He's Had An Affair

Heartbreak, Sex

Choosing whether to stay or go can be one of the hardest challenges if your partner cheats.

And yet, it is possible for couples to recover and have a healthy relationship that is loving; a relationship where commitment is honored. And when the relationship cannot recover, it is still also posible to handle the situation with respect and love even when you choose to leave.

I heard another great quote this past weekend that really sums up my thinking about this whole issue.

"A man who is accountable to no one is a dangerous thing." 

—Iyanla Vanzant

As a life coach specializing in dating and relationships for single moms, women over 40 and divorcees, I can tell you that one of the key elements to dating successfully post-divorce, knowing that you absolutely have the power to create the relationship of your dreams, by asking for what you want and taking a stand for yourself when he doesn't fulfill on the promises made. For some women had they done this in their marriage they may have been able to save the marriage. 

Making the choice to stay or go is no doubt on of the more challenging choices you will make in life. There are so many factors to consider besides the obvious emotional impacts on you, your husband/mate, and the children.

The key is to step out of being a victim and/or a punisher and become a healer for yourself and your family. Being a healer will help you answer the question of whether to stay or go. And the answer will come from a place of calm and peace, rather than anger, resentment, or sadness.

We teach people how to treat us all the time. Acceptance of a man’s adulterous behavior or relationships AND remaining in the marriage is a recipe for more infidelity. Unless or until you can make a stand for how you want to be treated in the marriage; unless or until you can require that he honor the vows he spoke before your respective communities; and unless or until you clearly articulate your vision for your family and the kind of husband and father you want for your children; then you are not healed.

Moreover, he cannot be held accountable for what he does not know or what YOU accept. If you accept his behavior, his infidelity, then ultimately you have given your power, your self-esteem and your spirit to your husband to do with as he wishes.

When you marry someone you take vows, make promises. When you make promises, you have made a commitment and are accountable. (i.e. obligated to report, explain, or justify something; you are responsible; you are answerable to the person to whom these vows and promises were made). 

Ultimately being in a successful relationship is not about love, romance, regular sex, finances, or even family.  It is about agreement. It is about the agreement between two people to honor the promises made and treat each other with respect until death do they part.  You can absolutely love someone who does not treat you well and choose not to keep their company. In the words of Tina Turner, "What’s love got to do with it."  I have seen many couples who love each other, and leave each other, preferring to maintain their self-respect rather than hold on to a relationship that left them feeling unworthy and drained. And I’ve seen couples make new promises and take their relationship to the next level maintaining their individual self-respect and honoring their word and the commitments and agreements made to their mate. Keep Reading...