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5 Strange But True Crime Sprees

Contributor
Self

Idiots walk among us. Here are 5 that left behind a bungled mess of absurd hilarity.

Idiots walk among us. You've probably suspected this for quite some time. They slow down when merging onto the freeway, leave their dogs in hot cars, and mow their lawns while everyone else is trying to sleep. And, every once in awhile, they turn to a life of crime. And a bungled mess of absurd hilarity ensues.

1. When Idiots Play with Markers

While committing a crime, it is a good idea to mask one's identity by donning a balaclava, a pair of tights, or even a Richard Nixon mask. Joey Miller and Matthew McNelly of Carroll, Iowa, however, had other ideas. Why spend money on a disguise, when they could create their own with a pair of black permanent markers? Note the word "permanent."

Yes, the dim-witted duo--one bearing a badly drawn Batman mask and the other a mere mess of scribbles--were seen breaking into an apartment. When police pulled over a vehicle matching the description provided by the witness, they knew they had their men--red-handed and black-faced.

According to "Robbers Caught Using the Worst Disguise Ever," the men may have been under the influence of alcohol when they concocted their scheme. Well, duh. Both were charged with 2nd degree attempted robbery, while McNelly was also charged with drinking and driving. And the Carroll Police Department is still laughing.

2. When Idiots Play Dead

Robbing a funeral home may seem like a pointless endeavor to most, but that didn't stop a 23-year-old...um..."genius" from breaking into a funeral home in the town of Burjassot near Valencia, Spain. Completely devoid of cash or valuables, the Crespo Funeral seemed an unlikely target for thievery. But, when neighbors alerted the local police that someone had just forced the funeral parlor's front door open, the police found an interesting sight inside.

There, lying on a glass-enclosed table traditionally used at wakes to enable mourners to view the body was the suspect, apparently hiding in plain view. How did they know he was not merely a misplaced or forgotten corpse? First of all, cadavers do not breathe. And, secondly, they are not usually dressed in grubby attire. According to "Spanish Burglar Nabbed While Playing Dead," the local custom is for dead people to be dressed in nice, presentable clothing.

The man was arrested and it turns out that he had already been incarcerated for robbery in the past. He seriously needs to find another career.

3. When Idiots Crave Floor Mats

When floor mats began to disappear from New York City banks by the droves, police knew they weren't dealing with an ordinary thief. Dubbed the "Floor Mat Bandit," this individual struck the Big Apple's financial institutions at night, by day, and even during their busiest times. The Men and Women in Blue were quite perplexed until they received a report that a mat had just been pilfered. A nearby police officer noticed the thief--mat in hand--and arrested him. He has been charged with multiple mat thefts across the city.

And, according to "Floor Mat Thief Caught in New York City," there are many other strange aspects of this case including the fact that the man's name, ironically is William Footman, he is a former rug company employee, and the father of fifteen adult daughters. Why would anyone want to steal floor mats? Apparently, he sold them to local bodegas because their floors get wet--of course.

4. When Idiots Run with Sharp Objects

Is there anything more pathetic than a shoplifting klutz? The employees of a Meijer store in Western Michigan would have to say, "No. There isn't." When a man attempted to leave the store with $300 of stolen hunting knives, he was confronted by workers. During the ensuing fray, the man lost his footing and fell on his cache of contraband--stabbing himself in the gut.

While the man survived his injuries, he was charged with misdemeanor shoplifting. Apparently, he had never been taught not to run with scissors. Or, perhaps, he didn't think the rule applied to knives.

5. When Stupid People Eat Their Shorts

If Bart Simpson told you to eat his shorts, would you do it? Likely not. One Stettler, Alberta man, however, thought that eating his Fruit of the Looms was a sure-fire way to outwit a breathalyzer test.

David Zurfluh, 18, had been spotted driving erratically and was, subsequently, pulled over by an RCMP officer. A panicked Zurfluh ran from his vehicle, ripped the crotch out of his own underwear, and tried to eat it. The chewy mouthful proved too much for him and he eventually spit it out.

While the brief-biting culprit was acquitted of impaired driving, he was guilty of reducing a court room filled with observers to tears of laughter.

Yes, idiots lurk in every town in every nation. If you happen to know one, the best advice you can give them is "don't commit a crime while under the influence of stupidity."

Do you have an "idiot crime" story that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear it.