6 Reasons The #FreeTheNipple Movement Just HAS To Stop

free the nipple
Buzz, Self

Why is this even an argument?

I can't believe I even have to write an article against all of this #FreeTheNipple nonsense. This should all be obvious, but I'll spell it out here.

1. Female nipples are WAY different than male nipples.


Like, they actually have a function in sustaining life! What kind of alien witchcraft is that??

2. Porn stars have nipples.

AKA: People who have SEX have nipples!! (And people who don't) IT'S MADNESS!

3. It’s already acceptable to show THE REST of a breast.


What more do you need? Don’t you think that spot in the middle of the boobs is just going a LITTLE too far?

4. If people see women’s nipples, they’ll associate them with sex.

Women have been sex thingies for years (even though both men and women have sex), so it’s THEIR responsibility to hide themselves. Asking people to not sexualize their sex-having bodies is just asking too much.

5. Male nipples are A-OK because they’re not sexy.

Nope. Not sexy at all.

6. Covering them actually PROTECTS you.

Yeah, you read right. You see, if someone attracted to females can see even a LITTLE of a nipple, they’ll go absolutely rabid and attack you. It’s a totally uncontrollable response. Like if you waved a bloody steak in front of a hungry great white shark, you can’t expect it to do anything but attack and eat. Don’t tempt the wild beasts, ladies. Add a garlic accessory, just to be safe.

My first language is sarcasm. So if it wasn’t explicitly obvious, this was a satire, and it pissed me off to even write it.

Let’s all reflect on our responsibilities to respecting others, shall we?