You’re Not Aggressive Enough

Love, Self

No one actually knows what to do more than you do which is a horrible realization because you don’t

               Has anything just fallen onto your lap that was meaningful long term? The answer is an undeniable no the vast majority of the time. When we think of those who were just given everything we see them as spoiled. Those who are given everything do have trouble finding meaning in their life because there isn’t anything to pursue. Meaning comes from the aggressive acts you partake in.

               We have to work aggressively so we can achieve anything. Once you have approached something you can learn and find out how to resolve an issue or gain value in your life. Having troubles in your relationships? You’re going to have to approach the person you’re having troubles with to find a constructive resolution. You want to successfully open your own business and make it profitable? There are an overwhelming number of situations you’ll have to approach then to make sure you are successful.

               Don’t let aggression be a violent word, regardless of what other people say. If you’re not aggressive you’re passive and the passive do nothing but degrade. So, get out of bed, wake up, and do things you know you need to do, even if you don’t want to do them. Can’t get out of bed? Great, let us start there.

               Being overprotected is another reason I have seen in my practice and in society for the lack of aggression. And it’s not just the forceful overprotection, but our willingness to be subjugated to a overprotective authority.

               If we are raised by overprotective parents we never gain the tools to be competent in the world. I woman had a long-term analysis with me that started because of newly developed severe anxiety that started after her divorce. Jamie would freeze up at work and started to stay away from any social event. She came in believing it was because she was ashamed that her relationship had failed.

               Throughout the analysis she spoke about her upbringing. She had an alcoholic mother and a protective father. She had horrible experiences of her and her father barricaded in a closet as her mother was trying to beat down the door and she enveloped in his arms. Her father was murdered by her mother when she was a Junior in college.

               “My dad made sure I was going to be ok. I was engaged to a man that was protective of me against my mother and would take care of me. But I don’t know how to live without my husband now. ”

               Jamie wasn’t raised overprotected because of neurosis, bad information or negligence, it was for her survival. Her mom was very capable of killing her as she eventually did her father.

               “I need to have some self-respect for myself. I’m so passive and let everyone do everything for me. I’ve never grown up and I was too afraid to question my husband about anything because I needed him to protect me. It looked as if I was being a dutiful wife, but I was being a child hugging onto his pants eternally.”

               Throughout the years of exploration Jamie started implementing aggressive acts in her life. She started pursuing a career she wanted to have and pursued pleasures that she wanted to feel. She entered her adolescence finally and started critically thinking and defining her place and meaning in life. She’s now an international skydiving instructor.

No one actually knows what to do more than you do which is a horrible realization because you don’t know what to do.

Adam Ayala is a Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist with a private practice in Orlando, Florida and Brookline, MA and is weekly featured on the online relationship magazine YourTango.com and on his blog AdamAyala.org.  Mr. Ayala can also be Contacted if you’re interested in working or collaborating with him


Ayala, A. (2018). Becoming an Ethical Monster

Sternbach, O. (1975) Aggression, the death drive and the problem of sadomasochism: a reinterpretation of Freud’s second drive theory. IJP 56:321-333.