Warning: Spoilers for The Walking Dead ahead! If you love the show but aren't caught up, don't read this until you've had a DVR binge.
The Walking Dead has a new person for us to hate while we wait on Beth to come back (or not) from the hospital full of rapists and their apologists. Eugene Porter, who claimed to be working on the Human Genome Project and that he knew what caused the zombie outbreak, is a liar. And that should come as a surprise to no one, because when have you ever seen a mullet in med school?
Eugene lied to every single one of his other survivors, all of whom, despite some skepticism (mostly from the flawless, fierce Sasha), were willing to help him get to Washington D.C. to save mankind and civilization as we know it. Because Eugene is basic. Actually, no, not even. "Basic" is too generous a term for someone who has a mullet. It's nearly impossible to love anyone with a mullet. Why? A mullet is horrific in and of itself, but a mullet is also a symptom of several larger problems. Here's why, even if you're tempted by the ultimate symbol of white trash simplicity, you should never, ever fall in love with a man who has a mullet.
Men with mullets are irresponsible.
Do you want someone who actively decided to get a mullet to also be able to own and operate a gun? To be around your kids? To meet your mom? Really?
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets are indecisive.
If he can't decide between "business in the front and a party in the back," how can he decide between you and another woman with piss-poor eyesight and/or a complete and utter lack of self-respect?
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets will lie to you.
But to be fair, if you believe a man with a mullet is the key to saving civilization, you probably deserve whatever's coming to you.
Photo: AMC
He'll turn every possible exchange into a wet T-shirt contest.
Instead of training himself to use tools, reasoning or basic survival skills in emergencies, a man with a mullet will do whatever he possibly can to get you soaked in all the wrong ways.
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets don't comprehend irony.
No one can ever really have "business in the front, party in the back." Instead, you just have a tragic misunderstanding of Joe Dirt.
Photo: AMC
A man with a mullet will often appear deep in thought ...
... but he still has a mullet. What can he possibly be pontificating under that?
Photo: AMC
A man with a mullet may watch you having sex with your partner.
Eugene Porter watched Abraham Ford (Michael Cudlitz) and Rosita Espinosa (Christian Serratos) having sex. Can we all agree that that's creepier than any walker ever featured on The Walking Dead?
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets are cowards.
A strong, independent woman (like Michonne or Maggie) can handle herself. So can a strong, independent man (like almost every other dude on this series). A man with a mullet is neither strong nor independent. He's so basic that he's remedial and nothing more than a waste of precious resources that could be going to kids in Africa. Or to Daryl Dixon.
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets don't care about hygiene.
If someone thinks a mullet is a good idea, do you really trust them with modern medical and personal care developments? Like deodorant? Condoms? Soap? Because you shouldn't.
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets don't live for long.
Men with mullets make poor decisions. Eventually, those decisions will catch up with them. Do you want to deal with the fallout of that? Especially considering men with mullets probably don't have a good life insurance policy?
Photo: AMC
Men with mullets have self-esteem issues.
If a man has a mullet, he does not love himself. If he does not love himself, he cannot (and will not) love you, either.
Photo: AMC
A man with a mullet may not accept that you're a lesbian.
On The Walking Dead, Eugene Porter (played by Josh McDermitt, who doesn't have a mullet in real life) tries to pick up Tara (played by Alanna Masterson). Tara is a lesbian. Eugene persists, maybe thinking his mullet will trick her into thinking he's just a really unfortunate-looking woman.
Photo: AMC
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