The Bachelor Episode 4: Black Eyes and Mental Breakdowns

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The Bachelor women scuba, scale buildings and scream as Brad struggles with the drama.

Episode Four of The Bachelor starts with a bang. Literally. Michelle, this season's Vienna, mysteriously awakes with a black eye. She's punched herself in the face while sleeping, but really wants to blame one of the girls in the house. She says the self-injury must be from all the girl-induced stress, and declares that she'll give Brad a matching bruiser if he doesn't pick her for a one-on-one date.

Alas, Chantel from Seattle scores the first date card of the week. Brad picks her up in a helicopter, the show's transport of choice. They're whisked away to Catalina Island for a day of scuba diving and smooching. The couple totally vibes. (Spoiler Alert: Rumor has it that Chantel is the last one standing, so keep an eye this one).

Back at the house, Michelle is all weepy. She just doesn't get it. Why is Brad gallivanting around with all those hoochies when clearly, she is the hoochie for him?

Post-show, Brad and the ladies hit the hot tub, per usual. The clamoring for Brad's attention commences. Every other minute, one girl steals Brad away from another. At what point is he going to say, "Can you hang on a sec?" Never. What a pushover.

Brad connects with blondie Britt and they (and their tongues) share a tender moment. But it's cut short when Ashley H. suddenly has a nervous breakdown and freaks out. She tells him she's pulling away. But smooth talking Brad is like, "Baby don't worry, you're solid. I mean it." He even goes so far as to give Ashley H. the safety rose, but just as he's about to hand her the crimson ticket, she freaks out again!

So he gives the rose to Britt. Ashley is devastated, naturally. Stop Sabotaging That New Relationship

The next day...drum roll, please...psycho Michelle finally gets that one-on-one date with Brad! When her hunk arrives to rescue her from the women's prison she's been living in, he first takes Ashley H. outside for a heart to heart. Michelle is like, "Hell to the no, beeyotch. Why is that skank eating up my Brad time?" Chantel, not a Michelle fan in the least, tells her to take a chill pill and points out that Michelle herself had a similar freak out just a few episodes back.

Haven't these girls ever seen the show?! Geez.

Brad and Michelle finally leave, and Michelle manages to not look like a total bitch during their date. Incidentally, it's pretty much the same date that Jake and Vienna had: putting a bitchy girlie girl in a harness and making her do scary stuff, so she can amp up her neediness and make Brad's, um, ego, grow a few inches. He gets to be the macho man, convincing Michelle to overcome her fears, because he's there to protect her. Gag me. They make it to the bottom of the skyscraper, jump in a pool and make out all night. Methinks Michelle ain't going anywhere.

The next day, Brad meets with his therapist, Jamie, and is all torn up over kissing so many women. He says it makes him feel cheap. The therapist tells him to grow a pair.

That night, Brad heeds Jamie's advice and smooches Shawntel, the funeral director, with reckless abandon. Then, in front of the girls, he pulls Emily out and says, "I have a gift for you." He picks up this huge basket with a blanket, vino and candles. The twosome disappears. One girl asks, "Is there a ring in there, too?" Even the chicas with roses are devastated. Brad clearly likes Emily. And why not? She's a walking Barbie doll with a heart of solid gold.

They chat it up for a bit, and for the first time in Bachelor history, no one interrupts them. Not even Michelle! Chantel breaks down over Brad's affection toward other women, even though she has a rose. But Brad coos at her and gets back in her good graces.

No surprises at the rose ceremony. Brad ousts the mannish Meghan, whom I personally liked. She was too brash for Brad. He gets rid of Stacey, the New Jersey bartender, and Lindsay, the redheaded teacher, who never really got a chance. Now it's just Brad, a bevy of brunettes, and Britt and Emily. But let's be real, they're probably brunettes, too. When It Comes To Long-Term Love, Do Looks Matter?

Things are definitely heating up. Brad has a lot of prime tail to choose from. And with Michelle's bad attitude and Emily's baggage, next week's episode will be even better.