By essyredfeld — Written on Jul 20, 2011
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We fell in love instantly and very deeply, for both of us it was faster and deeper than before, and we both never loved anyone so much. It's over now, but based on your how to get an ex-boyfriend back article I wanted some advice.
From the beginning, it was a long-distance relationship - I living in Germany, he in New Zealand - but it went well. He came to stay with me for two months while he was writing his thesis and we were supremely happy. After six weeks of separation, I came and spent four months with him in New Zealand during which we were still very happy.
When I had to return to Germany because my mother became ill, things started to go downhill. He slowly withdrew from me, e-mailing not as often, saying less sweet things,... I thought it was because he was busy preparing for his defense and looking for a post-doc position.
When he found a position in Spain, he came to stay with me for two weeks before he had to return to Spain. And then things really went bad. I visited him a month later and was already very sad and insecure about everything, and I think that somehow manifested in him that I wasn't happy in the relationship anymore.
At Christmas, he already seemed rather distant and it got worse in the weeks afterward when he told me that he doesn't feel for me "as before" but that he still wanted to be with me and thought I was beautiful and clever and all other girls seemed ugly and daft to him. So I decided to go to Spain for two months and give it another try.
It didn't work out at all. For me, it was still nice every now and then, but he seemed restless and uncomfortable, as if he didn't enjoy having me there, at some point said that "nothing feels right" and then basically gave up trying, hardly ever hugged me and didn't kiss me at all anymore (not even on the cheek).
So I decided to leave and without telling him, I changed my flight, packed my things and left, leaving only a note behind.
I then received a very beautiful, honest e-mail. He told me in it that he had suffered a lot in our relationship (something I hadn't known because he always said he was fine - British stiff upper lip thing) because he thought that I had cheated on him, didn't love him as much or would leave him anyway. I have never done anything like that and always tried to show him that he was the love of my life. I think he has very strong self-esteem issues and feelings of "unworthiness". When I was still being nice to him when he was so distant, I suppose that he felt even more unworthy, making him feel guilty and wanting to get away from it all, I could imagine.
He said that he had made the decision to move on and that it wasn't the same as moving on. He also mentioned in this e-mail that I would remember the thousands of "eternal moments", the happy memories we shared. And before I had left, he had said to me that "whatever happened, he'd always consider me the love of his life". At Christmas, when things were already rocky, he had even said that he would never get over me, without me having asked.
I don't understand and I am so confused. I honestly believe that he still loves me (and I still love him too), but he seems not to want our relationship anymore. I replied to his e-mail, trying to show understanding for how he had felt, trying to explain that he had been wrong and that I didn't want our relationship to end over what was basically just our own fears, indicating that he'd have a chance to get back with me but that it was his shot. It's been two days and he hasn't replied yet. I don't know what to do. He is a very stubborn person and if he has made the decision to move on, I am quite sure that he will stick to it even if it is killing him on the inside. I also fear that if I don't contact him for a long time, he will think that I am totally fine without him, confirming his suspicions about me.
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I wish you could help, perhaps provide me with some insight. I am confused and lost, and feel very helpless.