WTF - Why Do I Keep Attracting the Wrong Guy?


Why putting yourself first is the key to getting what you want.

Women often ask me “Why do I keep attracting the wrong kind of men?” In fact the seminar I deliver called “Attracting the Man You REALLY Want," (hosted by Live Authentic DC) is often sold out! I am often flooded with questions like:

·Where do I meet good men?

·What do I need to do to get a man to commit?

·Are all men liars and cheaters and commitment-phobes?

All these questions are asked in a way that has the problem with men exist outside of themselves, or require a quick fix, something they can do – like if you wear the right perfume, high heels, and skirt, at a Thursday night happy hour, and smile in a coquettish way, a “good man” who “wants to commit” will show up, make you happy, and you will ride off into the sunset together.

All men, like all women, are good men. Men have barriers to greatness as do women. They have things they are looking for in a woman, and we women, have things we are looking for in a man. There’s no secret cologne they wear that has us all wanting to marry them. What men do that is very different from women is they know themselves and what they want pretty well.  A man will tell you what he wants.  What we seldom do is take them at their word.  We hang on thinking we can change their mind, or try to figure out what's wrong and fix it, or try to find the right perfume and tight skirt combination that will make him say any version of "I want you," or "I do."

Men do one thing that is a bit challenging for women.  Men know what they want.  If they don't want a committment they generally say so or "act" so.  Most women - pretty much at the 1st or 2nd encounter with a man - know what the man is about in terms of what he wants from her.  They aren't going to marry a woman or committ to a woman who doesn't fulfill their needs - no matter how great her cooking or how hot the sex.  Men do not accept less than they want when it comes to relationships.  And if the relationship doesn't meet their needs, they get out.

We women need a bit more practice at this. We need to be a bit more self-honoring so we can get the things we want the most in dating, in the relationship, and in the bedroom. 

That’s why “men love bitches” i.e. a Babe In-Total-Control-of Herself (from Sheri Argrov’s book Why Men Love Bitches). She knows what she wants and accepts nothing less. AND men respect her for it. And the man that doesn’t, isn’t a man you want to be with.

So the questions you need to ask yourself are not, “Where do I meet good men?” --You can meet good men anywhere – at the grocery store, a party, a gallery opening, a gas station, coffee shop, book store, online, - anywhere!

It's not, "What do I need to "do" to get a man to committ? --"There is nothing to "do".  Men are either inspired to committ to a woman, or they aren't. 

And to the age old question of "Are all men cheaters, liars or committment-phobes?" -- I say men lie, cheat, and/or refuse to commit to any women who accept those behaviors.  Hell, women do too!

It’s not about “doing” something; it’s about “believing”something, “being” something. When you know your value as a woman, without a man, as defined by you and when you believe that definition with your whole heart, then you become an invitation to commitment. You inspire it.  And men will want to be with you because of who you are (secure, self-confident loving, kind, radiant, healthy, vital), NOT what you do.

So, I know what you are thinking . . . How do you inspire committment from a man?  How do I become this "invitation" you mentioned?"

One thing I do want to define for you as the term "being an invitation."

The term "being" means a living thing.  What I mean when I used this term is simply implys one should consider how one is "living" life.  In other words, how is your life expressed each day?.  Is it a sad life, an angry life, a frustrated life; or a sweet life, an adventurous life, an inviting life?

Is your life, i.e., your person, your health, your speech, your job, your family, your finances, your home, "inviting?"  In otherwords, the first you need to ask is:

Do YOU want to be with you, date you, love you? 

If anything but a clear and resounding "YES!" comes up, then there is no need to even read any further.  For you this is where "being an invitation" begins.  It begins with you actually wanting and enjoying who you are, and where you are in your life.  If you don't want to be with you, why would any one else want to?  If you feel like there is something missing, he will too. Even if all that is missing is partnership, men can feel that level of need for partnership eminating from you.  It feels like pressure - and no man wants to be with a woman who pressures him for anything. 

I am going to assume for our purposes that you are absolutely in love with yourself.  You have a healthy self image, and you are ready to date powerfully with clarity and focus on achieving a relationship with a mate.  That said, here are four key questions you can ask yourself that will help you put yourself and your needs first so you can date with a clear inviting intention.

1 – What do you want?

2 – What are the issues/barriers preventing you from having what you want?

3 – How do you set and honor your boundaries with men?

4 – How quickly do YOU move on when the relationship or the man is not right for you?

Ok, I’ll explain.

1-Know what you want. Some women will say they want a commitment, and deep down they are actually afraid. Some women may not date at all and yet claim to be seeking a mate; some have FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationships that is masked as a relationship with possibility, when really it's a glorified booty call; some have a series of “hook-ups” or one-night-stands (ONS) afraid to put real effort into a relationship for fear of being hurt; and some have other variations that meet their immediate need but do not fulfill their longing for a true partnership.

Either way, you are investing time and energy into something that does not fulfill you; something that you DON"T WANT. Even if you are not dating, you are investing time and energy into “not dating.”

Now. maybe - just maybe, not dating, or having a FWB/ONS, or some other relationship status is actually right for you, right now. The clearer you are about what you want, the easier it is to line up your actions, and the better your results. Complaining about not having a committed relationship and spending every Saturday night alone or with Johnny-come-lately will NOT get you the relationship you want. Know what you want and accept nothing less than that that.

2-Own your issues and barriers. If you know you have daddy-issues, divorce-issues, desertion (abandonment) ssues, or debasemen t(abuse) issues with men – what I call the “D-Continuum” then there are barriers. Pretending there aren’t doesn’t make them go away. There isn’t a man out there who hasn’t encountered a woman with one of these issues and complains he has to make up for some other man’s faults. It’s not inviting. Sure, there are a few men that love rescuing a woman. But kings want queens. And most men want to be with and appreciate a woman, not try to overcome her past. If you are coming to the proverbial dating table and unpacking your luggage, you are not likely to attract or retain a mate for very long. Some ladies have issues so deep they are actually repelling men. I’ve actually heard men say “As soon as she spoke, I could feel and hear how much she hated men.” Deal with your stuff! Own your stuff! You can’t be in a healthy committed relationship, unless you are committed to good emotional health and well-being for yourself.

3-Set and honor your own boundaries. Once you discover, embrace, and deal with your stuff, you can set and maintain boundaries that honor you. If your boundary is no sex until commitment, you know why it is important to YOU and you can choose to stand for that for yourself.  No relying on the man to do your job for you. Or you may want total honesty-full disclosure of all sexual activity even if you aren’t monogamous. Or maybe yelling is off the table. Or full-emotional expression even anger is what you need – you don’t like people harboring secret feelings. Whatever your boundary, you can set that boundary for yourself and speak it as a truth for you, not a demand of him. You tell him as these things come up as a part of the getting to know you process. Not as a list of commands on the first date. For example, if you prefer not to have intercourse until commitment is established, you end the date at the door or if you invite him up you simply state what will and will not happen. “I’ve had a great evening and I’d love to have you up for coffee. I really enjoy being held and kissed by you, and I’m just not ready for more than that. Are you comfortable spending time with me with those limitations?” If he’s not, you can call it a night, or continue the date in a public location, or create something else that works for the two of you. However, you have set and honored YOUR boundaries.

4-Move on when he’s not the one. If you happened to go out with someone once or twice and you don’t feel the connection or  he’s doesn’t seem to be in a place in his life where what YOU want is possible see step number 3, lol. Let him know what’s important to you.  AND if those things aren’t present, move on. If you thought there was possibility present and he doesn’t call or return your calls. Move on. Either way, the sooner you move on, the sooner you can have what you want instead of wasting time, energy, and good mascara on a man who is not “on the same page” with you. Hanging on doesn’t serve you. And will ultimately leave you feeling drained and resentful of this man and sometimes all men if this becomes a consistent pattern.

Being an invitation is about knowing yourself and doing what is best for you. About excepting nothing less than what you want and deserve for yourself. When you can be a “Bitch - a Babe In-Total-Control-of Herself,” you won’t have to worry about Mr. Wrong. You’ll be too busy enjoying Mr. Right!