How To Spice Up Your Relationship: Be Good Friends


Focus on the friendship to sustain romance.

A friend is someone who has your back.  Someone who knows you and likes you and regards you with affection. Someone who sees the positive side of you even when you don't.  It is someone you enjoy. And when this is reciprocated there is a felt sense of 'weness' versus 'what can I get out of this?"  It's not just about me but also what might you be feeling and needing. We take the other into consideration. And this can make a difference in your love life.

When a partner has a need for companionship that doesn't necessarily mean that the person is clingy or overly dependent but possibly better long-term relationship material. This is important to notice if you are single and looking for a relationship.

The 'hard to get challenge' may not be a good choice for the long run. They may be the ones that are in it for what they can get out of it, not necssarily attuned to you and what you are wanting or needing. Those who are seeking companionship may be better at romantic committment and sexual fulfillment.

"Researchers found that lovers who are also close friends enjoy better sex, more love and greater commitment." Those who are more in it for what they can get,tend to not stick around as long.

Valuing the friendship component of a romantic relationship, even over passion, is associated with greater commitment to the relationship, greater experienced love for the partner, and greater sexual  fulfillment.

Friends know each other. They attune to each other.  Does your partner 'get' you? Do you feel they have your back? You might want to ask yourself, how well do we know each other?  Is your partner curious about you, what is happening in your life, how do you feel about it? How much do you feel you are known by your partner?

The part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life, John Gottman calls "Love Maps".  And his research shows that this is the foundation of good relationships. If we don't have a deep knowledge of each other how can we truly love?

Knowing the little things about your partner’s life creates a strong foundation for your intimacy. He suggests a "Love Map" exercise of questions and topics you can ask and discuss with each other. (And there is an app for that.)  Some topics may be knowing our partners life dreams and their current stressors.

And all this can lead to greater sexual fulfillment.  Amazing but true.