Barbie and Ken's Flawed Paradise


Men are hardwired / Women's software is downloaded

Barbie jumped from the scale, 0% body fat, 5’10” and 110 lbs. “Perfect,” the research and development team at Perfect People Toys.com said. “She is the perfect genetic gene pool. Now introduce her to Ken.”

“After all,” the engineer offered, “A man always needs physical chemistry to connect initially or he won’t be attracted.”

Weeks flew by; Ken adored her smile, sun kissed hair that never dulled, her full breasts, long, gorgeous legs. “You’re perfect,” Ken sang over emails, texts, and endless heated conversations.

The sultry summer months sailed by, swimming, boating, Starbucks. Ken delighted in Barbie’s artistic spontaneity; she could go from Boardroom Barbie one day to Malibu Barbie in the passionate pink polka dot bikini the next. He found her unpredictable; it made for such freedom of expression. To his delight she made herself available to him all hours of the day. The heated passion swelled into September with fine candlelit dinners, intimate drives along Sunset Beach in the pink convertible Porsche, and tantalizing tango lessons.

Summer drew to an unwelcome close and sadly for Barbie the chill of autumn drifted in with the chill of Ken. He stopped calling and sleeping over at the pink Dreamhouse, frequently spending more time with G.I .Joe. Confused and against her better judgment and that of her girlfriends, she called, texted, emailed, and drove by his surf shop several times. She witnessed many scantily clad beach bunnies oiling themselves, anxiously awaiting a surfing lesson while Ken waxed the boards and G.I. Joe waxed his Jeep.

A desperate phone call granted her a much needed visit to the toy programmer, demanding answers. He assured her Ken’s operating chip was wired completely differently than Barbie’s. The best advice he could offer was to let Ken alone so he would have a chance to miss her and replenish his supply of man-chemical that depleted from emotional overload. Apparently this man-chemical along with blatant disregard for cleanliness, inability to listen for long periods, frequent little boy temper tantrums, and an insatiable sex drive were unexpected male-functions.

“That’s okay,” Barbie said, “All that will change when he moves into the Dreamhouse.”

Barbie retreated, and to her satisfaction the programmer was right, Ken returned weeks later showering her with affection, a sparkling engagement ring, a spring wedding, and a Hawaiian honeymoon.

As time rolled by Ken found Barbie’s constant fashion and career changes unstable. Over coffee each morning, she pleaded with him to get a new job and much to his distress, repeatedly referred to the surf shop as a hobby.

“You have enough career changes for the both of us,” he mocked.

The following year, without his knowledge, Barbie arranged with the toy company for the development of Businessman Ken. That would make her girlfriends jealous and earn him more money.

Over dinner one night, Ken resisted the idea. “Barbie, I am not giving up the surf shop,” he shouted and stormed out.

The following day, after playing flight attendant in the Barbie airplane, she met Dr. Gray, the technical engineer and designer of Ken’s intellectual chip, for cocktails. “I don’t get it,” she said, “I came up with the suit and new career. I’m trying to help him make more money and he hates me now. He won’t even talk to me nor have sex with me.”

Dr. Gray rubbed his forehead. “He’s not wired for change.” He left and returned moments later with Dr. Fisher, Barbie’s female programmer.

“Barbie,” Dr. Fisher said, “We downloaded your software with a maternal skill set. You’re programmed to inspire your children to become successful competent adults. The program must be confused. You’re directing this skill set at your husband.”

Dr. Gray interjected, “And Barbie……You may want to let Ken lead, drive the car, pay when you go out to dinner, let him know you need him; that’ll translate beautifully in the pink bedroom.”

“Wait a minute,” Dr. Fisher said, “She’s contemporary Barbie; this development has been years in the making. She is in charge, highly educated, a successful businesswoman, she can lead, she’s empowered.”

“Yes, be that as it may Dr. Fisher, but Ken’s hardware will shut down sexually when this happens. His manly-hood will shrivel like a frightened turtle if Barbie takes too much of a lead. I’m sorry; she will get the best performance out of him if and only if she lets him take the lead in this relationship.”

Barbie anxiously returned home that night with clear intentions of letting Ken lead, more conscious of the maternal software. Only, Ken failed to put the toilet seat down, paint a room, do his dirty dishes, exercise flatulence control, or validate her frustration when his mother showed up unannounced. She stormed around the Dreamhouse lecturing about responsibility and sensitivity. Ken retaliated the next morning with a visit to Dr. Gray.

“All she does is complain and nag, brings up my past mistakes, says I don’t listen. I’m thinking of leaving the Dreamhouse. She makes me drive a pink car, sleep in a pink house, wants me to do housework, she’s trying to turn me into Skipper.”

“Ken, I wired you with challenging survival skills that are programmed to ignore the small nuances like domestic duties. You’re made to provide and protect. This unique, albeit frustrating skill set equipped you with challenging survival skills through the Dark Ages, during the development of the western frontier, and in times of war. You were wired for the future; if you got caught up in too many emotional details of the past it would have meant your life.”

Ken nodded. “Makes sense to me.”

“This would explain why you have low tolerance for Barbie’s total recall of the past. Her heftier storage bank is part of a maternal set for child rearing.

Dr. Fisher emerged from the Love Lab, manual in hand. “Ken, I think I found the problem. Dr. Gray over there forgot to hardwire you with empathy and validation. Let’s get you into the Lab and download some software.”

Moments later, a frustrated Ken emerged confused, but he’d try this validation thing out.

“How’s the romance going?” Dr. Gray asked with a sly grin. “Dr. Fisher’s new spring lingerie line is due out for Barbie, should heat up the sheets quite nicely.”

“Not without that validation and empathy,” Dr. Fisher chimed, “That’s Barbie’s key component to romance. I ought to know, I programmed her software.”

“Oh please,” Dr. Gray countered. “If she keeps mothering him with that authoritative tone, all the lingerie in the world won’t keep them between those pink satin sheets.” He thrust his chest out and smugly declared, “I’ve wired his penis so it’s directly linked to his ego.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“I just hope they connect soon. I just designed Ken Jr. He’s due out in nine months.”

Copyright © 2011 by Denise Wade, Ph.D. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Denise Wade, Ph.D. is excited about helping committed couples reignite passion through awareness of each other’s sexual and emotional needs. Denise provides gender education coaching, a comfortable alternative to marriage counseling. http://denisewade.relationshipcoach.org/ 1.610.639.6627.