Why Women Are Pickier Than Men When Choosing A Partner

Self

When it comes to finding a partner how picky are you?

In an interview I had with Lori Gottlieb, I asked:

"Given your extensive research as well as any personal experience, I'd like to give you the opportunity to share with our listeners, many of whom are singles, who are very interested in finding their mates, any suggestions you may have for them. This would be based on your extensive research, personal experiences and the different experts that you've spoken with."

Lori Gottlieb's Reply

"I don't have bullet points and exercises at the end of the chapters. The reason is that I approached this book very journalistically. I would go to the experts and find out what the research said. Then I would try it out in real life myself."

Women Pickier Than Men: Changing Perspective

"There are so many things that I did. What it all came down to was changing my perspective ... 

What does that actually mean? It didn't mean lowering my standards.  

  • It didn't mean finding someone that I wasn't attracted to.
  • It didn't mean that I should downplay chemistry.
  • It didn't mean any of those things.

(I can't really explain it in bullet points. You have to read the book to see what they're talking about. It took me going through the process myself to really understand what it meant and what it didn't mean. I hope the readers go through the process with me as they read the book.)

Questioning Lori

"Are there any last thoughts or take-home messages that you'd like to leave our listeners with? This is not as a substitute for reading the book or having the whole experience. You asked them to go through the experience with you. Is there a take-home message to get someone’s mind working along the lines that you’d recommend based on your research and experience?"

Women Pickier Than Men: Fixed Mindset

Lori Gottlieb's reponse was, "One of the most valuable things that happened in the writing of the book was that, at a certain point, I was having a lot of trouble changing my very fixed idea of what kind of guy I had to be with ... I was really struggling with opening up the possibilities that there are lots of people that I could potentially be with and be really happy with. I didn't realize how much I nit-picked."

Women Pickier Than Men: Profile Analysis

Lori Gottlieb explains, "If a guy wrote something in his profile that I didn't like, even though I liked the rest of the profile, I wouldn’t email him. I was not alone in that. A lot of women do that ...

There was a guy who said his favorite movie was 'You've Got Mail'. I thought, 'That's his favorite movie?' It's not even one of his favorite movies. It's not like he listed 'Casablanca', 'Annie Hall' and 'You've Got Mail' ...

This was even though I liked the rest of his profile. It was really funny. I made all of these assumptions of what that meant about him."

Women Pickier Than Men: Reading Between the Lines

I thought, "He has sappy, bad taste. He's not sophisticated."

Evan, the dating coach, said to me

  • Maybe he just thinks Meg Ryan is hot.
  • Maybe he thinks it will make him come across as a sensitive guy.
  • Maybe he just filled it out in five minutes and that’s what he wrote because he had just seen a promo for it on TV.

"You have no idea why he wrote that." I think that it goes deeper than these superficial things.

Women Pickier Than Men: Missed Details

Lori Gottlieb stated, "There was another woman who is not in the book, but who came to one of my readings ...

She said, 'I'm engaged now to this guy who I'm totally in love with who I met on Match.com. I wouldn't have gone out with him if I had noticed that he had checked the 'has kids' box on his profile.' She said, 'I met him. He mentioned his kids on the first date.'

  • She was 31 and he was 33.
  • She knew he had been divorced.
  • She didn't know about the kids.

He had put in on his profile but she just didn't notice it.

She said, 'I would have clicked over to all of these other guys who don't have kids. I would probably still be out there dating and not have fallen in love with any of them.'

I think we have to open up the idea that he might not meet the exact picture that you had in your head but it's still the fairytale for you. It's just not the fairytale that our culture sets up."

Women Pickier Than Men: Rigid Ideas

Lori Gottlieb explains, "At one point, someone in the book said to me, 'Instead of having this very rigid idea of this guy and what he has to be like, I want you to write down everything a guy would have to put up with to spend the rest of his life with you.'

I thought, 'Okay, I know I'm not perfect. I can certainly list some things.'

Then he said, 'No, I really want you to think about this. All of these things that you think are cute, quirky and endearing about yourself can be really annoying. Someone is going to compromise to be with you, too. That's okay ...

Guys are much better at taking the whole package. Women might say, 'I'm going to throw out the whole package, because I don't like this one aspect of it.'"

Women Pickier Than Men: Get Perspective

Lori Gottlieb states, "I think the most important thing I learned to do was to look for the things that are important and let go of all of the stuff that, in the scheme of things, are really not important at all."

The above is an excerpt from Jasbina's interview with Lori Gottlieb. The entire interview transcript is at: Lori Gottlieb Interview–Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio–Jasbina's Lifestyle Show. Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough–Lori Gottlieb. Listen to the entire interview on iTunes.

Jasbina Ahluwalia is an Indian American Attorney-turned-Entrepreneur, Relationship Expert, Radio Show Host and Matchmaker/Dating Coach. She is the Founder & President of Intersections Match by Jasbina, the only Premier Full-Service Selective Search, Dating / Relationship Coaching & Online Dating Support Firm – For Indian Singles. Jasbina is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show–conversations with published authors/experts on relationships and health and wellness. She has received worldwide press (Oprah, Chicago Tribune, Inc., Entrepreneur Magazine) including TV and Video & Radio

For more information, please visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Feel free to submit a Question to be considered for this column to Jasbina directly at info @ interectionsmatch.com. For more Interviews from Jasbina: Ashish Mathur NetIP (Network of Indian Professionals) Interview – Heart Diseases and their Prevention Tools for South Asians - Intersections Match by JasbinaInspirista Talk Radio Girls Night Out Jennifer Tuma-Young Interview - Q&A with Jasbina AhluwaliaSakhiyan Radio Pravas Vani Interview - Q&A With Jasbina Ahluwalia

This article was originally published at http://intersectionsmatch.com/. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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