Dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde


How you're ruining your own love life and making yourself crazy.

For so many women, there's one thing at the top of the list. Before sense of humor, cooking, a nice body, intelligence, even loves dogs and kids. That thing? It seems many women out there are looking for a mind reader. I have a friend, and that is to say have I have many friends, who have gone down this road. First comes the excitement. You get to lay down the ground rules. You say you don't want a relationship? Done. You say you just want to keep it casual? Okay. Just got out of a long/bad/boring relationship? It's all good. Everything goes well. He calls; he texts. You have some nice, even intellectual dates. And then you have sex because, well, you're both consenting adults and sex is good. Right? Eh—not so much. Soon, he's calling for sex. He's texting for sex. Those cute and fun dates? They feel less fun and more...first course. And you ask yourself, what happened to that great guy I thought I met?

You might be thinking, we had sex too soon. Now he's changed. He got what he wanted and now I see his true colors. That's not really fair. Did he evaporate? Was he ever there? Is this some cruel dating version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Sort of. There is some misunderstanding going on here. And it is causing some roadblocks in your love life. But before you throw the baby out with the bath water, think back. When you were talking about art and going on refreshing hikes, where did you see your not-relationship going? You said you didn't want anything serious right? But now you get worried when a day goes by and he doesn't text? You wonder why he hasn't called to make plans for Saturday night? What do these questions tell you? That you're expecting a guy who's not your boyfriend to talk to you every day and see you every weekend. Remind you of anything? Reminds me of a boyfriend, or at least the start of a boyfriend. So there is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but it's not him. It's you.

You started out wanting one thing, or thinking that you did. And you made your limitations and boundaries clear to him. And now that you've gotten used to him, you want him to naturally continue down the relationship road, even though you specifically told him that's not what you wanted. But it is now, you say. You've changed your mind. But how is he to know that? Do you want a boyfriend or a mind reader? It's not fair to expect him to know what you want when you're just figuring it out yourself. Dating and finding a connection is hard enough. Don't make it harder on yourself or him by hiding what you want. As soon as you know you want something more, say something. It might be hard and it might lead to a less than happy result. But at least everything is on the table and you won't be sitting on a fence ready to collapse. In the long run, speaking your mind is far better than torturing yourself as you wait for him to take the lead. Relationships follow rhythms and chances are, if you already took the lead, he'll be happy to follow. Know your Jekyll and know your Hyde. It's okay to take a step back and figure out what's going to make you happy. If you don't know, how is anyone else supposed to know?