Are You Being Too Judgmental On Your Dates?


If you're wondering where all of the good men are hiding, you may just need a change in perspective.

One of my male readers pointed something out recently that really got me thinking about the whole idea of scarcity. He made a real point that there are many educated, responsible, interesting men out there who are complaining about the opposite of what we women are often complaining about — namely, the lack of available women.

So how can it be that both sides are feeling the same, particularly when the statistics show that nearly half (or 44 percent) of the U.S. population over age 18 are single, with this group being roughly split with 53 percent being female and 47 percent being male (so single men have a slight advantage). But that's still nearly 48 million single men in the U.S. alone. So why do so many of us have so much trouble finding just one?

It got me thinking back to when my husband and I were first dating years ago. We both had many single friends and we thought it would be great to play a little matchmaker and see if we couldn't help some of them find love with each other just like we had found. After all, they were attractive, successful and single and most if not all, were tired of being solo. And they were all going to all the same types of places looking for the same thing — to meet someone who they might be interested in having a relationship with that might eventually lead to marriage.

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I really thought it would be easy to match up my single girlfriends — after all, these were women who consistently complained about never finding any good men! Here I had a guy with a plethora of great bachelor friends, all of them great choices. Getting them together should be pretty simply, right? Well, as we found out, apparently not. But that was before I understood the phenomenon I would begin to see happen over and over again as I met more and more single women and men.

We'd typically invite a few of these respective friends over to our place for a group get-together so there would be no pressure. After they would meet and hang out together for a while in this comfortable, safe, group setting, we would always want to know what they thought. And surprisingly, the answer was pretty much the same from both the men and the women — he's not my type, she's not my type. They just didn't feel that initial attraction, those sparks, that wow factor. This came from both groups! And that was the irony.

I realized this was the single biggest factor keeping them all in the same situation as they've always been — single. Digging deeper, we found both groups had their long list of must-haves, with the wow factor being at the top of the list. And both groups were becoming more and more close-minded with a stricter must-have list all the time.

You see, what we soon realized is our friends were holding out for this unrealistic, fantasy-like chemistry they couldn't even define — but they believed they would know it when they saw it. They didn't realize that while being relatively attracted to your potential mate is important, there are many more important things that will determine if you will be happy in a long term relationship or not. Like how you he treats you, how he cares about you, how you care about him.

Fireworks and chemistry both fade over time, whereas treating each other with kindness and respect, caring about each other and sharing the same values and goals will build a long lasting love like you wouldn't believe. Instead of fading with time, this kind of true love just gets better and better. Keep reading ...

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This article was originally published at Getting to True Love . Reprinted with permission from the author.