How To Know What A Man Is Really Thinking

Men don't make sense, so here's what you can do.

By Christian Carter
Last updated on May 24, 2011

Photo: cottonbro studio | Pexels

Have you ever been with a guy and he seemed to have it all together? He was caring, loving, generous, present, and aware and you had such an amazing time together. But then some of his issues popped up out of nowhere. Maybe his issues were some of the dreaded and common ones we predictable and difficult men go through like these: He started getting restless and he talked about how he wasn't ready to settle down. He didn't see things getting as serious as you did. The connection started fading. He didn't try to connect to you much anymore and share his intimate feelings. You weren't a priority. He wanted to spend his time with his friends or other people and didn't value the time you spent together like you did. He started flirting, talking to or even getting together with other women even if he wasn't technically "cheating."

Recognize any of these? What's going on here? Here's where your "magic" comes in. The magic I'm talking about here isn't that far-out stuff about conjuring up spells or changing into an animal. Let's leave that kind of magic to Harry Potter and your imagination. The magic I'm talking about is different and exists in the real world, but it's just as amazing. And it centers around an important idea: You instinctively know more about what's going on in the world around you than you or your conscious mind fully recognizes.

Using your intuition might be the best and in some situations the only, way that you'll be able to see through all the external "behavior stuff" going on with a man and get to the truth of what's happening inside his mind and what his behavior is when you're not around. Like when a man plays hard to get, or he doesn't call you much or initiate, or when a man gets close and then withdraws from you right after. Why do men do this? For each one of these, I've got some interesting insights and theories that can help. But from my perspective, there are some extremely important concepts that you need to understand before you can really "get" where a man is coming from or understand what his behaviors and issues are all about.

Here are some of the most important concepts you'll need to keep in mind as you move toward listening to and using your intuition with men:

1. Men don't make sense

All those frustrating things that men do that don't make any sense to you as a woman will never make sense. Stop trying to make sense of them for yourself. Trying to make sense of a man on your terms is entirely counterproductive and gets little or no results other than you becoming increasingly frustrated. There's a better way.

2. You can't figure everything out

Have you ever really hit it off with a guy but after a few weeks or months, even though things seemed great, the man pulled away and started acting distant and cold? Most men, at one time or another, do things like this that are ridiculous and impossible to figure out. So expect to not understand everything a man does. If you can become more comfortable with the idea of not knowing everything about why a man does what he does, then you'll feel a strange sense of calm relaxation — along with an increase in your self-confidence.

I'm not saying that it's okay for a man to do whatever and that you should accept any negative and withdrawing behaviors without bringing them up and confronting them. You absolutely should take notice and make mention of these things when you see them. But the more relaxed and positive you can think and feel around these things, no matter what the man is doing, the sooner you'll stop fighting everything in your mind and start creating better situations for yourself.

It's frustrating and counterintuitive, but accepting what's going on and moving forward from that reality in a positive way changes the whole frame of the situation. But some women get stuck in the "I need to understand why he does this and then I'll figure out what to do, think, and feel" mindset. This rarely leads to clear thinking and positive action. Remember, men don't make any sense. So don't depend on their actions making sense for you to develop your own opinions, judgments, and next steps. Pay attention to your gut, what you want in your life, and what you know is right instead of rationalizing and finding a way for it to all fit together and be okay.

3. Ask yourself questions, be patient and your intuition will talk

Your intuition talks to you through feelings, images, and bodily sensations such as "gut feelings." Learn to pay attention to what these are trying to tell you and what's going on when they pop up in your mind. Maybe you're being more open and relaxed when those intuitive gut feelings come to you — so try to get back to that place more often. This way you'll end up being able to tap into your intuition more often when you need it.

If you don't think you have a strong intuitive sense, simply try asking yourself more questions and keep them mulling around in your mind. When you've got something in the back of your mind, something amazing happens without you even trying. Your brain takes notice and uses all your senses to find any sign or trace of information that relates to your questions as you go about your day. It's kind of like a search running in the background on your computer — even though you're doing something else it doesn't stop looking. After you've asked your questions, your mind will start sending you ideas, feelings, and images without you even thinking about them. But sometimes this takes more time than you'd like. Finally, your intuitive voice will eventually just pop up and start to give you hints and information without you even asking for it. And then it's up to you to pay attention, acknowledge it, and make good use of it.

4. Think positive and don't fill your mind with fear and doubt

Some women end up worrying almost obsessively that something is wrong or going badly with a guy they're interested in or dating once they see some negative sign or pattern. And once this happens, they want to know what's going on so intently that they start letting their negative and obsessive thoughts take over. If you want to be able to use your intuition, you need to start interrupting that voice in your head that's the "fear-monger." You know the one — that voice that's always worrying just to try and keep you safe and protected. The thing is, you can't find the truth in a situation if your mind is buried in your fears and doubts. Just like how overly arrogant people can be misled by their false sense of belief in themselves. Keep a balanced and objective mindset.

5. Start with smaller, less important questions for your intuition to answer

If you're new to using your intuition or you're concerned with if or how to act on it, start with smaller things that might be less important — like whether or not you should go away for the weekend or if your friend will like the gift you've been thinking about for them. That way, you can practice and learn to use your intuition without doing it in high-risk or high-pressure situations. This will help you develop your abilities and become more comfortable trusting what you find with your intuition.

6. Act on your intuition with the "long-term" in mind

Years ago I had a huge learning experience when it came to using and listening to my intuition in the right way. My managers at work were talking about me and scrutinizing my work more closely than they had before. Feeling and sensing the scrutiny, I immediately felt worried about my job and wondered if they were thinking about letting me go. My gut told me that something bad was coming.

I decided to push myself even harder at work to try and show them how valuable I was in hopes that I would keep my job. But that uncomfortable and nervous feeling in my stomach that came with my intuition about their scrutiny of my work stayed with me for the next several weeks. A few weeks later I was called into a meeting with the managers who had been watching me closely. I immediately started defending my job and showing my insecurities. They quickly stopped me and let me know that they had been watching my performance because they wanted to put me in charge of a new division. They wanted to be confident in their decision so they paid extra attention to my work to be sure — and now they were. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and my mood completely changed. End of story.

Thinking back, my intuition had alerted me so that I'd be aware of what was going on. But the mistake I made was taking that information and using it to justify my fears and insecurities. If I had taken the information, been patient with it, and applied it towards my goals in a positive context, then the entire experience knowing that the managers were watching my work would have been fun. But I didn't use my intuition to see my way to something better, I simply used it as a means to worry and stress myself out. So all this talk about intuition. How does it apply to the men in your life, dating, and relationships? Well, take a man with some of those common negative behaviors we were talking about earlier: fear of intimacy, inability to commit, flirting, and cheating.