Photo: Roman Samborskyi / shutterstock
I blame American Pie.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Mar 11, 2022
I was born with a vagina and I was fortunate enough to find as I grew up that this part of my anatomy did, in fact, align with my gender. But that didn't mean I wasn't curious about what it would be like to have a penis.
I'm 33 and I still think having a penis has to be a baffling, troublesome, potentially painful experience.
That said, from what I've heard, seen, and experienced, most men love having a penis. They love having a penis so much that they eagerly stick theirs into holes, frantically thrusting until something magical happens: an orgasm.
We all know at least one man with an awkward and hilarious story about something they put their penis in during their youth.
My boyfriend was in the throws of a deep dry spell and he used to roll up his comforter and mount it like it was some sort of big boob-having porn star. (Lol, I really hope he doesn't read this post, but since it's mostly about other men's penises, I've probably got nothing to worry about.)
The truth is when you have external genitalia that are stimulated by being put inside of different things, you're probably going to go on the hunt for the perfect thing (other than a vagina or an anus) to put said penis inside.
Men on Reddit shared the "weirdest" places they have stuck their penises, and I'm here to share with you some of my favorites!
Here are 11 of the weirdest places men say that have stuck their penises.
1. In between couch cushions.
"In between the cushions of the pleather couch in my living room, almost every day from age 13-14. Used cocoa lotion. Looking back on it, I wonder if my parents knew. The couch must have smelled like cocoa-lotion, and the part between the cushions was perpetually shinier than the rest of the couch."
2. Marble countertops.
"I’d f*ck the kitchen counter. it was smooth marble so I’d just put lube around it and start f*cking it. It was amazing."
3. Fur.
"Rabbit fur, rabbit fur and an old Scooby Doo doll. Yeah that was a weird time in my life."
4. A plastic bag.
"Took a plastic bag, put two slices of ham on each side and filled it with soapy water. Put it under my parents’ mattress. I was young and expected it to be a good simulation. I was way off and am now very embarrassed."
5. A teddy bear.
"Don’t judge me too hard. My mom gave me a Teddy bear when I was a kid, it developed a hole in the back of its neck and I’d stick my 13-year-old penis in there and shake that bear. My shame. I later burned it after one last sympathy f*ck. Wish I was kidding."
6. A pot pie.
"My 15-year-old self was very into raunchy movies and American Pie was the crème de la crème, for lack of a better phrase. Well, I didn’t have an apple pie to speak of, but guess what my southern, carbohydrate-loading family did have — McCormick Pot Pies. What’s the difference, right? Well after following the insane instructions I slid my member past the flaky goodness and into the turkey gravy encased. Never again, just never, never again…"
7. A fleshlight.
"Bought a fleshlight. Used it couple of times, almost all the time blowing inside. I forget to clean it after I’m done. I hide it between the space from my bed and wall, so it’s really dark and can’t be seen unless you take a close look. One day I was doing my thing, all of a sudden I saw black stuff on my penis. I thought it was dirty since I sweat at night and haven’t gotten a bath yet. I finished my business as usual and looked inside. It was filled with some black-looking mold. The top was all black and it was hard. It felt like taking a scab off. Underneath it, it was white and creamy. I quickly washed off myself and threw the fleshlight out."
8. Bread dough.
"Worked in a bakery. Once bread dough is mixed, it’s left to rise. I went into the cold room, punched a hole into the dough, lubed it with some water and put my d*ck in it."
9. Jelly.
"Using jelly. Not KY. Smucker’s. With the jar."
10. Open-toed high heel shoes.
"When I was about 13 my neighbor was really good looking and I was over at her house to watch cartoons and do the normal 13-year-old stuff. I went into her bathroom and saw one of her open toed heels and put my little 13-year-old member into the hole and humped until I couldn’t hump anymore. 9/10 would do it again."
11. Marshmallows.
"I found instructions on how to make a homemade fleshlight out of marshmallows in the middle of July. The basic principle was to cut the marshmallows in half and stick them to a glass or cup and basically just f*ck it. At first it’s amazing and doing the job just as intended with a bit of lube of course. After maybe 5 minutes it begins melting. Cut to about a half hour later of me trying my damn hardest to get off and I finally managed to finish. It was a mess of melted marshmallows lube and pubes, and unfortunately I couldn’t shower for two days due to our shower being broke, so after two days I had to shower dried marshmallow grease out of my pubes and it wasn’t working, so I basically either had to learn to shave or deal with it for a long while more. I shaved and only cut myself once and thankfully wasn’t anywhere important. Shaving balls is easier than people say it is. Moral of the story is: invest in your toys."
Yeah. I know. I kind of feel like I need to take a shower.
If you want to read the rest of them, get over to Reddit, but be warned these are so (obviously) not safe for work.
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn, New York. She publishes articles on lifestyle, psychology, pop culture, relationships, and true crime.