How Often Should You Have Sex?

How Often Should You Have Sex?

A regular reader of my site asked me this very question recently. She and her husband of 9 years had recently gone into a Frisky Streak. They just could not get enough of each other. She wanted to know if that was normal and if other married couples went through the same thing.

I wanted to tell her to stop looking for problems where there aren’t any. There are many women who would kill for that sort of problem in their relationship, you know?

The vast majority of people who write to me complain about a different problem: low sex drive. They want to know if it’s normal to crave sex just once or twice a month, for instance.

My answer to that is this: it depends on what’s causing your drive to be low.

It’s NOT a problem if:

1. You’ve been this way your whole life and it doesn’t particularly bother you. Like my reader in the Frisky Streak, don’t go searching for problems that aren’t really there. If you and your spouse feel connected and satisfied with two or fewer sessions a month, there is no problem.

2. You are in the middle of a temporary stressor that is reducing your drive. For instance: These past few months, with my upcoming book release, I’ve been extremely focused on my career and extremely not focused on anything else. As a result, my sex drive is almost non-existent. That’s okay because this is a temporary problem. Come January, I fully plan to repeatedly jump my husband’s bones and make him a very happy man in the bedroom.

It IS a problem if:

1. One or both of you is bothered by the infrequency of sex.

2. You have a low drive because you don’t feel attracted to your spouse, and you don’t feel attracted to your spouse because of marital problems that you may be in denial about.

3. You are always stressed and sleep deprived. It’s a regular state of affairs for you, and it regularly interferes with your drive.

What to Do About It

Let’s say you have a problem. Your first step in fixing it is this: making sex a priority. You must both agree that more frequent sex is a major goal in your relationship. And then reach for this goal as diligently as you would reach for any life goal. Use this advice:

• Decide on a desired frequency and talk through how you will make it happen. What do you need to not have in your life so more sex can come into your life?
• Trouble-shoot any issues that are keeping you from getting aroused. Many women as they age, for instance, experience a drop in lubrication. You might find that pre-lubricating your vagina with coconut oil is all you need to get the lower region fires burning.
• Solve marital problems. You will have a hard time getting in the mood if you are angry about those dishes that he said he would wash but didn’t.
• Prioritize sleep and stress relief.
• Use your brain. It’s your biggest sex organ. About an hour before you want to have sex, start thinking about having sex.

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, which tells the real life story of how she went from the brink of divorce to falling back in love. It's available for pre-order on Visit her blog at