How to start a conversation about opening your marriage.
By Jenny Block — Written on Jun 06, 2008
Before you talk to him or her though, it’s vital that you do some soul searching of your own. That is, to identify what it is you are truly seeking. Do you want to simply sleep with other people? Do you want to fall in love with other people? Are you ok with the thought of your partner doing these things? What might that look like in your life? Are you interested in being swingers, in being polyamorous, in living in a group marriage?
Are you still in love with your current partner? Are you really looking for a way out of your marriage or relationship?
Do your homework. Read the books. Visit the websites. Spend time thinking about what it is that you really want. You will have lots to explore and learn together once you broach the subject. But your partner’s going to have questions – a lot of them. And you need to have at least a few of the answers.
When you do finally talk to him or her, be sure it is in a calm, happy environment when neither of you are in a hurry to get somewhere or are already stressed to the max about other things. And you certainly don't want to bring it up during a fight.
Begin by assuring your partner that you love him or her. Explain that this is not about leaving them or loving them less. But instead about exploring how you might enhance your relationship and grow as individuals.
Don’t expect it to happen in one sitting. Taking one small step at a time is key. There is so much to talk about. You will have to take it at whatever pace is comfortable for the two of you. And you won’t know what that pace is until the conversation gets underway. Remember that giving your partner a chance to digest what you’re saying and do his or her own research is as important as the actual conversing that you will do.
Beyond that, all I can tell you is how it worked for me. My husband and I talked ad nauseam for months about how we felt and how it would work and whether it was a good idea and when we would attempt it and how would we do it. But the truth is this – we didn't really know what would happen until we tried. All we knew was that we loved and trusted each other enough to give it a shot.
The thing to remember is this: we're talking about the person whom you loved enough to marry, the person to whom you can say anything, the person who loves you unconditionally. Talk to them. Really talk to them. Whether or not you decide to open your relationship, you just might be surprised how good it feels to, well, open up…