Are You Ad'dic"ted?

Love, Sex

When the SEX is hot, and the relationship is not!

Ok, perhaps I am giving in to sensationalism just a bit, BUT I am also speaking the truth!  How many of you ladies have stayed with a man because –the sex was hot!  I mean that man could wield his penis like Thor wields his hammer!  You’ve never screamed so loud!  You’ve never had that many orgasms.  You’ve can’t believe how long he spent going down on you.  You’ve never been with such a primal, generous lover in your life!  I mean he really knows how to bring it (work it, slam it, pound it, do it, or whatever euphemism you prefer)!

And like all great things that tap into our pleasure center (food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sugar, tv, etc.) consistently, somehow we get just a bit out of balance.  We can’t see the forest for the trees and before you know it we’re addicted.  Some people would say some addictions are healthy.  Wrong!  All addictions are UNHEALTHY.  When you can’t walk away from something or someone, it is not good.  You can be committed, but not addicted.  A person committed to fitness, can work out every day, and also take a rest when tired or injured.  A person addicted to fitness will never rest.  They will run even if it is detrimental to their health, or others are hurt watching them kill themselves to be fit.  The will go into debt to maintain their gym membership.  They will risk injury or illness to get that run in.  Addiction is addiction, no matter what the vice.  It can be physiological, psychological, or emotional.

Good sex, consistently good sex for women is hard to come by, so it’s real easy get addicted real fast.  When a man can satisfy you to the point of screaming, that is absolutely worth going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, and fifths.  I once had a woman tell me her man made her hallucinate jewelry during orgasm.   [Now that’s a penis I could happily claim an addiction.]  Seriously, speaking we all know that women secrete oxytocin a bonding chemical during sex.  The more you sex him, the more you bond.  And if the sex is good, you are likely to sex him more, bond more, and thus the addiction is well on the way. 

There is also the chemical addiction of emotion.  Emotions are nothing but chemical reactions in the brain, much like a sugar addiction, or a heroine addiction.   When you see him, you HAVE to sex him.  And when you do there is an emotional high, chemicals create euphoria, pleasure released just like the first bite of a piece of chocolate or the first hit from the crack pipe.  Conversely, when not with him, there is a plummeting low, those chemicals aren’t released and thus you crave him.  The craving causes other chemicals/emotions to be released, sadness, frustration, longing, and loneliness.  And just like a heroine jones, you just can’t wait to get another shot of that d*ck, his d*ck.  That’s why so many of the advice columns give women advice and end with this same phrase “. . . no matter how good the sex is!” 

There’s also the psychological addiction of believing you are better with him than without him.  He actually adds to your life no matter that you have nothing in common, you spend little time together, he never contacts you except to make that infamous “booty call”.  You rationalize how much he cares about you and every time you have sex you vow to stop telling your girlfriends about your relationship because they “just don’t understand him, us.”

Doctors, psychologist, therapist, and coaches know, that we can become emotionally addicted, physically, and mentally addicted to someone.  They have a technical term for it call co-dependence, dysfunction, or abuse.  Yes I said abuse.  If I guy has got you strung out on his c*ck, then what would you call it.  And as I’ve said before, ALL addictions are unhealthy.   So what’s a girl to do? 

How do I avoid addiction? 

Well to avoid addiction, you need to tell the truth.  Not to anyone else to yourself.  Why are you seeing  this guy?  What else does he offer you besides good sex?  Be honest.  No one is around but you.  If you can’t tell the truth to yourself, you may never get beyond this man.  It is important to acknowledge the relationship for what it is.  And if you are seeing a man only for sex, and deep in your heart you know you want something else from him, from any man, then tell it like it is to you and to him.

Once you own up to “what’s so” about the relationship, the actual facts then you can make healthy choices that honor your boundaries.  This guy is not Mr. Right.  Don’t treat him like he is.  Engage him and the relationship as it truly is, not for what you wish it were.  Acknowledge to yourself what this is – a sexual relationship.  And acknowledge he’s a fantastic lover.  Then ask yourself is this what you want?  If you are in the market for a lover, then set boundaries that work for you.  AND more importantly, HONOR THEM!  If you know sleeping over takes it to a new level for you, don’t sleep over.  If introducing him to your friends takes it to a new level don’t introduce him to your friends.  If you prefer to see each other for sex and nothing else, then make arrangements to have sex and do not engage in any other activity.  Deal with him where he is.  Not how you wish he would be.

If you want to avoid addiction, you need to be clear about what you want from the beginning.  There are times, when you may know a man is a great lover, and that doesn’t mean he should become YOUR lover.  Yes, ladies, I am advocating you take responsibility for your sex life.  If you want to be empowered in your dating and relationship the first rule is to create your own rules and play by them.  If you want a relationship, don’t take lovers, or at least don’t take lovers with zero relationship possibility.  If you want to be married, don’t stay in a long term relationship with a man who doesn’t want to be married.  If you want children don’t go out with men who aren’t interested in becoming a father.  Date men, who are on the same page you are; then if you choose to take a lover, or not, at least you are playing the game by your own rules.  You are engaging men where you want to be, not engaging men that have no interested in your relationship dream.

What do I do if I am addicted?

One word - Detox!  Men are quite content to allow you to continue to give up the goods until he’s chosen to be done. Make no mistake I am not blaming him.  You are equally responsible equally empowered if not more so to end this relationship and move on.   If you know you have an addictive relationship, cut it off!  Go cold turkey.  You can’t wean yourself off of this one.  You need to look yourself in the eye and choose yourself not his penis.  And for some it may not be the penis, it could be the drama, or maybe drugs and/or alcohol are involved.  The remedy is the same.  Get off the stuff and get on with your life!  If you can’t do it alone, get help.  Get support from a friend, a coach, a counselor, or spiritual guide.  Don’t spend one more minute with someone on that has you on an emotional and sexual roller coaster ride.  You are wasting time in a relationship that is going nowhere.  

You can replace things.  You can get more sex.  But you cannot get back the time you’ve lost hanging out with some guy who isn’t on your relationship page.  Don’t look back 5, 10, 15 years still getting a twice a week conjugal visit from some guy who isn’t interested in you beyond the point of ejaculation.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.