Resilience in Dating: Top 10 Tips from Dr. Margaret Paul


Dating has its ups and downs so it is essential to keep your emotions in check to stay positive

From her Huffington Post profile: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a bestselling author of eight books, a relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process -- featured on "The Oprah Show," and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a free Inner Bonding course and visit our website for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions are available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

What are they key traits of people who are emotionally healthy and resilient enough to be dealing with the natural disappointments that happen in dating world? Emotionally healthy people have learned to not take rejection personally. Instead of making others responsible for their sense of worth, they have learned to define their own self-worth. Because they value themselves, they recognize that rejection is more about the other person than about them. They have also learned to manage painful feelings, such as heartbreak, with compassion for themselves.

For those who are more vulnerable to rejection, what do you recommend they do to buffer themselves against the feelings of letdown that may come with rejection? They are vulnerable to rejection because they are rejecting themselves in various ways. They may be rejecting themselves with self-judgments, with ignoring their feelings, with turning to addictions to avoid responsibility for their feelings, and/or with making others responsible for their sense of safety and worth. They need to learn to love and value themselves, and take responsibility for their own sense of safety and self-worth, which is what the Inner Bonding process teaches them to do.

Not everyone is honest. It is not uncommon for a man or woman to go on a date with someone just to use them as a "comparison shop item" to convince them that they choose the right boyfriend or girlfriend. For the person who was inadvertently used by another, what is the best way to train themselves to bounce back in a healthy way? They need to learn to not take this personally - it is not about them. It is about what is going on with the other person. Most of us have the ability to tune in and feel whether or not someone is being honest, but many of us have learned not to trust our inner wisdom. If they can see each experience as an opportunity to learn to trust their inner wisdom, then they will have benefitted from the experience and will bounce back easily. The more they practice Inner Bonding, the more they learn to trust their inner knowing.

Is there a reason why some people can find their soulmate in 3 days after starting to date again while others experiences months or years of false starts or false positives in dating? We tend to attract people at our common level of woundedness – which means our common level of self-abandonment - or our common level of emotional health – which is our level of self-love and self-compassion. If you are emotionally abandoning yourself, then it will be far harder for you to find someone with whom you deeply connect. People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves. The more you learn to love and value yourself, the more others will value and respect you. Practicing Inner Bonding and learning to love yourself makes it far easier to attract the person of your dreams.

Why are some men or women "friendzoned" more often than others even if there is no major difference on the surface between them in appearance and personality? Most of us react far more to energy than to appearance or personality. People who are "friendzoned" are generally people who either have a fear of intimacy and put up energetic barriers to keep people from getting romantically close to them, or they are people who control through 'niceness', which energetically gives the message that they are insecure. There is a big difference between being nice and being loving. 'Niceness' is often a form of control. Since no one likes to be controlled, others may emotionally distance from the overly nice person to avoid feeling controlled by them.

How can someone who has "impaired bonding" learn to trust their intuition in romance, especially when their gut instinct is not so good in that area? This is where the practice of Inner Bonding can be so helpful to them. By learning to inwardly bond with their own feelings and their personal source of spiritual guidance, they develop trust in their intuition – their gut instinct. The more we connect with our feelings and our inner wisdom and take the risk of following that inner wisdom, the more secure we become in trusting our inner knowing.

Describe how the SelfQuest software program can be used effectively to navigate the emotional waters of dating? Such as a break-up, rejection, having to let someone down knowing that the friendship will end as a result? The ongoing use of SelfQuest leads to ever-deeper valuing and connection with your true self, and the healing of deep levels of shame and self-abandonment, as well as to the experience of the comfort and wisdom of your personal source of spiritual guidance. This enables you to compassionately embrace the heartbreak of break-ups and the endings of friendships. The deepening of your inner and spiritual connection that occurs over time through using SelfQuest enables you to lovingly manage the loss of connection with others. Your inner relationship with yourself becomes your primary relationship, so that when others leave or reject you, you no longer feel alone and abandoned, because you are no longer abandoning yourself. The practice of Inner Bonding through SelfQuest enables you to feel filled with love, even in the face of rejection. Your relationships are no longer about getting love, but about sharing your love with those who want to share their love with you.

Are there any specific practices in Inner Bonding that can make the difference on a date? Not necessarily to create a lasting romance but to keep one's emotions in check so that expectations can be managed in a healthy and grounded way? It is the ongoing practice of the six steps of Inner Bonding that eventually heals the woundedness/self-abandonment that leads to expectations of other and frequent disappointment. The more you practice taking responsibility for, and learning from, your own feelings of anxiety, aloneness, loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, anger and so on, the more centered you are able to be on a date. The more you learn to love and value yourself, the less authority you give your date to define your worth, and the fewer expectations you have of your date.

How can Inner Bonding be utilized to get over a breakup or lingering feelings of rejection? Inner Bonding is a compassionate process of self-healing. The more you learn to access the compassion, caring, understanding, gentleness, tenderness and kindness that is Spirit, the easier it is to manage the painful heartbreak of a relationship ending. Feelings of rejection often indicate self-rejection, and the practice of Inner Bonding enables you to stop causing the lingering feelings of rejection through the compassionate steps of Inner Bonding. The more you learn to value yourself, the less rejected you feel by others.

If someone can't seem to move on from a failed romance despite their best efforts, what is the root cause, and are there particular strategies you would recommend they try to heal the real root cause of their discomfort? Clearly it is about them and not an external person or situation that creates the circumstances and emotional experiences they are going through. Not being able to move on indicates a deep level of self-abandonment. They continue to focus on the other person and what they want from them rather than on taking loving care of themselves. Inner Bonding is a powerful process for healing the root cause of not being able to move on – which is self-abandonment. I suggest they devote themselves to learning and practicing Inner Bonding. They will find if they are consistent with their practice, they will be able to move on from a failed romance.