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Wanting to start over with an ex? Take these things in mind before you add each other to your bios.
By Isabell Tenorio — Written on Jul 21, 2020
Relationships can be fun and exciting, but breakups are the total opposite.
It's been what seems like forever since you and your ex have spoken and the idea of getting back together has crossed your mind more than normal.
Now, don’t get ahead of yourself just yet. There are some things you need to do before you can rekindle a relationship and start posting pics of your partner on social media and tag it #backtogetheranditfeelssogood.
Keep in mind this isn’t just your heart that is yearning for the flames of love to burst freely. Think about your ex and how they might feel about this, and don't overstep those boundaries.
How to rekindle a relationship if it ended on good terms
Ask yourself if this is what you want.
In theory, getting back with your ex might seem like a good idea. But is that really what you want or are you just craving intimacy with someone familiar?
Now, since things did end on good terms and you might also still be in contact with your ex, sometimes it’s just best to stay friends. Ask yourself these questions before finalizing your decision and see how you feel after answering them
- How will I feel when we get back together?
- Why did we break up in the first place and would that be an issue again?
- Am I ready to let them back into my heart?
- Did I give myself space from them?
- Am I holding onto the past?
- Have I changed? Have they changed?
- Were we good together or am I just thinking of only the good times?
Start the conversation with an open question.
After agreeing to meet up and getting through the awkward greetings, try asking them how they felt about the relationship. Nothing too intense, this isn’t an interrogation.
This is just a way to see how they feel and if both of you are on the same page. If they seem to feel the same and want to get back, then open the idea of when it should be best to get together.
Make sure to keep the conversation light and friendly. Remember to give them space to talk and try not to force them into agreeing with you, both people need to be on the same terms without force from the other.
Acknowledge what you did wrong.
If they seem hesitant, it may be because of past actions done by you. It might seem like little things that you might not remember, or your first reaction is to ignore what you did wrong and pretend things were good.
Think about being in their shoes, would you like that they ignored your feelings? Acknowledge and apologize for what you did wrong.
Don’t brush it off and half-heartedly apologize, make sure it comes from the heart and is sincere. Because if you start the relationship on false terms, you might end up back to where this started.
Go back to the beginning.
Bring up how things started for both of you. How did you meet and was it love at first sight?
Maybe you or your ex have a funny story related to how you met. Maybe you both had a case of the stomach butterflies and thought the other was just too cool to notice.
Bringing up the beginning may jumpstart how both of you felt. And feeling like that again might get you to try again, this time with a new and fresh experience that might even replace the original good feeling.
Start off slow and gradually work towards a steady relationship.
You might want to dive headfirst into starting the relationship again, but keep things at a steady pace. You took this time away to redefine yourself and change how you view the world, so taking time to slowly step into the relationship.
This way, you can evaluate what you are doing to make this relationship different than before and evaluate how you feel about things now. It’s nice to get right back to how things were, but now you and your ex are different people than when you first met, so why throw away all that you have accomplished alone?
How to rekindle a relationship if it ended on bad terms
Give them a lot of space and work on yourself first.
Just like if the relationship ended on good terms, giving space is very important. Not only for you but for your ex, because this is time to finally focus on yourself without having to ignore or even put the other’s needs away.
By giving space, it allows you to look back and see what you yourself can change to not only better yourself but to also better your future relationships. It gives you a fresh start and a fresh mind when it comes time to talk to your ex again.
Reach out and wait for a response.
By reaching out first, it shows that you have taken things into consideration and want to make amends. It also shows that you care about them and want to see how they are after the break-up.
When reaching out, make sure you don’t make yourself sound like it was their fault. Tell them that you should meet up to talk over things and to calmly start your friendship in a new light.
Don’t tell yourself “if they don’t respond in 5 minutes then I’m blocking them forever”. It isn’t fair to make them respond quickly, they might need to process you reaching out after a long time.
Let them know that they can have all the time they need to think about meeting up again and that you won’t push it if they don’t want to talk. Remember, its not your feelings that are only on the table.
Acknowledge the wrongs both of you did.
If you both are able to meet up and talk about the past, don’t keep it one-sided. Make sure to let them know you have seen your wrongs and understand how that made them upset.
Hopefully, they will take it as a sign to do the same. Don’t attack them for not saying anything or not apologizing.
You are the bigger person and you want to clear the air. If they make you out to be the bad guy, then that’s your queue to tell them goodbye and leave.
If they also apologize and want to make amends, make sure to thank them and restate how you realized your wrongs. This shows how you are growing as a person and want to change, along with handling it like an adult.
Talk about what could be changed.
Take this time to note what the other did to make you feel bad, and what you did to make them feel bad. For example, maybe you didn’t like it when they would push you away when things at work were getting stressful and they didn’t like it when you would keep secrets about your past.
After airing that out, ask how you can do things differently and be open when they do the same. Don’t attack when saying all your worries, and make sure they understand not to also.
You want to get them to understand where you come from, not only tell them what they did wrong. This is a chance to see why they did the things you assumed were just out of spite, along with giving them a look into how you felt.
Forgive each other for all the wrongs done and see if there could be a future together.
You could just let bygones be bygones, but you both deserve an answer for why things ended the way they did. It might have gotten to the point where you didn’t recognize each other, and splitting up was probably the best option.
But after listening to the other side and having them listen to you, ask if there is a chance to start over. Take this time to see if getting back together is what you both want or if the fantasy of having someone is what you desire more.
Come up with situations that might arise again if you two get back together. How would you react this time?
Only agree to a relationship if you feel like you’re ready and your ex is ready too. Don’t force something when there is nothing to rekindle.
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Isabell Tenorio is a YourTango editorial intern.