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Because you don't want to be "that" guy.
By Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford — Written on Oct 03, 2020
Texting can be a quick and easy way to connect with someone you like. And if you're wondering how to text a girl and tell her you like her, you're definitely not alone.
For some people, sending texts — whether it's a snap on Snapchat or a DM on Instagram or Twitter — can be a saving grace. FaceTiming or calling someone you like can be a lot of pressure. With texts, you get to think through which things to talk about with a girl and what you really want to say, allowing you to carefully craft the message you hope to deliver before you hit "send". Remember, girls love to get texts that show confidence.
You also have time to figure out how to flirt with a girl over text in a way that will tell her you like her (and help get a girl interested in you, too). You get an opportunity make changes and edits to your messages before the person on the other end receives them. Since a text doesn't convey body language, you need to be sure you are being clear or she'll stop texting you.
To help you learn how to text a girl the right way (and not annoy her), I'm sharing eleven steps for sending the best texts, a FAQ (frequently asked questions) list, and the most important do's and don'ts for texting someone you like.
General texting tips to keep in mind:
This should go without saying, but this person you like is a real human being, unique and valuable. Too many guys approach women like a conquest or to get something, like an ego boost, intimacy, or clout with their friends. This is a losing strategy that ends up hurting people in the long run.
Keeping in mind that she is unique and an individual is the best way to start. Listen to her, pay attention to what she says, and back off if you get signals that she's not into you that way.
With all that in mind, the steps detailed below can help you text a girl in a way she'll find attractive and intriguing.
How to Text a Girl: 11 Steps to Follow
1. Text her within 24 hours of meeting her.
If you've just met and she gave you her phone number or you connected on social media, like Instagram or Snapchat, it's best to text her within the first 24 hours after meeting her. This is a good time frame because it's not too fast, but it also lets her know that you're interested.
2. Know who she is and why you're texting her before you start typing.
Ask yourself the following questions before you start writing texts:
— What do you want to know about her?
— What do you like about her?
— Who is she as a person?
— Why do you find her so attractive and interesting?
Once you answer these questions for yourself, you'll know where to begin texting the woman you like. You'll also have a good sense of what not to text because you'll have considered who she is and what she might find interesting. Not just what you want to say to her.
3. Make sure your opening line is sincere and starts a conversation.
What sounds genuine? What would really help start a conversation? Texting a woman something like, “Good morning, love”, “Good morning, beautiful”, or especially, “Good morning, sexy” when you don't know her well can be a huge turnoff. Save the good morning texts for when you're dating or in a real relationship.
Texting these types of comments may also convey to her that you may not be entirely certain of who you are texting. She could easily think you may be sending out batches of generic, pre-written texts to as many women as possible, then waiting to see who responds. Many women lose interest fairly quickly if they believe you're on some kind of fishing expedition rather than striving to get to know them personally.
Just like men, women want to feel special and unique, not as though they are simply one of many. They also want to feel valued for more than how they look and seen as more than a conquest.
So think it through and don't be impulsive. Say something unique and personal. And for heaven's sake, use her name.
4. Show her that you have been paying attention (without seeming like a stalker).
Think about something that connects the two of you, or something unique that you noticed about her. Comment on something interesting that happened at the place where you both work, or on something she may have said in class.
For example, if you know she's a fan of the classic show, "Buffy The Vampire Slayer," mention that you were thinking of binging it this weekend and you remembered that she liked it. If you saw her walking her dog, mention how cute her dog is and talk about your own pets.
Just don't start listing off all the things you know about her like you're an FBI informant. Mentioning one or two things will be enough.
5. Ask her a few meaningful open-ended questions.
Going back to step #1, think about what you really want to know about her and what matters to you. It's fun to ask questions like, "What's your favorite color?" but those are actually better saved for later on, when you're lingering on long FaceTime calls or hanging out.
Once you've warmed up with a casual question like, "How did you feel about that test today?" or "What are you up to this weekend?", ask her something more personal. There are tried-and-true questions that can help you get to know someone, or you can tailor questions to who you know her to be.
An open-ended question makes room for her to give a long response, not just a one-word "yes" or "no" type of thing.
Try to follow the natural flow of the conversation. For instance, in the example above, if she seems excited that you're going to watch "Buffy," ask, "What's your favorite thing about that show?" or "What makes you love it?"
If you really want to get to know someone, listening to them talk about what makes them happy is one of the best ways. Just remember that a little goes a long way.
6. Say something personal — but not too personal.
Contribute your own opinions and feelings, but don't get too deep the first time you text a girl. She doesn't need to know all the messy details of your parents' divorce or your last heartbreak in your first few snaps, so save that stuff for later when you can tell she's ready to have a deep conversations.
If you're talking about TV and movies, share what you love and why. If you're talking about school, open up about what's been tough for you — maybe a subject you found challenging or a teacher who seems super mean.
7. Keep bringing the conversation back to her
Don't get lost in your own tangents! It's easy to text away on a rant or go down a rabbit hole about something you love. But when you're first texting a woman, it's good to keep steering the conversation back to her. Ask more questions or respond to something she said earlier.
8. Compliment her the right way.
A non-romantic, non-sexual compliment like, "It's so cool that you play the saxophone" or "I really admire how much time you spend volunteering." They need to be genuine compliments, as insincerity is a major turnoff for most people.
9. Follow her lead.
If she seems to want to have a super casual conversation — like just talking about work or school, don't push it. If she is talking about deeper issues, follow her into those things as long as she continues to reciprocate.
If she's sending you selfies or snaps, pay attention to the types of pics they are. If she's snapping you random pics of her ceiling or her forehead, don't go sending a super vulnerable sexy pout pic back. By the same measure, if she's texting you selfies of her whole face where she's trying to look cute, you should do the same.
Most importantly, if she's not engaging as much as you, back off.
10. Keep it rated PG.
Over-sexualized texts that don't seek to explore the context of a woman’s character but rather her physical dimensions are typically nothing but a huge turn-off.
These texts aren't only creepy, but they convey the message you're only interested in one thing.
If you are really interested in a woman and think you want to build a relationship with her, you want to be transparent and authentic.
You want her to know that you are interested in her mind, soul, and interests, not just the physical aspects of her.
11. Know when to say "GTG."
The old comedy trope "leave them wanting more" is perfect when it comes to texting a girl you like. Go out on a high note so you can text her again tomorrow or in a few days. She may even text you again sooner than that, and she may even ask to FaceTime then, too.
But if she's losing interest, it's best to get out early and end on a high note.
General do's and don'ts for texting someone you like:
Do: Be funny.
Everyone likes to laugh.
Don't: Be sarcastic, snarky or edgy.
Not everyone is into this type of humor, and some people will find it rude or offensive.
Do: Be open.
Be real, be yourself, and open up.
Don't: Be a crybaby or pathetic.
It's great for men to be emotional and to cry. Women love guys who are willing to show their soft side, but if you don't know her well, it's not the time to be super vulnerable.
Do: Ask questions.
We all want to text with someone who is interested in who we really are.
Don't: Interrogate her.
Pepper her with so many questions she feels like she's at a job interview or being interrogated for a crime.
Do: Send snaps of your face.
If you're on Snapchat, go ahead and send a snap of your face. You can be silly or try to be cute, but go for it. Body language in your selfies says a lot and learning how to take a great selfie goes a long way.
Don't: Send inappropriate photos.
Not only is that not OK when you're first getting to know someone, even when you do know her well and are flirting, you need to ask before sending anything sexy.
Do: Flirt.
If you're getting the signals that the girl you like feels the same way, definitely flirt with her.
Don't: Sext.
It's too soon. She's not going to hate you for keeping it cute, but she might hate you for rushing into something more intimate, before she's ready. She may think you only see her as the type of girl you want to hook up with, not as a potential girlfriend.
Do: Text her regularly.
After your first text conversation or snap session, follow up and see what she's up to on a regular basis. Something casual every day is totally reasonable if she's responding positively.
Don't: Stalk her.
Maintain a general 1:1 text/snap ratio. That is, if you text her one message and she texts one back, you're good. If you text her one and she doesn't reply, so you text another and then yet another to follow up, you're at 3:0 — and that's a bad ratio. Not attractive.
Do: Wait to read her texts until you have time to respond thoughtfully.
You don't want to rush a reply or, worse, forget to reply at all.
Don't: Leave her on read.
If she can see that you read her text or DM or that you viewed her snap but didn't reply, that's super rude. To most people, leaving someone on read means you don't like them at all.
Do: Make plans.
If she seems interested, definitely make plans together, sharing some date ideas. Usually that happens after you've texted or snapped as well as FaceTimed, but you can ask her out on text if that is how it works for you (or if you're older/not using FaceTime or Snapchat much).
Don't: Pressure her to meet up face-to-face. Everyone moves at their own speed and there are lots of reasons she may not be ready for an in-person hang. Keep an invite casual and see how she responds, then drop it if she's not enthusiastic.
FAQs about how to text a girl, especially when you really like her.
Should I send a text message, a DM or Snapchat her?
Reach out to her wherever you see her regularly posting and definitely do not download an app you don't already use just to talk to a girl you like. Follow what makes sense for you. If you engage with her mostly on Instagram, send a DM.
Doing something outside your character or normal life will make you seem desperate.
When should I tell a girl I like her, or that she's pretty/beautiful/amazing?
Wait until you get the sense that she at least thinks you're cool as a friend. See how she receives compliments that are non-romantic first. There's a risk in giving a romantic compliment, but it's worth it when the time is right.
Is it appropriate to screenshot her texts or snaps/selfies?
Generally, no. Once you two are exchanging real flirty banter and selfies/snaps, you can ask her, "Hey, this is so cute, can I screenshot this?" Just don't send screenshots to anyone else. It's seriously inappropriate and a violation of privacy — it's also a great way to get a girl to never speak to you again.
Is it OK to send long texts?
It's always good to keep it short and sweet at first, and then to follow her lead. If she's sending you long paragraphs, then it's cool. If she's not, you might seem a little pushy or self-obsessed if you go on for a long time like that.
How long should I wait before replying?
Most people have their phones on them all the time, so it's not weird to reply right away. You don't have to follow some rule about waiting a long time, like back in the old days when guys waited three days before calling a girl. But it also won't hurt to wait a little bit of time before replying, if you're in the middle of something.
Just don't leave her on read!
Is there a set amount of time that's appropriate before texting again?
If you've had one great conversation via text and then said goodbye, it's good to wait until the next day and check in again to be friendly. There's no set of rules here, but daily check-ins aren't that unusual and if it feels natural and she's responding well to it, that's cool. If she seems to be losing interest, wait longer.
Hopefully all of these texting tips and steps for sending great texts to a girl have helped.
Just remember, the most important thing is to be genuine, kind and respectful — and then let things flow.
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Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford is a psychologist who focuses on relationships, dating, and personality issues, as well as a Certified Relationship Specialist with Diplomate Status, and an expert with the American Psychotherapy Association.