How's It Going To Be - You Can't Have It Both Ways

Fighting Couple

In the age where women are just as powerful as men where do we draw the line of men using women and women using men? Is it still taboo to say that if a man is living off of a woman than he is less of a man? Or are we past that stage because of the current generation?

The current generation has shown that women can be just as successful or even more so than a man. Since that's the case do we throw out our previous beliefs that our parents and grandparents has instilled in us? I was brought up to know that a man was the provider and that the woman was to stay at home and watch the children and take care of the home. Or maybe I wasn't taught that, but I was shown that. My mother stayed home with my sister and I. She kept the house clean and cooked for all of us while my Dad was at work. So, because I was brought up this way; do I believe this is the norm? Hell no, I don't! Especially, nowadays!

I saw what my Mom did for us and I am thankful she was able to stay home with my sister and I. She brought us up and taught us things that she was not taught, because her Mom had to go to work. My Mom was brought up in a very different setting. My Mom and her sister were at babysitters most of their lives growing up. When my Mom had kids she refused to have her children grow up with babysitters. We always want something different for our children when we have them. We always think to ourselves "I will do this differently with my children."

Since the generations have changed and now more and more women are in the workplace and they are happily pursuing their careers instead of settling down and getting married and having children. I was taught a man should open up the door for me and should pay the bill at a restaurant, but as I continue on in my dating life I have found that it is no longer "normal" for those things to happen. I rarely have a door held open for me or have a guy grab the bill to pay for the meal. So why has that changed? Even though I am comfortable in my life and provide for myself why do men think it is ok to NOT hold open my door or to grab the check every once and a while? I am not saying the man has to pay every time we go out. I would even go as far as to say I would prefer we go dutch PERIOD! But more often than not when I have been asked out on a date the man does not pay I DO! So why is that? Why is it okay for a man to mooch off of a woman?

I am a little confused where the boundaries have changed? Maybe it's the men that I am picking, but the last boyfriend told me he was used to paying for everything, but yet I ended up paying for all of our meals and tickets to the movies. I even took him on a mini vacation to Gatlinburg which I paid for the gas, cabin, food, and anything else we chose to do on that trip. He never paid for a tank of gas or for a meal... nothing, nada, zilch. Even now if I am invited on a date I am not invited to a restaurant or to a bar to have a drink I am invited to their house to watch a show or a movie. Which inevitably leads to us fooling around on their couch and us not talking about anything since there is no setting or should I say mood to make us of think of anything else besides making out on the couch.

Is it a moot issue who pays? Is it automatically considered that the woman pays? Should I open the door for the man now too? I mean come on now! What has happened to chivalry? What has happened to romance? And basic manners? I remember being out with a group of my friends at a restaurant and my boyfriend at the time was with us. I had gotten us two drinks so the tab was a whopping $15.00 and I grabbed the tab and he whispered to me, "Can you give me a twenty so it looks like I paid?" I mean seriously? I obliged but the whole time I am thinking why can't you REALLY pay? I mean what is $15.00 in the grand scheme of things? And why does it matter what my friends think? If they saw him pay or me pay they wouldn't of thought anything of it. They would have assumed I had paid for the movie so he was paying for the drinks or something to that effect. But because of his insecurity I gave in. What I really should have done is say no I am paying because that is in fact what I am doing!

Ladies, what do we think of this? Do we think it is ok for a man to mooch off of us because we are financially more stable than them? In my opinion it should always be 50/50 no matter if it is a boyfriend, a person you JUST started dating, or a friend. I do not think we should be paying for everything and I don't think he should be paying for everything. So if we go out to dinner and I pay the next time we go out I am fully expecting the guy to pay this time. It should always be 50/50. I have seen so many people become resentful of other people because of the fact that they are paying for everything! So my question to the freeloaders and moochers if you weren't going to spend that money alone on yourself why would you make someone else do it? If you weren't with that person and you were alone; you would be going to the dollar menu! You would not be going to an expensive restaurant! So to make a girl go to an expensive restaurant because you know THEY will pay is just shady! I became very resentful of my ex because here I was going to expensive restaurants I normally wouldn't go to and paying for him and I when in fact I should only be paying for me and I shouldn't even be at that restaurant because I wouldn't go there if it weren't for the person who I was with making me go!

So the next time you are deciding with your partner where you are going out to eat consider these things first! Who is going to pay! If it is your turn think how much that person had spent on you the last time they had paid and do something similar! (it is not fair that she took you to a $100.00 a plate restaurant and you are taking her to Burger King!)

If you were with friends or even alone would you go to this place spending your OWN money? That is a big issue I had with my ex if it hadn't been for ME he wouldn't have been able to go to those expensive restaurants so because of ME he ate very well and was able to keep up the facade of him living a comfortable life. Talk to your partner about their and your expectations! If you think you should go dutch ALL the time then TELL THEM!

They can't read your mind! And no one wants to go through the uncomfortable speech of the fact that you aren't or are financially more stable than the other! If you do these things than I promise there will be no misunderstandings on either parts! But know this... you CAN NOT have it both ways! You can not use someone for what they have and not expect them to be looking at you for the same things they have done for you! So if you don't have that amount to give then DON'T expect them to do it too! It is not fair! And double standards are immature and misleading!

Christy Goldstein, a dating coach and a dating expert, can help you with all of your dating needs. Christy's blunt personality helps you move quicker through the dating scene. She can help you with your dating profile, your dating checklists, red flags and more! Contact her at christygoldsteinthesexpert@gmail.com

This article was originally published at Luv and Relationships. Reprinted with permission from the author.