How To Have A Great First Date (& A Second & Third)


Create positive first dates by understanding both the man's and the woman's perspective.

Here's another interesting thing I've learned from men. They feel mentally exhausted after those first dates where women ask so many questions. Additionally, the man is disappointed because he didn't learn much about her (because she was asking questions and he was answering them). And now he doesn't know if he wants to go out with her on a second date, because he hasn't learned enough to know what he thinks and feels about her.

Looking at a first date from her point of view. The two complaints I hear most often from women about first dates are: (1) he did all the talking and (2) he didn't ask her anything about herself. When this happens, many women feel obligated to keep asking questions and carrying the entire conversation. Frequently, they don't feel the man is very interested in them because he isn't asking questions about them. (I'm sure you're seeing the common thread.)

Okay men, here's a super power for you. When a man asks questions and shows genuine interest in what a woman has to say, a woman feels cared about and will be more inclined to go on a second date. This is because:

  • Women generally talk to feel connected with the people in their life. So, keeping the conversation going can be easier for them.
  • When women converse with each other, they typically take turns.
  • When a woman wants to show interest in another person, her inclination is to talk because to her this conveys genuine caring and respect for the other person.
  • Some women find silences uncomfortable, so they'll continue to fill in the spaces with questions and conversation. Ironically, while all this is happening, the woman is wishing her date would ask her something about herself.

Women with these beliefs and habits probably leave the first date feeling like they have acted interested in their date. However, because their date didn't reciprocate, the woman feels like the man isn't interested in them.

When I explain to a woman why her date was answering questions but not asking them, she's usually relieved because it tells her he really did care about what she thought.

The solution. Here are two techniques to try:

  • Women: When you ask a man a question wait until the end of his answer and then tell him a story of your own that relates to the topic. Most men are relieved to stop talking and happy to listen to what you have to say because this is how they get to know you better.
  • Men: When a woman asks you a question, answer it and then ask her the same question. Just the fact she chose this question probably means it's an important point to her and she'll be happy to tell you her point of view.

Using just these two techniques (and there are so many more) will help create great back-and-forth discussions where you'll each be sharing information and learning about each other. The result? Definitely more fun and interesting dates.