7 Things I Desperately Want For My Ex, Even Though I Despise Him

Love, Heartbreak

Consider this my closing argument.

Almost exactly 3 years ago my husband abandoned our family. He was an abusive son of a b*tch that I myself should have left, but just like many other  abused women, due my complete and utter lack of self esteem, my financial dependence, the manipulative hold he had over me, and the lack of any support system, I stayed.

I wish I hadn’t. I wish that I had some big proud moment I could tell you about now, the one where I finally came to my senses and left him ... but I don’t.

Eventually when drugs took the best of him and raping me was no longer the same thrill that it had been, he said he was “going to the store” one day and simply never came back.

It’s been 3 years now, and although it's sometimes hard to stop the anger from getting the best of me, I’m healing. Slowly.

With that being said, here are a few things that I still want for him, even though I've vowed never to speak to him again. 

So ex, if you happen to read this, I would like you to know ...

1. You deserve better.

Ex, you deserve better. Not from me, oh hell no, but from you. You deserve to be a whole person, not the shattered shell you are who walks around damaging everyone around you, including yourself. I don’t know what or who made you the broken human being that you are but until you fix whatever innate flaw it is that you harbor, you're going to keep hurting everyone in your path.

2. You are worthy of love. (Yes, even after all this.)

Ex, you deserve to be loved — not by any humans and I’d probably go as far as to say not by any animals either, except maybe lice, but mostly you deserve to be loved by you. Maybe if you loved yourself you'd be able to understand what it feels like to have actual feelings and you wouldn’t walk around trampling everyone else’s. Normal people don't do that, you know. So yes, you deserve love (from yourself) because the world, and all its innocent people, could benefit from the thawing of your cold, dead, heart.

3. I hope you find what you're looking for.

When you and I were married, you were never looking for an equal partner, so I hope you're able to figure out how relationships are supposed to work before you try and break anyone else into what you believe their role should be. You spent years trying to force me into becoming someone you thought I should've been and not loving me for who I was. Looking back, I’m fairly certain the person you're "supposedly" looking for doesn’t actually actually exist and you're simply trying to fill some void in your ego (or your soul, if you have one) that no other person can — or should — ever do for you.

4. It's time for you to grow the eff up.

Something happens when you transition from being an adolescent to an adult; you gain a whole new sense of responsibility. Judging by your complete and utter lack of that accountability, I can tell you still haven’t transitioned from boy to man yet. (Trust me buddy, life on the "grown-up" side is so much better.) Waking up every day and feeling a sense of pride in what you bring to this world is an amazing feeling and one I hope you someday get to experience. But until then, do us a favor and hang out under a rock with all the other slithering things that are still waiting to hatch. There are enough children in this world and one of your age is unsettling.

4. You should be nicer to your mother.

You were always so cruel to her and I never understood why. Your outright disrespect toward her never made any sense to me, especially since she thought you were the greatest thing in the world. (Seriously: if you're looking for a woman to wait on you hand and foot, I'm sure she'd love to have you back.)

6. Please go to the doctor and get checked out.

I worry about you because there so many things you were completely unable to do for yourself when we lived together. You wouldn't go to the doctor even if when an infection almost consumed your face and it took two security guards to hold you down for an antibiotic shot. That was one of many moments that scared me. Personal hygiene and medical responsibility were never one of your strong suits and after you left, I found the email folder with your Cragislist hook-ups in it. (Nice.) Mostly, though, I worry for the unassuming women who are privy to your dirty d*ck.

7. It helps to have friends.

In our entire marriage, I never met a single friend of yours. People tried to be your friend but you were always so rude that they never stuck around. I really hope that by now you've become a bit more social because I fear if your temper and history of bad choices continues, you won't have anyone to bail you out of jail. (Wait ... on second thought, never mind! There's nothing wrong that ... carry on doing you!)

You destroyed me while you were here and you shattered me when you left but looking back … actually, f*ck looking back ... good riddance and good luck!