Why Won't She Talk About Sex With Me?


Why wouldn't a woman talk about sex with her male friends? Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee answers.

I was recently asked by a heterosexual male why his female friends does not talk about sex with him. 

I recall why I did not talk about sex with my male friends in the past. Because they didn't ask! Because they were always crude about sex, and I didn't want to hear what they had to say. Because I was too embarrassed. I began to rattle off what seemed to be obvious answers in my head.

However one should never assume. Hence I took to my Facebook wall once again and asked my friends and followers. Hence, this is a compilation of my own thoughts and opinions as well as of others through my Facebook wall.

Why She Doesn't Talk About Sex With Her Male Friends:

  1. Not interested in him and don't want him to have the wrong idea
  2. Interested in him and don't want him to have the wrong idea
  3. Not comfortable talking about sex - the subject
  4. Not thought of talking about sex with him
  5. Not even thought of talking about sex with anybody
  6. Not interested in hearing about his views and experiences about sex
  7. Expecting him to bring up subjects he wants to talk about it (not necessarily sex)
  8. Hoping for him to bring up the subject first
  9. Does not know what to talk about because she has no sexual experience
  10. Don't feel safe talking about sex with him
  11. Does not consider him to be an appropriate equal in the conversation
  12. Believes that he will not be able to take the information in confidence i.e. that it will be shared or that he will gossip
  13. Fear of getting him sexually excited
  14. Fear that the conversation would veer out of  control
  15. Fear of the conversation leading to sexually harrassment or sexual assault
  16. Fear of being called or labelled a slut
  17. Many more other topics to share since she's a multi-faceted woman
  18. Many more other more important topics to talk about
  19. She's asexual (Answer from a male)
  20. She's lost her libido (Answer from a male)
  21. She has had a bad sexual experience (Answer from a male)
  22. Someone once asked "are you listening because you care or are you listening because you want to be entertained?" (I interpret it to mean fear of being treated as an entertainer. I get that a lot because of my work!)
  23. Fear that it will become a focus of conversation even after the subject could appropriately move on.
  24. It's all about sex from henceforth! He will keep bringing up this topic with her because he has nobody else to talk to about it!
  25. Because talking about sex is work (coming from a sexuality educator! Ditto, here!)

Can you think of any other possibilities? Let's get the discussion going below!

Dr Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops, and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. Her book Love, Sex and Everything In Between is out now. For more, visit www.ErosCoaching.com.