Counter-dependence: Too Much You, Not Enough Love


Co-dependency's flip side is too much me, nothing about you, and is self-love turned narcissistic

I agree that it's good to honor and appreciate yourself by filling up one's life with self-honoring activities. The fact is, most of us want love, whether male or female, straight or not or both, at the end of the day. I've seen myself and others get so into "loving themselves" that it eventually turned into counter-dependence.

Co-dependent has a flip side and that is it, characterized by too much independence and autonomy, lots of close friends, a full life, never alone or lacking in enjoyment, but no significant other. That's the opposite of needy but just as bad because you need for nothing and anyone interested gets the message that they have no place in your life and/or aren't really needed/wanted/redundant.

Too much independence is a brilliant method to avoid being hurt. In our attempts to protect ourselves we build the best wall there is to shut out love. If I prevent myself from experiencing another person's love then I won't get used to it, so I'll never risk the hurt of losing it. Counter-dependent's are love anorexics. They avoid and fixate on love as part of an all consuming effort to keep it away. Shame drives the compulsive drive to behave this way.

The self-love mantra is another of life's paradox. What seems to be a cure is worst that the disease. At the root of resistance to just a good healthy love life with someone else, is shame. Shame to be seen. Shame that we are fundamentally flawed. Shame that we are bad. Shame that we inherently repellent. We are ashamed of who we are and cover it up with external "proof" that appears to be self love and too much of it. What is really happening is a bottomless pit of empty.

Self-love is a misnomer. A more genuine way to heal the shame is recovery. Being whole instead of incomplete.