Wedding Planning? 19 Ways To Make Your Bridesmaids Love You

I had a future bride recently harp on her bridal party to order gowns ... and she's not engaged yet. She bought her dress, she booked a hall and she harassed us, but she didn't have a f*cking ring. I wonder why.

Photo: WeHeartIt

Convertible dresses (also called "infinity dresses") seem like an awesome idea in theory: You can wear them so many ways! They're relatively cheap! Everyone with a different body type can be accommodated! Except in practice, it's not the case, and you're almost always better off springing for regular dresses in different cuts but the same length, color and fabric from an actual store. It's almost impossible to wear a bra with most of the infinity styles, the fabric moves in weird places it shouldn't, it looks as cheap as it is, and they're hard to actually get into the style you want and keep it there. When I was forced to wear one, the only thing I was able to fashion mine into was a noose, and it looked better than any of the stupid options listed.

Photo: WeHeartIt

Know that not everyone you invite will be able to buy you something amazing, but that they may well want to join you in celebrating your big day regardless. That shouldn't make you annoyed, it should make you flattered. (If it does make you annoyed, frankly, you seem pretty insufferable, and I pity the man who has to tolerate you til death do you part.)

Photo: WeHeartIt

The throwing of the bouquet is basically saying, "Hey girls! Show everyone that you're dying alone!" It also inspires some women to violence (I can't tell you how many times I've been trampled while simply trying to flee out of the way) and some men to cruelty: At my own brother's wedding, an unfortunate looking girl caught the bouquet, so the groomsmen deliberately had my nine-year-old cousin catch the garter. Seriously, unless Leatherface showed up, I don't think I could possibly have been more terrified in my entire life.

Photo: WeHeartIt

Not everyone can be Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock when it comes to wedding speeches from the best man or maid of honor. If you don't want her to mention that you first became friends when you begged her for your first tampon at summer camp or that you initially rejected your future husband because you were boinking his best friend previously, you need to tell her that. If you want her to include specific details or anecdotes, you need to tell her that. Yes, she should already know some of these (especially what to omit), but that doesn't mean she won't babble once she gets emotional if you don't help her out.

Photo: WeHeartIt

I once was in a bridal party where the bride flipped out at a bridesmaid because they had the same haircut. Thing is, the bridesmaid had had that same haircut for about a decade before the wedding, and it's not like anyone even looks at the bridesmaids once the bride comes out anyway. If you're that insecure, you need therapy, not a husband.

Photo: WeHeartIt

In one wedding in which I participated, we got plastic necklaces and feather purses. That money may have been better spent on manicures for the bridal party, because we needed those anyway. Keep ideas like that in mind when thinking of ways to thank your bridesmaids.

Photo: WeHeartIt

All you need is one makeup proficient pal, a few YouTube tutorials, some primer and a setting spray and your makeup can look as good as a pro's. And sometimes, it will actually look better: One wedding I was in had me pay $150 for someone to essentially make me look like a corpse bridesmaid. After looking hideous in the ceremony, I took some wipes and my own makeup bag to the bathroom and looked stunning for the reception ... for free.

Photo: WeHeartIt

Bridal showers were originally for couples who were only just moving out of their parents' houses when they got married, hence the household appliances and linens common on registries. That's fair. But consider this: A friend of mine had been living with her now-second husband for two years before getting hitched, implying that she already owned everything she actually needed. She flipped out when she thought her bridesmaids weren't throwing her a shower (we were, but it was a surprise). She then admitted she just wanted more things she couldn't afford and/or was too cheap to buy herself. Not fair. When I wanted a KitchenAid mixer, I didn't need a husband to get one, because, well, I have a job.

Photo: WeHeartIt

Seriously, who the f*ck actually eats these?

Photo: WeHeartIt

Those creeps will hit on your bridesmaids. Those creeps are usually invited guests. If you are friends with creeps, related to creeps, or have a future husband who enjoys the presence of creeps, you need to omit them from the guest list (and maybe reconsider your engagement).

Photo: WeHeartIt

They're expensive and a huge time commitment. Unless your bridal party consists entirely of Kardashians, not everyone can afford that, and you can't get pissy about it unless you're a truly horrible person.

Photo: WeHeartIt

I officiated an outdoor wedding in which the bride, who'd spent a few thousand bucks on her own makeup, insisted there was no room in the budget for seats for her guests during the ceremony. This involved a lot of uncomfortable arthritic people, as well as a lot of heels sinking into grass. Your wedding guests are not props with presents. They're people who probably traveled a long way and spent a bunch of money to celebrate your day. At least give them plastic folding chairs, you damn cheapskates.

Photo: WeHeartIt

First off, you won't make more money than you (or your parents) spent — most couples are lucky to barely break even. But more importantly, that's not the reason you do or don't invite people to your wedding. You invite those you love with whom you want to share your joy. If you're focused solely on who gave you how much in their envelopes, you're probably a horrible person, and karma may catch up to you in the form of another woman someday.

Photo: WeHeartIt

For real. It's the only way some of us make it through the night. (And you also just look tacky if you don't.)

Photo: WeHeartIt

If dick straws aren't your thing, that's fine — just make sure you let whoever's planning your bachelorette party know that in advance. Also, if you're planning your own bachelorette party, that's great, just know that not every activity you enjoy may be a good idea. For example, one bride had us all play paintball a week before her wedding. I fared fine because I'm agile as Neo in The Matrix, but the bride and maid of honor were covered in bruises and welts upon leaving, and they had no one to blame but themselves, because it was their own awesome idea.

Photo: WeHeartIt

A friend of mine just booked a beach wedding for the heart of hurricane season. I'm sure this will end well.

Photo: WeHeartIt

As aforementioned, no one is even looking at the bridesmaids once the bride rolls out. Don't force these poor women into wearing hideous, unflattering dyed shoes that they'll never, ever put on again. A neutral, nude or metallic heel works beautifully — not that anyone will even notice them to begin with, but still.

Photo: WeHeartIt

Nothing upsets your close friends more than seeing you in a legally binding union with someone who treats you like garbage and doesn't deserve you. Not even dyed shoes.

Photo: WeHeartIt