasting.  I will present seven true stories over the next seven weeks that will give you an opportunity to visit real people with real problems and be a part of their personal recovery and self-actualized relationships. 

Next week:  OH WHERE OH WHERE HAS MY SEXY SELF GONE? Barbara’s Story