What Guys Really Wish You Wouldn't Do In Bed

couple on bed facing away from each other

Read this to avoid making a major bedroom faux pas.

A few years ago, I made a big bedroom faux pas. I was hooking up with this guy—a friend/professional acquaintance—in my bedroom, giving him a little oral pleasure. He, uh, came to fruition in my mouth and as I was not yet advanced in the art of swallowing, I sat up immediately and spat the spunk right back on him. Needless to say, we never hooked up again—not that I wanted to. He tasted funky.

The lesson learned: swallow or don't swallow, but seriously, pick one and stick to it. Because dudes don't want you spitting out their manly fluids on or anywhere around them.

I polled some fellas I know about what else they don't want a woman to do during sex.

1. Cry: With the exception being "crying out in ecstasy," nearly every dude I spoke to is turned off by shedding tears pre-, mid- or post-coitus.

2. Make Animal Noises: Specifically, said one dude, "Making mouse noises." I'm trying to figure out what sound a mouse makes out of its tiny mouse mouth, but I guess no meeping or mewing. Anyway, basically all animals noises are a no-no, except for maybe a sexy "meow." Definitely not an oink or a neigh. The Frisky: 10 Ways Men Can Show Women Their Love

3. Close The Back Door: OK, so yes, most dudes—and by most, I mean all except that one guy—would like to stick it in your butt. If you don't want to do anal, by all means, DON'T. I tried it once and it made me want cry, which, I'll remind you, dudes don't like (see #1). Anyway, no, I'm not talking about anal sex here. I’m talking about anal play. As one guy put it, "Don’t stop me from licking your butthole." Listen, ladies, if he is headed there on his own, he knows what he's in for, and by all means, you should let him have at it. Let him toss your freaking salad already. You just might enjoy it. The Frisky: My Boyfriend Wants Me To Play With His Butt