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It's the most puzzling mystery of them all, the first time, the 20th? Worry not — we've got answers!
By Clay Andrews — Last updated on Sep 13, 2022
Connecting with a guy can be one of the greatest feelings in the world — that feeling when the two of you are so close that hours slip by, and one topic of conversation flows into the next. You swear you can feel the swirl of chemistry building, that spark igniting, and you both lock eyes for just a beat longer, into I-really-like-you territory.
But what can be truly devastating is when a man pulls away, gets distant, and loses interest — whether that happens over time or seemingly overnight, leaving you in tears and, more likely, scratching your head.
As a relationship coach, I speak to many men (and women) who fall victim to common behaviors that cause the demise of their relationships.
Often, if you are aware of what causes a man to lose interest, you may be able to repair your relationship before it's too late.
Here are three main reasons why men lose interest in a relationship and how to get it back — from a relationship coach who knows.
1. He doesn’t think he can please you.
Oftentimes, a man loses interest when the woman he loves complains too much, especially about him.
Many women complain as an attempt to communicate or connect. Sometimes they complain to gain a sense of control (often because they feel out of control in another area of their lives).
However, to a man, this sort of complaining comes across as his own personal failure to please you or to make you happy. And if nothing he does is good enough for you, then why keep trying?
Men lose interest when they feel defeated and trapped in a no-win situation.
What to do about it: The way to fix this is to switch from complaining to focusing instead on what you want.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with speaking your truth and voicing your concerns. However, some women do it in a way that is focused on the problem, rather than on what they actually want instead.
This is the difference between a cold and off-putting, “Don’t touch me that way!” and a warm and inviting, “I just want you to hold me close so that I can feel your warmth.”
It’s essentially the difference between telling a man that you don’t want him around at all and kindly asking him to share an intimate evening connecting with you.
2. He doesn’t feel safe being himself around you.
A man may lose interest because he doesn’t feel safe being vulnerable around you.
This is often caused by high expectations, judgmental behavior, or feeling forced to act a certain way that betrays who he naturally is.
When you take this stance with a man, interacting with you will feel as inviting as sticking your nose into a wasp's nest. Probably not something many, aside from the genuinely masochistic, would readily volunteer to do.
What to do about it: The solution here is radical acceptance.
When you are not emotionally accepting of him as who he truly is, and instead want him to be someone or something he isn’t (or he believes you desire this from him based on your behavior), he will pull away out of fear of being judged or letting you down.
Emotional acceptance is about validating him to be whoever he is, however he is (as long as we aren't heading into abusive or malevolent territory in any way).
This, of course, doesn’t mean that you must resign to becoming a doormat. You can desire things in life, but until you give him your official verbal and non-verbal “yes” to who is actually in front of you in the moment, his behavior will come from a place of resistance and a “no” to reality.
3. He has other things going on in his life.
Another reason that men lose interest is that they have other priorities in their lives that need to be taken care of. Things come up all the time. You can likely sympathize with this dilemma from any number of examples from your own life in the last few weeks or months.
Deadlines at work, family drama, and tax returns often fall into this category. The way men work is that their attention goes toward what is the “highest priority” thing in their lives. And for better or worse, you will not always be at the top of that list.
When he is going through a difficult time, his focus will naturally go toward the most pressing thing he has to deal with.
Sometimes, things just come up — nothing more, nothing less.
What to do about it: When this happens, you don’t want to try to compete for his attention.
That’s just going to make him feel as if he needs to choose between taking care of his sick parent (as an example) and you. And let me tell you, even if you “win,” he’ll still resent you in the long run for putting him in that situation.
Instead, the best approach in these situations is simply being supportive rather than competing for his attention.
Supporting him through difficult times will show him you are on his side. Plus, when he gets things under control again, he’ll remember who had his back and will be much more likely to deepen his commitment and relationship with you.
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Clay Andrews is a relationship coach and founder of Attract the One. He specializes in helping people repair, save and build relationships.