The Irresistible Allure Of Infidelity

Love, Heartbreak

The shocking truth about infidelity and the power behind the intoxicating lust chemicals.

When you’re in the throws of a torrent love affair, it’s like you’re under a spell (otherwise known as the affair fog). You lose the ability to think rationally and your thoughts are consumed by your lover. 

Basically, when you get sucked into this trance-like state you’re willing to give up EVERYTHING. You believe that you could walk away from your life — including your partner and even your kids.

That’s thanks to the intoxicating chemicals flooding your body.

I've witnessed the devastating effects that are created when someone is under the spell.  Friends have walked away from young children, businesses, and of course their spouses, all for a chance to live out a fantasy with their new beau. 

AND not one has ever ridden off into the sunset for a life full of bountiful bliss. Not one.

The reality is, that close to 85 percent of them went back and begged their spouse for forgiveness. The remaining 15 percent were too proud to go back, but were riddled with regret. Not all regretted leaving their spouse but they did regret the way that they chose to exit the marriage. 

What happens to a person in the fog?

  • They rewrite the history of their marriage. 
  • They conclude that marrying their partner was a terrible mistake and that it was doomed from the start.
  • They compare the two lovers and of course novelty always wins. 
  • They’re hyper-focused on seeing their lover again. Sneaking off or meeting up consumes the majority of their thoughts. 

True story: I had a friend that was a dedicated wife, wonderful mother, and really active in her church. She strayed with a man on her charity committee and literally over night rewrote her marriage. She turned on her family and quit the church.

She lost her ability to decipher between reality and fantasy. Prior to the affair I would've NEVER considered her irresponsible. BUT when her mind was consumed with chemicals she could have cared less about anyone (even her kids).

What can you do if you or your partner is in the fog?

The truth is … not much. To potentially weaken the strength of the spell you can share the not so sweet affair statistics and it helps if the betrayer is male.

Males are more inclined to come back to reality because they rarely cheat to fall in love — women on the other hand are a whole different ball game.

The Difference Between Male and Female Cheaters

Men typically stray because they lack the affection, appreciation, and attention at home. When they begin an affair, like women, it’s by ‘accident’ BUT they rarely securely attach to the other woman.

As women, we typically attach to one partner at a time.  So when we’re involved in an affair, chances are we’re attached to the other man and detached from our partner. 

This makes it extra challenging to talk rationally into a woman that strays because she comes down with star-crossed lovers syndrome BAD. In her eyes, "they are meant to be…"

The Startling Statistic:

Less than 3 percent of couples that start off as an affair will make it long-term.

Wait a minute…WHAT!?

Yep. You can guess why. They begin in a lie and lies tend to linger. That means that down the road when one partner is late and doesn’t call—the suspecting partner automatically assumes infidelityIf they were capable of it once why wouldn’t they do it again?

Take Home Message

If you’re cheating try and read up on some realistic outcomes. Reread old love letters from your spouse to jar your memory. The truth is, that you were at one time just as in love with your spouse as you feel like you are with your affair-partner.

For the betrayed … I’m sorry that this has taken hold of your marriage. If you know that you love your spouse and want to make it work then you need to look at your marriage prior to the affair and determine what wasn’t working. 

Affairs are a symptom of what’s going on in the marriage. Try and turn things around by patching the possible leaks and wait for the fog to lift. Unfortunately, besides encouraging them to spend more time with the other person to diffuse the fantasy quicker, that’s what seems to be most effective. 

Has infidelity rocked your marriage?  Want to safeguard your marriage from an affair?  Check out Back 2 Love, a book written for couples that want to live and love better.

This article was originally published at Southmetrocounseling.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.