The Sexy Side of Boring


Becoming co-leaders of your relationship may not sound sexy, but it can set the stage for great sex

I usually go for seltzer water or fermented grapes, but sometimes you get the kind of news that is better swallowed with real spirits. This is the space I found myself in one recent Saturday eve, when I met a friend who has been chewing on some bad news of his own for a long time, at a bar that specializes in old fashioned mixed drinks.

As we parsed through the Bad News updates, and the liquor smoothed away some of the serious edges, we joked that it might be best to simply end it all. It was determined that death by drowning in my hot tub would be a most sensational way to go.

And then, with a tone of genuine support, he asked, "What ARE you going to do moving forward?"

I told him about the book I’m writing, helping relationships thrive by teaching leadership skills that will get couples out of their drama and on the same team.

"I’m bored already,” he said without a beat.  My stomach sank. I reminded myself that he’s in marketing, and a good enough friend to be honest about his reaction.

"Give me a minute!" I retorted, and walked him through some of the ideas and principles I offer in the Lovers and Leaders model of relationship I am creating. He perked up (what a relief). We got into some interesting conversations about men, women and past mishaps in his relationships that the skills I recommend might have averted.

But after I left, I thought about all those relationship books on the shelves of Barnes and Noble and wondered, "What if it people do think it's boring?  How will it stand out?"

But then I had a mini-revelation, "What if it is a little boring, and what if that’s not bad?"

Most of us want a fabulous love. A fairy tale, ecstatic, thriving relationship. And perhaps, in our desire to experience it, we don't take the time to deal with some very basic and useful steps that could help us really have more of what we want. We avoid laying the groundwork and doing the maintenance which could help us sustain the passion — tasks which some may consider to be, well, boring if not anti-romantic, or at the very least, sort of a buzz kill.

As excited as you are about a new business venture, you wouldn't start a small business partnership without a plan; without several meetings to establish what your vision for the business is, who is going to play what role and what your expectations are. And in today’s market, you better know what your real purpose in launching the business is.

And so it should be in love. In this day and age where we have so much choice about relationships, taking the time to create a vision for your relationship, cultivate an understanding of WHY you are together, and decipher what roles work and what roles don’t is paramount, even if it seems like the boring or less exciting part of love. But like the steady web of tree roots taking hold into solid ground, these are the activities and principles that allow us to grow, soar and bend together in the sometimes ecstatic and often destabilizing winds of love.

Sometimes, leadership isn’t the sexy part. But when applied in love, it can help you trust and relax. And that sure makes the sexy part even sexier.

The Lovers and Leaders Course is for singles and couples looking for a new paradigm of relationship that works. It begins on June 5. Click on the link for more information or contact me here.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.