You're Single Because You're Stupid


In a world full of so much disappointment, your Love Life should not be part of that equation.

Biologically, we are all driven to find and bed a mate. From the occasional fling, to locking it down through the legal system, everyone shares that same desire of human connection. So with all of that need coursing through our veins, why are YOU sitting at home in your studio apartment streaming Netflix on your laptop, gaming on your Xbox, or mercilously weeping into ugly couch pillows over the sufferage of a non existent dating life? Why does everyone else seem to be so blissfully in love while you remain the pitied Single of your immediate circle of friends? Sure, you can blame that one Ex for scarring you so greatly making faith and trust in someone new an impossible feat, you can accuse the cosmos for sending every astrological opposite your way instead of the 'perfect match' Yahoo Shine religiously insists for you daily via email spam, or you can face the real reason that you haven't been able to join the rest of the rose colored ranks; You.

In my last article, I did some mentioning of how we can be our own worst enemies by having certain expectations when it comes to our personal lives. If you want to get to a place where you can find and keep a happy, healthy relationship, then you need to get out of your own fucking way. The roadblocks I'm speaking of are common knowledge, but these are five regular offenses being made anyway that are keeping you dateless and alone. The handful of mistakes are as follows:

5) Whining constantly about being alone

It begins innocently enough; your boyfriend or girlfriend gives you the boot and you go through the common stages that manifest after a breakup (denial, anger, sadness over the loss). You are constitutionally allowed by the unspoken laws of the Dating Game to complain about said Loser, everything that was wrong with them, and even your dread over having to start the process all over again, but there is a limit on the time frame you can bitch everyone into wanting to punch your whiny ass for being so emo. Listen, I get heartache okay? I've dumped, been dumped, and I understand the feelings from both sides, but I also keep myself under control. It's an all too common example; women posting rants on their Facebook pages about all the 'good ones' being taken in between Tumblr quotes about broken hearts and sharing a liberating Beyonce pop anthem to give the facade she's moved on when clearly being single is all where she wants to put her focus.

You know what's worse than a crying female? A depressing, weepy male who mopes over being alone. Women are crazy, it is an expected stereotype for us to get a little off our rockers during the time we wait on Mr. Right. But men, you should not be giving up your man card to join us in the estrogen fest. Sensitive guys can be great, but the minute you start to sound and act just like us, you obliterate your chance of reeling a new girl in anytime soon. We want strong, go getter types who are confident in themselves and what they have to offer. Your absolution to cry for redemption like an excerpt from the Vagina Monologues will keep you friend zoned for longer than I'm sure you'd care to be. So unless you would prefer an intimate partnership with your best hand and favorite Jergens over getting some real action, put a cap on your Lillith Fair shenanigans and remember that people fall for those who are HAPPY, not for the ones that HATE on the those who are happy.

4) You have High or Low Standards

We can not force ourselves to be physically attracted to what we are not, and it is perfectly fine to seek out certain traits for someone you plan to spend most of your days and nights with, but there's a thin line between desperation and those concrete get-the-hell-outta-here-with-those-insanely-unreachable-requirements. Being loyal, respectful, kind, devoted, selfless...the meaningful standards every relationship should hold. Appearance shouldn't be the most important, but you should care enough to pull yourself together decently like you give a shit. Sluts and players can't grasp this logic, but they have different motives over finding love so they can just be the poster children of everything you should avoid being AND dating for that matter. As silly as it sounds, I followed some advice once and made a list of every quality I wanted in a future husband. I never shared it with anyone else, I was just instructed to make it and then tuck it away for future reference. Not only do I still have that list, but my wants have all finally been checked off with pride.

If you act as a doormat and accept anyone who wil show you affection, you will only attract the biggest losers within a fifty mile radius. If you refuse to take a chance on someone who isn't your usual physical type or pick at small quirks that have nothing to do with their character instead of having an open mind, you will undoubtedly push away all viable candidates with a loving heart.

3) You're not riding on the same wavelength

Maybe you've found someone who catches your eye and you're engaged in the casual dating phase of asking questions and getting to know one another when you decide that not only is this person perfect for you, but you've convinced yourself that their laughter at your moronic jokes and seemingly sincere interest in your family stories are the green light approval of mutual feeling. The thing is though, some people just pay attention. Some people are just naturally nice. It doesn't mean they want to bang you senseless up against your headboard and bring you pancakes in bed the morning after. It doesn't mean they are already planning out your future wedding and deciding between a cat or a dog to compliment your suburban homestead for the 2.5 children you'll begin conceiving on your honeymoon.

Yes, there are folks who fall madly head over heels and do all of those things at mach speed, sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. One of the tricky parts we have to learn about new partners is what they are looking for and when they want to get it. Women are practically primed for matrimony and motherhood right out the gate when they fall in love. Men on the other hand, fall in love with the new and frequent sex they are having. Their big head will catch up with their smaller one if they really care for the one they're with, just not so often with where women are feelings wise at so soon of time. If one of you wants to settle down within a couple of years, and the other would rather give it an even longer stretch or not settle down at all, you can't change their minds or hope to convince them if they'd give you a chance to state your case. You want the same things or you don't, and if it's the latter, then the best bet would be to keep on truckin' until you find the one that does.

2) Ignoring red flags

I was the Queen of this faux pa, and for a VERY long time to boot. I would make excuses for guys who didn't call when they said they would, guys who would cancel last minute when I had already been waiting over an hour for them to arrive, guys who would stare me down and swear on everything sacred that they would never cheat and then happen to fall between the legs of some skank they'd claim didn't mean anything. You name it, and I've probably heard it. My belief in mankind can be far too strong at times because I've always lived by treating as you wish to be treated and you shall see the same in kind....needless to say, I lost a lot time, energy, and unfortunately money, on many boys who didn't know the first thing about being men. Women can be just as cruel with deceptive intentions they might be carrying in order to get what they want and then move onto the next sucker who believes their song and dance.

It is imperative that we stop trying to manage and excuse the bad behaviors of others when the only ones we have any control over is ourselves. The moment you find yourself starting to see any questionable actions or hear any statements that have your insides twisting and turning with uncertainty, then it's time to take a step back and maybe get a second opinion. Rose colored glasses can be delightful, but fake love like a fake orgasm, is one shitty deal.

And the number one reason you're alone and still reading this article....

1) Claiming you want a specific relationship, and then choosing the exact opposite instead (over and over again)

Can we choose who we fall for? No. Can we choose whether or not we act on those feelings? Yes. One of the most irritating things I witness quite often among friends and/or family who state that they know what they want and are looking out for, is when they pair up with someone who doesn't at all fit who they wanted and who they actually need/deserve and then fall over in complete devastation and surprise when it doesn't work out. What the hell?! It's even usually great big assholes that they've caught and want to hold onto. These lost souls won't get, or want to listen to your suggestions and observations of their continual mistake because they are convinced that each one is different from the next and better than the last (I would know, because I've done so myself).

It is true by what is said that when you honestly believe you deserve the best, you will be rewarded with the best, but you have to REALLY believe it. You can't say you want someone who is as faithful as a dog and then make excuses for them when caught screwing one of your so called best friends. You can't state needing someone who desires to be a provider to their family when they have been unemployed many months and still live at home with their mother who cooks their meals and folds their laundry. When you see that they are most or everything that you without questiom don't want, you DON'T STAY and hope things change. Just like with the red flags, we can not shape someone into our Mr/Mrs Right. That is why the grand majority have to shuffle through a line of nobodys to find that special somebody who is everything we could ever hope for.

So there you have it, the list of no-no's that are holding you or someone you know, back. Now that you've had your memory refreshed, it is time to put this reminder to good use and keep it in check as you venture on your dating quest, or better yet, pass this note along to a jackass you know who could very well take the hint themselves.