The Love Guru Consolation Prize


Was getting a free product a show of support or just condescending?

What a day for a surprise or was it? After finding my footing finally after nearly a year of nursing a broken heart a gift arrived in my email. My former love coach offered me a free seminar of her "Online Dating for the One" teleseminar. The gesture was odd and I wasn't sure if it was a sincere show of support towards my love goals or a condescending message. Nothing in Kathryn Alice's response seemed to indicate that she took accountability for how her carelessly chosen words made me feel.

My personal love mentor Tamara Green, along with relationship experts Heather Strang and Debi Berndt, have been instrumental is guiding me out of a victim mentality into one where I see how much I create my own life. Working with these people and their compassion in itself has been healing. All of them treat me as an individual. No cookie-cutter approach in my personal opinion.

Back in the late fall of 2012, I had asked my former love coach if going to in-person mixers and having my dating profile rewritten would increase my odds of meeting more people offline. Her response, which was on a recorded teleseminar was, "I don't what to say you're lazy but you are. You are trying to substitute external actions for the deep inner work required to magnetize your soulmate". For the record, I still have the mp3 file of that seminar. So, what was strange was the email that I received which implied something else.

This was the same love and soulmate guru who told me to have a fling because my second chakra was closed since I had not been with a man for a while. She used the words "opener" and said that an opener was a good way to create a template for what I was looking for in a soulmate and experience closeness again. Excuse me, but NO, NON, NEIN, I respect myself and my physical body too much to engage in an "opener".

In her own words: BLOCK 2: SEXUALLY CLOSED, SHUT DOWN IN YOUR 2nd CHAKRA. If you have not had sex in a long time; if those of interest to you often tell you that they see you only as a friend (“the friend zone”); if you’re in a dating desert or just clam up when you meet someone attractive to you, this might be your block.

Given that I am possessed with an engineering mind, I went to work with this by starting Tantra classes with Devi Ward. She didn't see a block. Her observation was simply that my heart and second chakra are deeply connected. This means I am not someone who can hook-up like Samantha Jones in Sex and the City. Unless I love the person there is no passionate exchange.

Besides, didn't you also tell me and write in your book that one should keep their "love cup" empty for my soulmate only? I don't have a moral issue with flings. They are just not for me. I've taken a lover for a season (the French way of taking a lover) in the past and while it was an overall positive experience, I'm done with having lovers.

Between her insistence on "you get love because you want love" when she couldn't answer my questions, and her love coach (ironically also named Tamra) telling me that men were rejecting me since I wasn't feminine enough, to another one of her coaches named Sabrina repeating like a broken record that I would get love (despite the tearful state I was in) then consequently telling me I wasn't ready for it when I said I didn't want to start coaching with her until after December 2012... the experience of reading this email felt like I being treated to a gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse whereby one person causes another to doubt their own memory. Psychology Today explains the process in an article titled "Are you being Gaslighted?". Well, thank God for mp3 recordings because hard evidence prevails. Plus, I know a forensic expert can verify if an audio file has been altered or not. My digital files have not been and I am happy to subject them to technical scrutiny.

The message read as follows:

Hey, I know that things have been on the rocks lately. (Excuse me, but my life is thriving right now thanks very much. I'm not keen on staying single as I currently am but I would hardly describe my life as rocky! Just who do you think you are to make this assessment on my life when you have barely a fraction of the full information on exactly what I am up to?)

I just want you to know I appreciate all of your opinions, and I don’t want you to take anything personally. (The fact that you mention taking things personally feels like a preamble to it being personal in reality.)

Nothing was ever directed specifically at you, because I would never do that. (Shall I play the recording again or post it online? It certainly sounded like you did in response to my question about getting my online profile makeover.)

Normally, I would never do this for anyone, but I know this is something you’ve been wanting, and I hope this will help you get what you truly want. (So, what I am reading here is that I am broken because I am single and being single is a disease that needs fixing, so you are sending me a fix it. And BTW, thanks for pouring salt on the wound that I'd really love to love someone right now, but such someone is not here right now, we haven't met yet.)

To that end, I wanted to offer you the material from my recent Online Dating for the One Telecourse, that I just completed in July. I know at one time you had a lot of questions about on-line dating, and since I did this for the first (& only) time, I'm hoping perhaps it would be of value to you. So many had asked for more guidance in this area, and I honored that request with very detailed material. (Appeasement prize or an attempt to shut me up?)

In any event, blessings to you, and I'm still holding the space that you find the love of your life. (I personally don't want or need your blessings. I don't trust you.)

This same love soulmate guru priced the course she mentioned above around $500. So, my response to her was:

To be honest with you, this attempt at appeasement means nothing to me. I am left with the feeling of having been sold alot of false hope which is worse than no hope at all. Your method, while well intentioned, is a path of confusion with a one size all mentality. I'm appalled by the thought of women who have done your work and are still single years later believing their soulmate will have a wreck in their yard. And now they can't have kids with their own eggs. That's the damage I feel being deceived by your method has caused. So just refund me everything I ever paid for and my affiliate commissions. I'm done with you and your work. You've done enough damage.

Also telling was that this same love soulmate guru dissuaded me from hiring a matchmaker last year, called Matthew Hussey's method as one that operated on "the animal level of attraction" (it is not that), and that there was no need to seek any other program like hypnosis with Debi Berndt because her work operates at such a high vibrational level. I listened last year. As a result the money I wasted on her work could have been allocated to hiring my matchmaker Anni Powers when I was younger and more fertile.

In an earlier post of mine on YourTango, my open letter to Captain America, one thing I omitted was that it was my former love coach who told me that his wanting to be friends was an attempt to use me. Cosmopolitan also published articles stating the same thing. So between the two of them I chose to believe it and acted on their advice despite the fact that he accomplished what other men on blind dates never could: made me feel safe. So I snapped at him.

The biggest heartbreak for me in all this is the chronic worry that the only way I'll be able to give my soulmate a child is to undergo a painful egg freezing procedure right away. In another teleseminar recording, which I also have saved as an mp3 file, said love guru said that "women as old as 57 have gotten pregnant and given birth to healthy babies with their own eggs." Yes that does happen but it's extremely rare and often at great medical risk to the mother and unborn child(ren).

Do yourself a favor. Work with love gurus and dating coaches who don't apply a one size fits all approach. My matchmaker Anni Powers feels that unless these coaches are partnering with matchmakers that their advice can only go so far. Finding love is a combination of theory and practice at the same time. Learn a dating technique and then apply it right away to a real life situation.  In my opinion, the best dating coaches are these people: Matthew Hussey, Debi Berndt, Tamara Green, Dr. Diana Kirschner, Heather Strang, and Anni Powers if you are in California.