Does Your Identity Include Love?

Love, Self

Heather Strang's book The Quest is Sex and the City meets vision and synchronicity. Fiction = life.

BodyTalk practitioner and author Heather Strang's book The Quest is a vivid tale of love, spirit, and deep diving in one's own psyche to be the love they are looking for. Now soon to be a film, The Quest is a fictional story that challenges any reader to remove the barriers within them to love. Most of the time, being single has more to do with identity, than availability. As much as someone desires a beloved their identity is equal or stronger as a single person. Here is the conflict.

The Quest is a story about healing such conflict so love and life flows for the heroine. In her Bodytalk practice Heather Strang has been my guide. Much like the character in her delightful tale gets sent on a physical and psychological quest around the world to shed the identity that prevents love from blooming. Just like the TV show Glee, I am Emma on her wedding day to Will when she runs off in fear, thus leaving her soul mate at the altar. Emma is still single because of Emma. Not because love isn't there or ready to commit. She is the problem. Yes, I am the problem. I know the solution. I just can't break the old skin of single and shed it for good.

Will I be happy if I did. Absolutely. Why won't I? Like Emma, I feel flawed in a fundamental way. In fact, I'm downright ashamed of some kind of ambiguous deficiency. It's one big mystery because I have no idea what exactly is defective. So, I'd run and sabotage it with my soul mate because (A) the thought of him finding out what it is about me that is so below standard really terrifies me; and (B) I am rather stunned and perplexed that he would actually love me regardless of this unknown mysterious flaw being discovered by him. How is that possible? I can accept love from my dog because dogs love like that. My dearest friends' love I can also receive because that's what friends are for. Even my straight guy friends who are like the older brothers I always wanted is an affection I can take in. I can even allow myself to show my flaws and imperfections inside and out to them without fear. Why? Because your soul brother will care for you without wanting perfection.

So why is it just so hard to be a welcoming heart and soul for the romantic soul mate kind of love? Three reasons: (1) I'm nothing special; (2) I'm worse than an adolescent girl in a convent school at actually being someone's significant other. This is because in response to repeated childhood rejection and chronic bullying I'm counter dependent, the polar opposite of co-dependent but just as unhealthy; and (3) I fundamentally believe that there is no reason why a man would want to marry me or be in a marriage-like commitment with me. Quite frankly, I am one total failure at the whole companionship thing. I have no basis point for even beginning to fathom how to be one. Friends have told me that I am generous, loyal, thoughtful, and show my appreciation for them without reason or expectation. Those are qualities that are all very desirable in a person. It's just that with romantic love I just fundmantally feel that I'm missing some indescrible asset. I have no clue what it is though.

My first real love was a 25-year-old wunderkind who looked like Michael Fassbender and was an Engagement Manager at Boston Consulting Group. He always told me how intelligent and passionate I was. I picked up alot of German from him and he loved that. When he would come home from his projects traveling to Europe for work the first thing he would say to me often was: you have no idea how much you excite me in every which way. There is no doubt in my mind that he was genuine. The only doubt was why he felt that way for me. Even when he brought me gifts from his travels to Sweden and France, it felt uneasy. I didn't deserve anything. I, in all respects, was nothing special. Is it any surprise I sabotaged a loving relationship that would have led to marriage and children in Manhattan? He deserved somebody. I was nothing. So I subconsciously destroyed that relationship through neglect.

A year later he married someone who looked like my twin sister. I don't have a sister. The difference was, she was from Hong Kong Society, born and raised in on the Upper West Side in New York, came from a wealthy family, had connections, and looked fantastic on paper. I'm sure she was and is a wonderful woman with impeccable character and a devout Catholic. He was better off without me and she deserves him more. I sincerely believe that. If I were ever to meet him again I would tell him exactly that before I walked away again.

So where is the hope? Heather and her BodyTalk and wisdom plus her book. Heather is capable of standing in the space of me breakthrough this mental block. She guides me with her advice and our BodyTalk sessions around believing and feeling that it's safe to be loved. Heather supports me by allowing me to sit with this cluster of thoughts and beliefs rather than resist it. She is not aggressively being a stand that I remove this block like a surgeon as fast as possible. Rather, she reminds me to heal the root cause at the right pace for me, around the sheer terror I experience at the thought of love.

The thought of a man falling for me hook, line, and sinker repulses me. It would be an unnatural phenomenon. I can see why a man would react to Sofia Vergara or Mila Kunis that way but I can't explain why. It's just natural and makes sense. Whenever I see the fan video to the song Beautiful in