How Much Of Your Sexual Past Should You Share?


Be careful how much you tell your current sexual partner about your sexual past.

John was fascinated to learn that Michelle had what he termed “a kinky past”. She had tried group sex and sex with male/female combinations. She was very uninhibited in their own love-making and happy to share all her past sexual experiences with John.
After a year, John started to urge Michelle to seek out the kinds of experiences she’d had in the past and let him share them with her. Michelle told him she felt no interest in this as she’d “been there and done that” and preferred to focus on her love life with him.
After six months of resistance from Michelle, John began to nag and use emotional blackmail - “How come you did it before for yourself, but you don’t love me enough to do it now?” The more he nagged, the more she began to switch off sex altogether and their relationship deteriorated.
So what went wrong? Michelle shared too much of her sexual past!
There’s a mistaken belief that “If you really love someone you’ll tell them everything about your sexual past and they’ll understand.” When you first fall in love you see only the positive in your lover. In the rush to know everything about them, you might learn some of their history which at first you find acceptable and maybe even a turn-on. Later, however, you may begin to brood about their sexual past and this can lead to conflict.
In this case John could think himself lucky that he had fun in the beginning with his wife’s honesty but now he needs to get real and just appreciate their intimacy as something special and not taint it with the past.
I recommend that “open communication” is not necessarily the same as totally honest communication – which I call “the overwhelming truth”.
Open communication involves deliberately telling your partner how you feel, what you want and what you don’t want, but only in a positive and constructive way.
Overwhelming truth means that you may be hurtful or down right stupid in giving “too much information.”
For instance, don’t spill the beans about the time you had a threesome with strangers. This kind of admission can backlash on you for the rest of relationship (which could actually be very short once you’ve told the total truth).
The overwhelming truth may back-fire because it hurts the other person’s feelings unnecessarily. In other words, don’t be tactless and don’t leave yourself open to emotional blackmail because you have shared too much.
Resist your urges to find out everything and resist your partner’s manipulation to get it all out of you. Keep the mystery up but don’t give yourself away. Give vague answers if your partner really pushes for a response. Then reassure your partner that you love her/him.

Here’s some helpful answers to probing questions about your past:

Question: How many lovers have you had in the past?
Answer: I was curious to have a range of experiences when I was younger, but now I’m very happy with our love-making and you.

Question: Tell me your wildest fantasy?
Answer: I used to fantasise a lot about different women, but now I seem to always find you on my mind and my fantasies are about you.

Question: Did you ever have an affair?
Answer: When I was younger, I flirted and fooled around a bit with some women at various work dinners, but I decided that that could get a bit messy. Anyway, who needs to think of anyone else now I’m with you!

CAUTION: There are two things you absolutely should tell all the truth about.
1. Your safe-sex status:have you had any sexually transmitted diseases, have you had unsafe sex with anyone?
2. Your pregnancy risk status: are you on the pill, have you had a vasectomy or a tubal ligation?

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This article was originally published at ezinearticles.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.