How To Fix The Disappointments In Your Relationships In 3 Steps

How to Stop the Disappointment

Get past disappointment in any relationship with these 3 simple steps!

I was disappointed by something that happened last week; I spent most of a day ruminating about it before I came to my senses and figured out a perspective that put me back on track. Here I am a grown woman with professional experience and I’m having a bad day. Pitiful! Well, I guess we all have our moments.

Over the years I’ve spent many sleepless nights anxiously doing mental reruns on the latest love twist, the friendship gone astray, or a work drama. I know I’m not alone. This may be something we all do.

Without going into the details, I will say that I had an expectation that wasn’t met. When people you care about, love, and count on disappoint you, it has an impact. The tendency is to wonder what it means. Before you assume the worst and charge off in the wrong direction, slow it down. There are many ways to interpret things.  I considered a lot of them before coming up with this.

3 Simple, Positive Ways to Restore Peace in a Relationship:

1. Look at Yourself First –

When you take responsibility for any part of a problem there is immediate relief. Why? Because it means you can be part of the solution and resolution. Ahh, doesn’t that feel better? So start by asking yourself a series of questions:

  • Did you communicate your expectation clearly, was it understood, and was it communicated in a timely fashion for a response?
  • Was it realistic and possible?
  • Was it as important to them as it was to you? 

If the answer is NO to any of these, consider that the problem may be one of communication or an unreasonable expectation. It happens. It’s a lot easier to own that explanation than to assume that the other person is intentionally doing you wrong.

2. Look at Their Perspective -

Understanding what the other person is going through can save you a lot of angst. We all are the center of our own universe. That means that the other person has theirs too. When you consider the other person’s perspective, it can radically shift your viewpoint. Here some things to take into account:

  • Are there things they are dealing with that account for a need to be more focused on them than you?
  • Did they give you an explanation and did it seem reasonable? Consider accepting it.
  • Is there a pattern to this behavior? This means it’s their problem, not yours. That’s important – pay attention.

If the answer is YES to any of these questions, than they may have a plausible explanation for their behavior. And it may also be true that they are not really there for you, at least right now. Sit with this truth. It may give you some relief to consider that their situation actually takes precedent.  Try it on. Take the high road. Being compassionate and understanding can bring you closer.

On the other hand, if it's a pattern that their life and issues always take precedence, it may be time to take another look at the relationship. Ask yourself if you really want to be part of it. Keep turning the lens on your perspective until you find one that makes sense to you. Find the one that gives you some peace. It may actually mean accepting something you don’t like.

3. Consider What You Say or Do Before You Do It

Give this some thought. The smart (ass), aggressive retort (like you see on TV) is not what you want– is it? That will only create more drama. What does the situation seem to be calling for to reach resolution? If saying something seems to be the right thing to do, than consider these guidelines.

  • Speak in first person – this is about your feelings, not theirs. Make no accusatory “you should have” comments.
  • If you recognize your role in the problem you can state your disappointment and ask for clarification.“I was sorry about xyz, maybe I didn’t communicate clearly, what’s your perspective?"
  • If their issues seem to be the source of the problem you can say something like : “I know this is a busy time for you, I’d still like for xyz to happen, should we try for another time?"
  • If this situation speaks to a pattern of behavior that consistently leaves you on the short end of the relationship, maybe it's time to reevaluate it. Is it good for you; does it meet your needs? Dealing with constant difficulty and disappointment in a relationship may mean it’s time to move on.

There is no right or wrong here. Ask yourself these questions and then give yourself time to absorb the truth. I received exactly the answers I needed by this process. The problem resolved itself easily.  

If the other person cares, you will hear responses that will quickly settle your disappointment. If the responses aren’t satisfactory and there is little interest in responding to your concerns, then you have another answer. It may mean the terms of the relationship have changed in ways that are no longer in your best interests.

Give yourself time to accept and integrate the truth before taking action. Facing reality is easier than fighting it.  Going through this process will help you get back your power. No matter the answer, you can take steps to put yourself back on track.

This kind of exploration is work I love. If you are in a situation that creates disappointment and you’d like to understand it more thoroughly before taking action, I’d enjoy helping you. My coaching, training and consultation services can illuminate your situation and help you reclaim what’s right for you. I can be reached here through the message board or on my Facebook page, Spectrum Transformation Services, LLC.