The Verdict On: Can We Can Be Friends


That's what honorary older brothers are for, to remind you to stand up for yourself, and walk away

Confession time again. My delayed tears have been flowing when I finally couldn't repress and deny how it felt. The fact is, my honorary older brothers were adamant, when a guy says he wants to be friends it's not a good thing. My problem is that I told myself I wasn't hurt. When I finally admitted to myself that I was.... floodgates. Had I allowed myself to face my letdown it would not have come to this. By repressing those feelings they got stronger from all the pressure of being stuffed down. This video from Matthew Hussey has been very helpful to watch on dating letdowns.

So what should have been a day or two long mild dissappointment got put under the pressue cooker of stuffed down emotions until they could be ignored no more. It was bad timing in some ways. A week after the let down I had a major event to run in Chicago and found out an old work friend of mine died suddenly at age 34 one weekend. I simply couldn't react and in all the stress of unpleasant news my emotions didn't get a chance to heal.

Now, five months after that "blue week" last fall, those old emotions are getting a chance to rise up and out. Just like how a pressure cooker finally whistles that it's ready to simmer. I cried over my friend being gone too young. Let loose the after effects of my stressful moments with lack of sleep dominating my life because of one event after another in a different city that I had to manage. Then faced the heart dropping feelings I should have confronted in the moment and made a decision, or rather, a verdict on my "Friends Zone" policy.

My Final Verdict: The answer is, was, and always will be no. That's NO, NEIN, NADA, NON, and the same word in every language known to man. If I'm not your lover from the get go, get lost.

This is not to say that there are not positive aspects to life in the "Friends Zone", it's simply not for everyone.

Like I said, I do wish I got clarification but the fact that he even dared asked me about being friends means he didn't respect my time, feelings, or value as a person. Who would want someone who would google your name and do the equivalent of a Sherlock Holmes detective work on you, possibly use it to their advantage, then crush your heart? Maybe someone into emotional S&M. Not me.

Oddly enough, the day after this impromptu date that should have never happened, I went out with this handsome Swedish guy who worked for Apple. That date turned into a second and third for the whole weekend. When Monday came around I was only thinking of how to catch up on projects I promised myself I would finish had it not been for the Swedish man.

Just my luck for wanting to close the door on Colin Doppelganger by following my friend Adam's advice to text him after a weekend with Swedish man. You see, I wanted to date Swedish man exclusively, and Adam said to text Doppelganger that I wanted to hang out with him. Adam's logic was that it was best way to know where I stood with one guy so I could start dating another without wondering 'what if' about someone else. Taking Adam's advice led to the "Friends Zone" text and a startling realization that I really did like Colin Doppelganger far more than Swedish man.

The irony of it was that not only did I like this guy but none of the usual dealbreakers mattered with him. Not his being divorced and a parent, or even his not fitting my idea of whom I was looking for. Instead of Michael Fassbender who spoke at least two languages and European (aka Swedish man) it was Colin Farrell from Newport Beach who only spoke English. I didn't care. Neither did he. His checklist ruled me out even when mine was voided for him.

Next time a guy sends me a text a few days after a date that he has been seeing someone else and that it's getting serious, so he is going to pursue that, but hopes you can be friends, I'll admit the truth instead of being witty about it. Next time I'll tell him that he should never have asked to meet me and wasted my time. Then I'll admit that I can't be friends with him and why. Finally, I will take the risk and tell him that I know this happens but its hurtful to be lied to and pushed aside.

He had to have known that day he texted me to ask if we could meet that night that it was becoming serious with another woman. If he respected her and I he would have left me alone and focused on her exclusively. In the end, I feel like I was some lab rat to test the strength of his real romance that was happening by making sure for himself that he was right to pick her. That's what is causing my tears to flow. Once again, the blonde cheerleader gets the guy I really liked. He used me for selfish reasons and it's hurts alot to admit it and feel it. I'd say more of what I should have said to him but it's in German and not very nice or polite.

My witty response didn't help. He said that was fine and good luck ok. So what did I do? Other than call a girlfriend I also mentioned it to my honorary older brothers. Their reaction was beyond not diplomatic. They were angry that he treated me like a comparison shop item. Then they forbade me to communicate with him again. I didn't listen because a few more text messages were exchanged until he just stopped one day. He did me a favor.

As much as the Drew Brees look-a-like was over focused on my looks at least he had romantic interest in me and was willing to take me to Santa Barbara for a weekend of fun on his dime. I said no because he was too stupid and I couldn't handle a weekend with someone who couldn't intellectually keep pace with me.

Men who want to be your friend want to use you, don't care about you, and qute frankly, have no sexual interest in you. If that's OK with you then go ahead and say yes. Otherwise, if you want a man who says to you that you "light his fire" and it's the truth, slam that door on your "friend".

For the record, people have asked me if anything happened, beyond dinner. The answer is no. Why does everyone seem to assume that unless physical lines are crossed that that feelings shouldn't be stronger than a handshake? Is this what the hook-up culture has led us to believe? Usually hooking-up means you don't have much of a heart for someone.

So, why do my feelings seem more tender with this one? Even more so than with the men I actually had a romance with before him? Like I said, mental and physical attraction is rare for me, and intelligence alone is not what creates the mind melt effect. The mind melt is when you meet someone who seems to understand how you think and whose own thought process is compatible with yours. Add the heart warming effect and it was, for me, a double shot of a poison arrow (thanks Cupid, stop picking on me).

However, recovery is in sight. I met someone new recently and am applying my lesson from this incident to seize the day. How? I told the new guy, Mark, over skype that he was "so damn hot" just like the lyrics to a song. Matthew Hussey says that if I create enough sexual tension it reduces the chances of being seen as just a friend. I also told Mark that he is as hot as Fassbender so he knows that I am not looking for a friend either. Does the Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron photoshoot for a magazine cover in 2012 look like a pair of friends? Not a chance.

Here is all the evidence I needed to realize that my verdict is the right judgement on any man who says the words "friends". Sure, they may want you in their life but do they deserve to? Hell No.

10 Reasons He Wants to Be 'Just Friends'

Why Does He Want to be Friends if He Doesn't Want to Date You?

He Just Wants To Be Friends

He's Just Not That Into You: 8 Excuses Guys Make and What They Really Mean

When Guys Just Want to be Friends

He Only Wants To Be My Friend

Get Real Romance By Not Being His Friend

Matthew Hussey on The Friends Zone

Some say being friends is better than nothing. I'd rather have nothing. I wish I never met him. I hope to never see him again.