Photo: Vulp / Shutterstock
What does he actually want?
By Mary Ellen Goggin Jerry Duberstein — Last updated on Mar 11, 2023
One of our deepest human needs is to be known by another. So when a guy feels known and understood by you, he feels loved — which is ultimately what men want in relationships.
However, couples often assume they already know everything about one another. Women, especially. But many partners leave so many things unsaid. Men, especially — even those in happy, long-term relationships.
It is surprising really, all the things men and women don't know and have never asked about each other. What surprises them, even more, is how curious they can become once they start.
But, even after taking the initiative to ask deep questions that will help you learn more about what your boyfriend or husband wants in your relationship, there are some things that most men simply won't admit — no matter how open, in love with you or safe they feel.
Here are 11 things guys won't tell the woman they love (that they wish you already knew):
1. They're sensitive, too.
Men are more sensitive than they let on.
2. They like getting compliments just as much as you do.
Men like to be complimented about their appearance.
3. They take pride in their ability to care for you.
Men show love by going to work and providing for their families.
4. They want to meet your sexual needs.
Men care deeply that their partner is sexually satisfied.
5. They don't like to be compared to other men.
Men dislike their partners to compare them with other women’s husbands, especially with respect to their earning power.
6. They enjoy some 'unknowns' in relationships.
Men like their partners to maintain a bit of mystery, spontaneity, and unpredictability.
7. They have trouble being vulnerable.
Men want women to understand that vulnerability is difficult for them. In this society, men are conditioned to stoicism, toughness, and competitiveness. Opening up is very challenging.
8. They see the world differently than you do.
Men see the world in terms of hierarchical structures.
9. They're hard-wired to take charge.
Men put Herculean effort into adapting to our egalitarian society. It’s a struggle for them to be less dominant.
10. They have real struggles.
Men want women to understand that the life of boys is not easy. The rites of passage are different from the experience of women and involve risk-taking, competitiveness, dealing with physical aggression, top-dogging, etc. They have been formed by their upbringing and cultural norms.
11. Their brains work differently than yours.
Men tend to be more sequential and linear thinkers and doers, which makes them less able to multitask.
If any of these topics have caused friction between you and your man, consider what you can change about the way you talk and react to him that would show you understand him better.
Not only will it help you give him what he wants in your relationship, but it will also inspire him to provide the quality of love and affection you crave, too.
More for You:
Dr. Jerry Duberstein, Ph.D., is a couples therapist and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, JD, is a relationship guide. They lead private intensive couples retreats and are the co-authors of Relationship Transformation: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too.
YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.
This article was originally published at Free and Connected. Reprinted with permission from the author.