10 Ways 'Fifty Shades Darker' Can Get Even Worse Than It Is Already

Photo: Universal Pictures
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan from Fifty Shades of Grey

The sequel to 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' is already shaping up to be worse than the original.

The Fifty Shades Of Grey franchise is one of those movie series that's super successful, but you'll never meet an actual fan. I always see people making fun of it, but I've never seen someone go "But that's my favorite book!" It exists mainly for people to trash. I know the movie made a lot of money, but I don't know anyone who saw it and liked it — or anyone who saw it, liked it and is willing to admit it. Still, it made a ton of money in its opening weekend, so there's going to be more Fifty Shades movies. It was announced that EL James' husband has been hired to write the script for the sequel. James is the author of the books, and made it clear that she wants more control over the upcoming adaptations than she had over the first movie, hence the nasty split from director of the first Fifty Shades Of Grey movie, Sam Taylor-Johnson. Looking at her husband's resume, it's pretty clear he only got this job because he's married to the author. This means that EL James is probably writing the script and saying that her husband did it. Based of the quotes and dialogue I've read from the books, this won't improve the movie whatsoever. James isn't known for writing "good" (or even mediocre) dialogue or believable characters.

Like I said though, Fifty Shades really just exists for people to laugh at. In that context, this is great news. Fifty Shades Darker is on track to be an even worse movie than the first. Here are a couple of other things the filmmakers can do to make the movie even worse than EL James already has!

1. Recast Jamie Dornan with EL James’ husband.
Look, we all know why EL James got her husband to write the script. It's obviously because he's her real life Christian Grey. Since he's writing (and obviously somewhat inspiring) the story, let's cut out the middle man and just cast him as Christian Grey! Sure, he doesn't have the acting experience for a high profile role like this, but that didn't stop him from getting the writing gig.

2. Replace Dakota Johnson with a potato.
Nothing against people with potato faces, but Dakota Johnson has a bit of a potato face. The thing is, she's still a person, so the movie's producers have to pay her to appear in the movie. They wouldn't have to pay a potato, though. Buying a bag of potatoes would be a lot cheaper than paying for Dakota Johnson's contract. Johnson may not be the best actress, but she's still better at conveying emotion than a potato. A potato might be less awkward, but it wouldn't even be able to speak any of the lines. Potatoes don't have mouths.
3. Go into more detail on the legal documents.
One of the weirdest aspects of Fifty Shades Of Grey is when Christian Grey makes Anastasia sign a legal document before he'll do the sex with her. The thing is, as an audience member, I have no idea how a contract like that would work. Maybe, instead of focusing on the characters, Fifty Shades Darker could just be an examination of the legal steps that Christian Grey takes before entering in a relationship. It's not even a movie, it's just a single camera shot as a lawyer sits down at a table and explains how contracts work.
4. Crossover with Twilight.
Originally, Fifty Shades was just erotic fan fiction based on the Twilight characters. Then the characters' names were changed so it could be sold for profit. Luckily, the characters in Twilight were already so paper thin that once the names were changed, they were legally new characters. Movie crossovers are big these days. Expand the 50 Shades universe to include Twilight. The two franchises appeal to the same core audience, which is people that don't like good movies.
5. Recast Jamie Dornan with Don Johnson.
Did you know that Dakota Johnson is Don Johnson's daughter? Did you know that Don Johnson is an accomplished actor? Hey, EL James, I thought you were trying to be kinky. Here's the thing, I'm already not seeing the movie, so I think it would be hilarious. I can't imagine Don Johnson is in the position to turn down high profile gigs.
6. Break it into 15 parts.
Harry Potter and Twilight split their final books into two-part movies so they could fit in all the important details. The thing is, if you want people to pay attention, you have to go bigger. Two-part movies are old news. Break Fifty Shades Darker into 15 parts, go crazy! With 15 parts, you can really dig into every single detail in the book. I mean, based on who's writing the script, make things as easy on him as possible. It's much harder to break down an entire book into a two hour movie than it is to expand a book into 15 parts.
7. Make it 3D.
Fifty Shades Of Grey is basically the Avatar of erotic fan fiction. By that, I mean highly successful movie with a story that pretty heavily rips off another highly successful movie. Since it’s so similar to Avatar, just make it 3D. Think of the possibilities! Look, nobody is seeing this movie for the story, they want to see some kinky sex. What’s the kinkier than the third dimension? Nothing!
8. Make it 1D.
Actually, maybe three dimensions is too many. Break the laws of physics and release the movie in only one dimension. If the characters aren't going to have more than one dimension, why should anything else in the movie?
9. Replace the sex scenes with local car dealership commercials.
The biggest complaint I heard about Fifty Shades Of Grey was that the movie cut out a lot of the explicit sex scenes from the book. That's all anyone even cares about, it's not like people are into the books for their complex plots. I think the movies should take the editing up a notch and remove all sex from the movie entirely. Every time the characters are about to get physical, have the movie cut to a local area car dealership commercial. You know what’s crazier than the kinky sex in Fifty Shades Of Grey? THE DEALS BEING OFFERED ON THESE TOYOTAS!!!!
10. Use EL James’ actual dialogue.
The worst thing the movies could do is use the actual dialogue from the books. In fact, the closer the movies stick to the books, the worse things will get. This is one example where staying true to the source material is a big mistake.