The Fights We Don’t Have to Have


It’s pouring rain today, and our Internet is down – again. It doesn't like changes in weather.

It’s pouring rain today, and our Internet is down – again. It doesn’t like changes in weather. But when I saw the telltale extra red light on the modem (3 red lights is a good sign, but 4 is a very, very bad sign) I felt happy instead of crushed – because finally, after 3+ months of constant outages, I actually ordered a backup internet service which got installed yesterday. I couldn’t get over my own wisdom and good fortune! I gloated! I basked in gratitude!

And all this made me think about the near-misses we so rarely celebrate – the colds we don’t get, the fender-benders we narrowly steer away from, the fights we don’t have with the people we love. It’s a truism that each of us has so much to be grateful for every day, and that we rarely let in the full force of that truth.

Michelle and I have been pondering that more often lately, since we’re talking and thinking and writing so much about common lesbian relationship problems – and that makes us realize how many fights we don’t have. The truth is, we’ve had about half a fight in our entire 8 years together. (It never got to be a whole fight because I interrupted myself in the process of blaming Michelle for something that really wasn’t her fault.) Yet I’ve had other relationships in which the smallest things could – and often did – become fight. I tensed up when my girlfriend was driving too fast, and she got defensive – and we fought. I threw some more things into the cooler for our camping trip, after she’d neatly packed it, and she got upset – and we fought.

It’s wonderful, these days, to have the skills to take responsibility for, and diffuse, my own reactions (thank you, SCORE process!) and to share my life with someone who does the same. It leaves our time and creative energy free for so many more enjoyable and interesting things – like building Conscious Girlfriend, dancing in our living room, playing “bouse” with our stir-crazy cat (a bouse is a strange cat-toy hybrid of bird and mouse), listening to the frogs sing outside about the rain that’s finally here… and yes, praising the Great God Viasat for the satellite internet service with which we’ve been blessed today.