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This involves some common sense.
By Dr Elayne Daniels — Written on Aug 30, 2020
You probably already know that DMs stand for "direct messages," so when you "slide into DMs", you want the other person to notice you and correspond with you.
In my psychotherapy practice, young adults between the ages of 16 and 26 with a range of problems meet with me to talk about their relationships.
Many of them use online methods to connect with a potential partner and want to know how to slide into DMs and get noticed.
In modern dating, everyone wants to know how to slide into someone's DMs and get noticed.
Romantic relationships — hookups, friends with benefits, dating, and even polyamory — are a big part of our conversation.
After all, being in a relationship is an important part of healthy development, and of life. Nonetheless, relationships can be challenging to navigate. That is a universal truth.
Dating and getting into a relationship can be difficult for everyone.
One of the most common methods these days to meet people is through dating apps and other forms of social media.
Meeting people online is no longer necessarily regarded as creepy or as something that only losers do. It still requires caution, though, and common sense must prevail.
Whether meeting people in person or online, the basics of what, when, and how still apply. You have to consider what to say, how to say it, and if and when take it up a notch.
One of the advantages of going the DM route is that it shifts the back-and-forth over social media to a place that is just between you two. Unless, of course, you share the conversation with your friends.
Do not DM something you would be embarrassed by if it became more public.
Nudes, for example, are not advised. Drunk DMs are usually a bad idea, too.
Even though a private conversation may be easy to establish, it's still very tricky.
Be sincere, non-generic, and genuine with a timely approach to direct messaging.
The timing matters — you want to get someone’s attention but in a sincere, positive way. In spite of your efforts, the person may be offended or otherwise turned off by your attempts to be charming.
It's easy and so basic to DM about the other person’s appearance. And if you're generic in your DMs, you will not be noticed or stand out in any positive way.
If you want to stand out, don't approach DM-ing by using this common default mode.
If you don't want to appear desperate, focus on aspects of their posts that are not about their appearance. Show genuine interest in who the person is, rather than what the person looks like.
Do a little non-stalking research by briefly scrolling through their feed. DM them about something they posted that you are curious about or also find interesting.
If they post about a hobby, for example, comment on something related to the hobby. It's a much more natural and sincere way to slide into someone’s DMs.
Looking at their feed to see what they're into and where they've been recently is OK.
If they posted a picture from a football game, ask about it, especially if you have the same favorite team. Or even if the teams are rivals!
Having something to ask them about that is meaningful, based on what you can discern from their feed, means you are more likely to generate interest than rejection.
Be wary of bad etiquette when sliding into someone's DMS.
It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway: Beware of jokes, sarcasm, and "humor." It can be hard to capture tone in text! Offending the person will get you noticed in a bad way.
I asked three people in their early 20s what the cheesiest DMs are they ever received.
Some examples include:
- "There's something wrong with my phone — it doesn’t have your number in it!"
- "Do you have a Band-Aid? I scraped my knee falling for you."
- "Do you have a pencil? I want to erase your past and write our future."
These pickup lines were not necessarily failures, but their authenticity was questioned,.
Of course, when asked what kinds of DMs they enjoyed receiving, some examples include:
- GIFs of cute animals
- Viral memes
- Sincere questions related to their feed (sports, trips, events)
Both men and women reported that overly sexual, arrogant, or aggressive DMs are a turn-off.
Most importantly, be yourself.
Be yourself. It can be tempting to present yourself as someone you are not. Rarely is that a good idea.
Even in the "old days," when people used to meet at bars and clubs, not everyone made a connection that night. The same goes for DMs.
Not everyone you DM will be interested, just like not everyone who DMs you is of interest.
Approach social media DM-ing in a way that doesn't determine your self-esteem. Practice and find time for other ways to meet people in person, too.
Or maybe even indulge your aunt, grandmother, or next-door neighbor and let her introduce you to that perfect person she has in mind for you to meet.
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Dr. Elayne Daniels is a renowned psychologist who works with men and women on body image and sexuality. To contact her or to learn more about the services she offers, contact her on her website or send her an email.