Why Hasn't He Called?


As infuriating as it is when he doesn't call, here's the only explanation and response that matter.

Of all the questions I'm asked, the most common one is about what to do when he hasn't called. There's something about that unfinished business, about being left hanging without an explanation that leaves even the most confident of us wondering what we did wrong, and whether or not we should try to contact him to elicit some kind of an answer.

We all share the same story line: You met a great guy, you really hit it off, maybe even went on a date or two, then nothing. No phone call, no explanation, just a silent phone. Every time the phone rings your heart rate shoots up as you grab for your phone, only to see that it's your friend or your Mom calling, as your hearts sinks back into your stomach (sorry Mom!)

It's the same story.
The other part of the story that is always the same, is that we've convinced ourselves our situation is unique, unlike every other woman's experience with the guy who hasn't called. But the reality is that our story is exactly the same as all of the many, many women around the world, and through the ages, that have experienced the same thing. We just don't want to hear it or believe it.

There seems to be something about believing that our own personal situation is different, hanging onto the hope that we're the exception to the rule, that makes us feel better, at least temporarily.

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A simple explanation.
But the reality is that it's just not different. Based both my own personal experience as well as that of my friends and the many women I've counseled over the years, the answer is pretty simple: He hasn't called because he isn't ready or interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now.

And the other hard truth is that he may never be, in fact he most likely won't ever be. But that's fine because the bottom line is, he's not the guy for you. If he were, it would be happening. He'd be calling you. That's the short, tough to swallow, but true, answer. Any further explanation doesn't change anything so it doesn't matter.

What matters is you!
I can't even begin to tell you how much time and energy I personally wasted hoping to solicit some kind of an explanation from a guy who hadn't called. A guy who suddenly just disappeared. Oh, he might have still been around, either at work or at a place where we might run into each other from time to time, but in every other way, the most important ways, he was no longer in my life.

There is just something about a guy who pursues us in the beginning, even if it's only for one evening or one date, and then suddenly doesn't call, that brings out the absolute worst in us. We want to know why. We need to why. It haunts us, keeps us up at night, keeps us obsessively checking our messages, our emails, our voicemails and our phones to make sure they're still working.

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Focus on yourself.
The worst part is that it also keeps us focusing on the exact opposite of what we should be focusing on. It keeps us focusing on him and how bad he made us feel instead of focusing on ourselves and our lives and finding a relationship with a guy who genuinely wants a relationship with us and is showing us that by actively pursuing us! Why is that so difficult for us to get? It will seem so obvious to you when enough time has passed for you to be able to see the situation through clear eyes, but when you're in it I know exactly just how hard it is to let it go.

So, as tempted as you may be to call him, to track him down and get the answer out of him that you know you deserve, I'm telling you first hand that doesn't work. It never does. It doesn't make him decide he was wrong about you and then start pursuing you – if anything, the opposite is true. Because if he was about to come to his senses and call you, and beg your forgiveness for the long delay, but you call him before he has that chance, well you've just taken the chase out of it for him. Men have an innate drive to pursue any woman they're genuinely interested in, and for most men if that's taken away, then it changes the entire relationship and not for the better.

It will only make you feel worse.
And it doesn't make you feel any better – in fact, it makes you feel worse because you need something from him that he isn't giving you. By putting yourself in that begging position of looking to someone to give you some crumb to make you feel better, you only hurt your already injured self-esteem and further diminish your confidence level, all of which decreases your ability to attract your true Mr. Right.

Yes, you deserve an explanation, but that doesn't mean getting that explanation is worth what jumping through hoops to get it does to you and your precious self. You are worth so much more than that!

Instead, resist the urge to contact him and take the high road that keeps your self-confidence and self-esteem intact. That means accepting the fact that he hasn't called, regardless of the reason. It also means knowing that you are so much better off finding out now that he isn't interested, or isn't ready for a relationship with you right now, then finding out the hard way down the road after you've invested all that much more time and energy and your heart in something that wasn't meant to be in the first place.

Pick your own reason.
If you absolutely have to have a reason in order to save your sanity, go ahead and give it a reason – either he wasn't ready, wasn't interested, he was still involved with someone else, he met someone else, he's addicted to work (or something worse) in his life, he's too young, too old – whatever, you get the point. Pick whichever reason makes you feel better. And then, as hard as it may be to actually do this, let him go. Find your peace in accepting what is.

If he lost your number, he'll find a way to contact you some other way. Men in hot pursuit of something they want to pursue know no roadblocks. Let it go. He's not the one for you, obviously, regardless of how much potential he seemed to show. The reality is that you didn't even really know him well enough to make that assumption. No matter how much chemistry, no matter how attractive he was, no matter how much he pursued you. In the end, none of this will matter.

The only thing that matters is that you have saved yourself that energy, that time to focus on yourself and being available in every way for that guy who is looking for you and is ready to pursue you in such a way that there will be no question that he is truly ready and available and interested in you and everything you have to offer


Jane Garapick knows firsthand what it's like to have a broken heart, a broken dream and a broken you. She writes about adventures on the rocky road to finding Mr. Right at www.gettingtotruelove.com. To get started on your own personal journey to true love, download Jane's complimentary guide "Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the Love You Want...and Deserve"

This article was originally published at Getting To True Love. Reprinted with permission from the author.