A 50 Shades Writing Guide? Um, No. These 10 Would Give Better Advice

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woman writing

Thou Shalt Not Take Writing Advice From The 50 Shades Of Grey Author

Ever considered trying your hand at writing the Great American Novel? E.L. James did too.
And, in a way, she accomplished it. If you imagined the “Great American Novel” to be the most widely-read piece of erotica ever, 50 Shades of Grey.
Now, she wants to help YOU!
That’s right, folks. E.L. James, author of the '50 Shades' trilogy, has plans to publish a “how-to” guide on writing. Wow. We can’t believe she would bless us with the process from which blossomed Anastasia’s “inner goddess.”
What we also can’t believe is that she is the best person to publish a writing guide. In fact, we can think of about 10 other options that we would rather take writing advice from.
1. A cat
This is the obvious choice. If a cat could write, you would read that book. And wonder how they typed it all with their tiny paws.
2. Your aunt on Facebook
She has A LOT to say. What is her thought process behind those three-paragraph-long posts?
3. The woman at Nordstrom’s who won’t leave you alone
So wordy and persistent! What are her syntax tips for such passive aggression?
4. Your spam folder
There’s a lot in there. Maybe the Nigerian prince can offer some tips?
5. Your student loan officer
Again, another person with a lot to say. They could probably offer some valuable tips. 
E.L. James wrote three whole books, proving quantity is the same as quality. Wait, is that right?
6. A computer
Writing tips created via computer-generated algorithm would probably be more helpful to you.
7. The cable company
You’re on the phone with them every night any ways. Do they have any suggestions?
8. The person who writes street signs 
Everyone stops and reads them right?
9. Shia Labeouf
What are your best plagiarism tips, Shia?
He fooled us all! Clearly he knows something about fiction.