My Big Friggin' Wedding Makes Us Want To Be Single

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My Big Friggin' Wedding episode two recap: meatballs, prenups and chihuahuas, oh my.

Need a reason to stay single? Watch my Big Friggin' Wedding on VH1. Just pull up a chair and watch the parade of trashy New Jersey brides-to-be and the men who want nothing to do with weddings. How Jersey can keep fist-pumping out such shocking specimens of humans is beyond me.

We start with Guido Joey and his acrylic-nailed fiancé, Sandra, who are in the thick of wedding planning. With just six weeks to go, Joey is just a peach to be around—always berating his bride-to-be and making it very well known what a chauvinistic prick he is. 6 Guys Who Should Date Snooki

He's not alone. (This is Jersey, after all!) Pauly D wannabe Johnny and his fiancé, a very pregnant Megin are in crunch time, too, and need to find a wicked awesome reception hall to celebrate their nuptials in. They meet with a wedding planner who is just way too fast-talking for Johnny, so they high tail it outta there and run face first to a Guido extraordinaire wedding planner, Dominique, who gives them an offer they can't refuse—on a wedding venue, that is. He really charms the pants off of them. But will they choose him? Megin has to crunch her numbers first.

Sadly, she's left on her own to budget the cost of the wedding. This can be a huge headache, and, two brains are usually better that one. Unless Johnny's head is involved. Luckily, he goes and gets hammered with his boys instead. 

Next up: Danny and Tammie. We see Tammie and her Chihuahua, Belle, pick floral arrangements. Here's the deal: if Belle doesn't like it, Tammie doesn't get it. Luckily, Belle and Tammie have similar tastes, and spending habits—especially if her fiancé, Danny, is footing the bill.

We also briefly meet Tyler and Alyssa, a young, moderately attractive couple who are having major dramz with Alyssa's mom who recently left her husband and is going through a divorce. Naturally, this is highly straining on their relationship. Especially since momma cheated on daddy and is now shagging a new boyfriend. So the new boyf's not invited to the wedding, we gather? Prenuptial Agreements: Not Just for Divorce

Meanwhile, Joey continues to be just an absolute schmuck. He lets it be known that he'll cut a bitch if he doesn't have his spaghetti and meatballs on the table each and every night. Sadly, Sandra cannot cook to save her life. Joey forces his mom to teach Sandra, who completely freaks out and rejects the idea. Johnny confronts Sandra and tells him "You wanted this. Not me." What, domestic violence? Oh, a wedding…

Later, Sandra tells Johnny that she wants to quit her job. He asks her if she can hold out for a few weeks more until after the wedding. Sandra smiles coyly and says "Newp, I already quit." To which Johnny's eyes literally pop out of his head. Then she says, "I wanna work for you. I'll be your bitch." To which Johnny was like: "Mmm, that'll work."

Megin and Johnny finally reunite and she reveals the grand total of just how much a wedding is going to cost. But Johnny isn't listening. Instead, he just won't shut up about this killer biz meeting he just had with his boys. They're gonna open a Meatball stand! Wow! Megin doesn't buy one word of his idiocracy and tell shim to shut up. She seems to have a pretty clear head, so you have to wonder why she'd marry such a goon.

Then, about three scenes later you realize that Megin is, sadly, not that smart, when she starts to think that maybe she should just have the wedding in her future mother-in-law's backyard, and use the cash she'd save towards her future hubby's meatball biz. Her mom freaks out when she reveals her plan. Megin replies: "But mom, I know how to run a business, I did my taxes online!!" Is There A Right Way To Ask For A Prenup?

Uh huh.

The episode ends with Danny dropping the prenup bomb on his bride-to-be. He's been hitched before, and the old hag took him for everything. Tammie, naturally refuses to sign it and Danny says "Welp, you'll be standing at that aisle for a long time then, sweetie."

The moral of the story here ladies is, if you're going to get humiliated, embarrassed and other wised skeeved out by a man, even if he makes your toes tingle, then maybe you're better off alone. Especially if you live in Jersey, where the pickings aren't slim, they're anorexic.

Until next week!