3 Signs Your Relationship Is Headed For Doomsville


This is the wake up call that you need!

Let’s begin this conversation with a couple of facts. Most people don’t intend to hurt, you. Secondly, the majority of people who end up with their feelings smashed to smithereens did it to themselves. But, things don’t have to end up that way if you’d simply use your head. “It’s not rocket science to understand that it’s a hell of a lot easier to see things in hindsight as opposed to foresight.” But, life isn’t meant to be lived that way. That statement is far more than a cliché, it’s a loathsome fact, especially when it comes to avoiding needless heart break. Ninety Nine percent of our heart breaks are self inflicted and could have easily been avoided by doing one simple thing – Be present in the moment!

All of the anger, and all of the frustration, including, but not limited to the disappointments and calamity, you’ve experienced in you love life  are nobody’s fault but your own. Those things are the result of you hearing what you wanted to hear, seeing what you wanted to see, and while getting caught up in your “feelings.” You could have easily avoided all of that had you engaged in purposeful, transparent, heartfelt interactions with people as opposed rushing head long into those feel good flash in the pan romances. Being present in the moment is far more than a new thought ideology, it’s an emotional survival strategy. It is nothing more being proactive while practicing cognizant conscientious psychological maneuvering.

I’m not advocating that in every potential romantic relationship you take on an all-consuming ride or die attitude, nor am I suggesting you walk on egg shells. There is a middle. That middle is called – Coherence. You can avoid the crash and burn provided you pay attention to the signs that you’re headed toward a broken heart. There are signs may be in the wrong relationship.

By now, more than likely your thinking, “Dr. Young, what are those signs?”  I’m glad you ask. Here are a few examples of things you should NOT ignore:

  1. Your values are not in sync – A example of this is – you are religious and the other person is spiritual. Though this seems like it’s no big deal, however over time this possesses the potential to become a consequential issue. Your belief in, and need for, religious structure is more than likely deep rooted. Whereas the lack thereof in your mates belief system will inevitably become a source of conflict. As they are naturally accepting of all religions and don’t need titles, you do. You could easily end up living in hell on earth, as opposed to going to hell in the afterlife. Being totally honest about your beliefs up front could have easily prevented you from this easily avoidable situation.
  2. You like sensuality, they like sex – Believe it or not, though closely related, sex and sensuality are two very different things. At first you may, or may not, notice the difference, but give it a moment. Your need to be cuddled, you need true intimacy. Moreover, your need to hold hands and do PDAs is far different than your partners need to just get off when the urge hits. During the honeymoon period sensuality and sex “appear” to be in sync. But before long those lines get blurred. Over time, after the honeymoon is over, after the infatuation wears off, the vail is lifted, and the truth is revealed. Now, he just wants a blow job and a release, and you want hot steamy romance. “Houston, we have a problem.” Had you simple been honest about your real feelings and attitudes about sex you could have avoided this. FYI – Sex and Sensuality are needed if you’re to have a lasting fulfilling love life.
  3. You’re emotional, Your mate is logical – This is a far bigger than your Myers Briggs Type. If you’re over twenty five years old, more than likely you know if you’re predisposed to looking at things logically, or if you commonly see things through your emotions. Emotional people and logical people can get along, but it takes awareness and effort to do so. Moreover, how you handle your perceptive preference will either make or break your relationship. Emotional personality types tend to be very expressive, which, to logical personality types, comes across as being over emotional . Logical personality types are rooted in cause and effect, results oriented thinking. Often feeling personality types perceive this as being uncaring and detached. In either case, it’s very easy to misinterpret the actions and attitude of the other. Over time, such miscommunication will wreck even the best relationship.

How do you handle pressure – It’s not uncommon for people to get so overly caught up in a stress-filled pressurized moment that they fail to see how their are being perceived by a significant other. No matter how you react to pressure, whether you maintain a stoic matter of fact demeanor, or your have momentary distressed hysteria, either may end up costing you your relationship. How you manage, or even mismanage, pressure can make or break your relationship. Most people are either rescuers or victims. Seldom is there a middle. Nonetheless, in relationships this is the straw which will sooner than later break the Camels back. Especially if you continue to do, or tolerate, the same thing. Men may pretend to be the guy in the white hat, but the truth is over time they’d rather wear a cap. The damsel in distress may get his attention, even validate his ego, but over time it will cause him to get fed up and leave. Likewise women love a vulnerable sensitive man, but the majority of women are looking for a man who can handle pressure and solve problem, not a little boy that needs a surrogate mom. Put mildly, what you do when the chips are down, and how you handle pressure, will either make or break your relationship.

Never ignore signs you’re in the wrong relationship. Be wise as a serpent and harmless as dove. Stop pretending to be someone that you are not. Be true to yourself. Prior to dating anyone get to know yourself.  Know your must haves and can’t stands. Take a long and hard look at who you really are – then either accept yourself for who you really are, or make the necessary changes to better yourself. Lastly, ask yourself this question, if I had to deal with his/her attitude about ____________, over a period of months or even years would it be a deal maker. It the answers is yes, cut your loses early. Stop being so desperate for love that you’ll compromise yourself to get it. Lying to others is shameful enough, but when you lie to yourself, now that’s just a damn shame. Life is too short and death is to long to ignore signs you’re in the wrong relationship. “As long as you remain in a dysfunctional relationship you’re making four people miserable – You, the person your with, and the two people God had originally intended you to meet. Selah.

This article was originally published at DrDIvanYoung.Org. Reprinted with permission from the author.