Sex and Love Are Not New This Valentine's Day


You did not invent sex and you are not the first person to experience love and you are not the last

Sorry to disappoint you, but love is not new.  You did not invent sex and you are not the first person to experience love or to discover a certain sexual position or a specific way to please your partner.  Believe it or not, whatever you can imagine, conceive, or indulge in, you are not the first person to do this.

I had the pleasure of being on a panel at the pretigious Soho Beach House in Miami Beach.  This unique hotel is home to the creative arts, a place for artists, photographers, authors and others in the creative arts fields to meet and socialize while enjoying private events and peaceful self-reflection on the ocean in Miami Beach, Florida. 

The first panel member to introduce herself was Naomi Wilzig, a delightful ageless woman who became probably the world's largest collector of erotic art.  She had collected so many erotic paintings, scultpures, wood carvings and more that she had to continually expand her space until she opened the doors to the World Erotic Art Museum in Miami.  She explained, in her simple and jokingly serious manner, that just one sexual act is not portrayed the same way by any two artists.  Each artist interprets the same behavior in a slightly different way.  Her description made the whole audience become eager to visit her museum and explore this facet.  She also explained that she had images of the most unexpected types of sexual scenes that dated back throughout the centuries.  In her erotic art exhibits, what we might believe is a 20th or 21st century discovery, is a human behavior that has been around since the life began.  Since humans have always engaged in the sexual act to propagate the species, they have also engaged in all the different types of acts that are possible.

The second panel member to speak was Ms. M., a young, vibrant and enthsiastic author who is the advice columnist for the New York Museum of Sex.  She laughs as she talks about one of her favorite exhibits, "The Sex Life of Animals," and the way dolphins are able to have "blowhole sex," whatever that is.  And she also told us about another exhibit revealing the "Evolution of Desire."  We have a lively discussion about orgasms and her current information about "the second internal clitoris."  For years there was a debate about whether or not women had 2 different types of orgasms, vagina and clitoral.  Now, the scientific research seems to indicate that there is only one type of orgasm, clitoral, although the sensations may be different for different women and at different times.  She also lamented the known fact that many women do not seem to be able to orgasm directly through partner sex, but can more easily do this with a vibrator or a partner's external assistance.

The third panel member was my friend and local colleague, Dr. Sally Valentine.  She is a licensed clinical social worker, with hypnotherapy, trauma,and addiction training.  But she is most widely known for her wonderfully opening and healing Tantric Sex weekend retreats.  Her perspective focused on connection between two lovers, eye contact, body movements that flow together and deep, abdominal breathing to relax the entire body.  She provided wonderful tips about what to do in the moment to eliminate distractions, get into the mood and to bring back the desire for individuals and couples.

I was the fourth panel member, often providing an alternative view to what I heard the other panelists explain when answering participants' questions.  My background as a professor of health and physical education, my many years of teaching sports and dance and yoga, health and sexuality and stress management, enable me to understand the physiological, emotional and even spiritual component of relationships and sexuality.  I talked about the memories that are stored in our bodies, causing us to tighten certain body parts, such as the abdomen or pelvic area.  Sometimes the emotion involves embarrassment and shame.  Sometimes there is a fear of letting go because we have been hurt some time, maybe even very long ago, maybe even preverbal, before we were able to speak.

The audience, a group of 20 somethings, were fascinated by the depth of understanding and the really different perspectives presented by each of the panel members.  Our society does not have enough of these parlor type dicussions.  We have too much expectation of knowing how to be a great lover without ever having a way to learn about it and talk about it without joking and poking fun.

So when you try out some "new" technique with your partner, when you feel that amazing twinge of passion and love, just remember you are not the first and will not be the last to have this experience.  Enjoy it.  Feel the pleasure and joy of it.  Relax and let go of all expectations.  Pay attention to your own sensations.  Observe your partner and look into each other's eyes.  Breathe together.  Feel the pure joy of connection.  And feel the love that is there, at least for this moment in time.

And if you are alone, do not have a partner, do not have any current prospects, just remember that you too are not the first and will not be the last to feel this way.  Just love yourself.  Create Healing and Love Now.  Say loving words to yourself.  Think positive thoughts.  Trust that love is already here, just waiting for you to turn the next corner to connect.  Feel the joy of meeting this new person that is waiting to meet you.

Happy Valentine's Day.