If Anybody Deserved To Have Sex, Jesus Did


How can a man come to save this world and not experience a woman? Women should have been throwing themselves at Jesus on general principle. Here you have a man full of love, but you want to sleep with Barabbas?  All right, I know what you’re thinking: An orgasm with Jesus would have been too much too handle. I can still hear you screaming.

How many women today are having spiritual sex with Jesus? You might as well stop hiding the dildo, drop the panties and be honest with yourself. Don’t tell me the pastors and deacons are taking up the slack until Jesus’ return. Ooh-wee, it's getting steamy up in here!

Jesus would have had a woman from every walk of life, because love does not discriminate. Come one, come all. And what's wrong with that? Isn't sex about love? So long as I'm acting in the spirit of love, what's the problem? Sex allows a man to know things about a woman that she can't even tell him about herself. New discoveries are being made every day. In fact, you are  learning things about yourself you didn’t even know. "You put all of that in me? Wow. Oh, holy crap, all of that was inside my body?!" You look so surprised! It's your vagina, but I guess you didn't realize it, because I got to know it just a little bit better than you. It's like a friend teaching you how to use features on your cell phone that you did not even know existed.  Your iPhone can do things you never even knew about until your friend Bubba showed you.

Love sees no color, only your spirit. So why did none of the women on this planet have sex with Jesus when he was here? That makes absolutely no sense. All of that hard work he was putting in to save the world; he even gave his life, and you’re going to tell me that not one woman found him attractive enough to make an offer? None pleaded with him to take some time off and allow himself to experience heaven on earth?  “Come on, Jesus, I am waiting for you!”  I do not believe there is anything more beautiful than being between the legs of a beautiful woman. I'm sorry; Jesus getting none makes no sense to me.

If I were Jesus, I would've been putting in work behind the scenes during my off-hours, like John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., Bill Clinton, Michael Jordan and Jesse Jackson, not to mention the likes of Obamacare. Why not? How can you come to properly save the world without getting some pussy? I'm sorry, but a world without vajajay is not a world worth saving.

Think about it. If you couldn't get dick, would life be worth the struggles you go through on a daily basis? Driving through Los Angeles traffic to get home to feed the cat? I don’t think so, honey. How can you be the savior of the world without experiencing a woman? How could you be Superman without experiencing a woman? You might be super-horny, squirting super sperm everywhere because you are over your holding capacity. Even a volcano has to erupt at some point. Eruptions give way to new life and new births. It is necessary for the survival of the human race.

If I were one of the disciples, I would have had to say, “Sorry, Jesus, I need to take a day off to see my wife. Heaven and earth will understand.” Why would I become human if I did not want to have human experiences? And sex, my dears, is a human, as well as a spiritual, experience.

Why do you think the world is in so much trouble now? If the pope were having sex, trust me; the world he influences would be in much better shape, and instead of wars and hatred on a daily basis, it would be replaced by, "I'll call you back, Obama, Suzy’s waiting in the papal office." If the pope had a woman in his life, his decision making would certainly be different. “No Pope Innocent, I want red flowers, not pink.” A woman is necessary. Even Jesus, who came as the son of man, could not have come without the assistance of a woman.  He chose not do it by himself.

I love Jesus, but honestly, how could he have spent 33 years on planet earth helping people and seeing some of the most beautiful women of that time period, without a single one giving him some vajajay? That's incredible. No massage? Only one foot rub? (Luke 7:36-50) No back rub? No oral sex? (Oral Sex 101:What You Need to Know) Sounds more like torture on earth to me.

How could your best friend Mary Magdalene be a ho, give everyone else some vajajay and, knowing you’re the savior of the world, not give you a taste? Something is not right about this story.

I honestly believe that as the son of God, Jesus was cheated out of the most important and emotional human experience on the planet. There is no way you can grow up on this planet and not experience the love of a woman physically.

How can you be God and man but not experience the energy and emotions of two people intertwined, sucking and breathing each other's air? It is the best experience on planet earth! Nothing beats it. So why would you, as a pope, bishop, saint, nun or monk, deny yourself the most beautiful experience on earth?

I know Jesus came to save us, but how could he truly save us if he never had sex with a woman? According to the story, it was a woman who brought down Adam. It was Bathsheba that made David send Uriah to the frontlines, and it was Delilah that cut the Great Sampson’s hair.

Understanding the emotions, the highs and lows, the love and hate that come with such an emotionally-charged experience as having an intimate relationship with a woman, is what life is pretty much all about for healthy, heterosexual men. If anyone deserved to have sex with a woman, it was Jesus. At least one woman should have given herself to Jesus. Hook the man up; he deserved it! A man has not truly lived until he has experienced a woman physically, spiritually and mentally.

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This article was originally published at How To Get The Man of Your Dreams . Reprinted with permission from the author.