Photo: unsplash / Bianca Berg
You may be alone, but you don't have to be lonely.
By Triffany Hammond — Written on Nov 29, 2019
Divorce is already difficult enough to go through without having to deal with the loneliness that often comes with life after divorce.
In order to know how to deal with loneliness and practice good post-divorce care so you can get back into the dating scene, you're going to have to figure out how to move on after divorce and embrace happiness!
There are many reasons some believe divorce is harder to get over than the death of a loved one.
In addition to the pain of loss (as in death), you'll realize your positive memories with your partner are tainted with new knowledge of your feelings and grievances, or have new wounds triggered by the stigmas of those around you.
You're never quite finished with legalities, especially if you have kids. About the time you feel ready to move on, you might even run into your ex ... possibly with a new girlfriend.
You did the hard work of dealing with loneliness before the divorce. You even managed to get through it while dealing with loneliness during a divorce.
So why, after all is said and done, do you pick your head up to face the bright, opportunity-filled future and instead turn tail, retreating into your dark enclave after a mere glance at daylight?
Loneliness, yet again, takes on a new hue in the post-divorce phase.
Yes, there's the stuff you suddenly have to do alone: Sleeping, chores, raising kids (if you have them), and more.
But more profoundly, there's a long-term effect of solitary living that can kind of sneak up on you. You've really dug deep to get through this. You've let some toxic people go and fostered true friendships, old and new.
Right about the time you feel like you're in the swing of things it dawns on you ... today's reality is that there's no one to share this momentum with.
You're no longer asking, "What does reinventing yourself mean?" because you so naturally began to do it ... But as far as your home life goes, you did it alone. No one is building these memories with you.
Or worse, you feel like you can't heal without a new partner in the first place. Maybe a little of both!
You'll have quite a lot of, "Just get back out there," advice and support. That's helpful to the degree that it puts your desire for others' company into action. But what if you're just not ready yet?
If you need some ways to build up to that, though, then these strategies for dealing with loneliness after divorce should be exactly what you need.
Here are 5 easy ways to deal with loneliness after a divorce:
1. Remember you have a support group
If you're newly single, your "head down, just get through habit," may have left your support system with the understanding that you're fine and will reach out when you need to.
Reach out before you need to. If you're already crying in the shower, make plans that allow you to process some of that angst with a trusted friend.
Just saying a lot of it out loud will remind the brain that you're not, in fact, alone and allow you to open up some bandwidth you didn't even know you had so you can heal.
2. Rediscover passion
It'd be great if that's a romantic passion, but if you're reading this, chances are good it's not.
You have within you something you've always wanted to do with your life. What was it?
Talk to your inner toddler, tween, or teenager and see what they most wanted to do. Catch bugs? Play with makeup? Grab some friends and float down a river? Go do those things!
You'll feel rejuvenated and playful again. You may even make some new friends.
3. Fulfill your promises
Think back to all of the things you wanted to do but couldn't because you were married.
Review all of your old New Year's resolutions, too.
You've got desires to expand that simply will not show up in your day to day rut. Especially since divorce sent you deep into survival mode for a while.
Get in touch with your inner self and ask her what she sees for her future — then start moving in that direction.
You'll become your own best friend and broaden your horizons (and social circle) as a result.
4. Embrace variety
Not to impugn your current friends, or even your goals for a new romantic partner if that's on your radar ... But you're reinventing your whole life and "same old, same old" isn't going to nudge you along. If anything, it will likely hold you back, albeit unintentionally.
Treat socializing like a scavenger hunt. Nerd. Poet. Doctor. Student. Non-romantic and romantic potential alike.
Make a mental list and while you're just having fun doing your thang ... keep an eye out for someone from that list. Engage with them. You already have the activity in common. Ask questions with interest.
You never know how new and different people will enrich this new chapter in your life.
5. Start sating "yes"
One of my most favorite things to stave off loneliness six years after my own divorce is to say yes to invitations before I even really know what I'm committing to.
I have met some fantastic friends, business connections and even some booty calls by just saying, "yes."
When you agree to invitations, you affirm to your consciousness that you do have friends, lovers, and colleagues. You also create a sense of possibility as well.
Nothing pulls you out of the doldrums like a sense of possibility.
Agree to your own wacky ideas as well! Now is the time to rediscover you. Embrace experiences.
6. Find new romantic partners
When you have the opportunity and the guy isn't a disease-riddled criminal ... don't be afraid to have some fun — safely, of course. At least sometimes.
You're looking for a partner and you're probably touch-deprived as well. Hooking up from time to time or having a friend with benefits is a great way to remind yourself that you've still got it. You need the skin to skin, too.
You'll also learn that men don't care about your perceived imperfections. They're skin hungry, too. A healthy sex life will boost your confidence and your overall health.
7. Reintroduce yourself to you
You have a chance to do things differently this time.
The "outside-in" approach, where you manhandle your life to fit what you think is meant for you didn't work. Experiment with an "inside out" approach.
Meditate, journal, get in touch with nature, redecorate a room, or write a song. Whatever it takes for you to access all your inner voices, do it.
There's an "inner critic" that needs your attention before it will shut up. Your "inner child" aches to play again. The "Inner Joy" that's excited about your future is a fantastic thinking partner and will change your perspective on life.
Tap into the adventurous side of you that aches to be free and you'll go beyond dealing with loneliness after divorce and delve right into reinventing yourself after divorce!
You don't have to employ these strategies in order or all at once.
Pick one that feels good to start with and go from there. Allow this whole "getting out there" business to be a process and not an end-goal. You will get there.
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Triffany Hammond is a certified life coach, international speaker, and author who helps high-powered women learn the tools of sustainable growth so they may enjoy success and happiness.
This article was originally published at Triffany Hammond, LLC. Reprinted with permission from the author.